12 reasons why being a woman leader is challenging

by Rebecca Thorman on December 1222 Comments
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1. Being nice is seen as flirting.

2. Men say in response to your success, “I always knew you were beautiful, but I had no idea you were intelligent as well,” and you just smile.

3. The female commons is tragic.

4. A meeting is never just a meeting.

5. You’re told to use your sexuality. But not too much.

6. You’re told to ask. But not too much.

7. You’re told to be ambitious, but ambition makes you a dirty word.

8. You’re told that you’ll never marry, but married men love you.

9. You don’t know if it’s safer to be walked home or to walk home alone.

10. Pearls, candles, and lotion are supposedly better gifts for you than iPods, books, and domain names.

11. Shoes determine whether you’re a prude or just plain incompetent.

12. And if you’re a feminist, you have better sex, which doesn’t matter because feminism has “completely screwed you.”

Rise above.

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  • mark

    Rebecca,
    Citing Penelope Trunk for a majority of your articles sources? C’mon, I have read a lot of your stuff and you are far better than this…

  • Johannes

    11 is my favorite number. Why no love?!

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca Thorman

    Mark – I wouldn’t call six out of seventeen links the majority, but it is a lot ;) Penelope happens to write about these issues and links to research in her posts. I think it’s fruitful to read someone else’s opinion, especially when that someone is an influencer.

    There is a lot of conflicting advice out there for women, and advice that tells us to walk a very narrow line. Which is what I was trying to illustrate.

    Also, each of these numbers corresponds to someone in real life who has given me such advice. If I could have linked to each of them, I would have.

    Thanks for your comment!

    Johannes – I fixed the numbering. Thanks.

  • http://blog.norcrossblog.com Norcross

    Since I obviously have no experience being a woman, I really can’t share any experience. All I know is that my firm has a lot of women managers. From what I’ve seen, the younger ones seem to have a better overall approach, since they’ve dealt with less sexism (again, no experience. could be way wrong). The older women seem to have a much harder “edge” to them, most likely from having to deal with so much BS as they rose the ranks in management. Hopefully, over time, this will just level off.

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca Thorman

    Norcross- that’s an interesting observation. When I started in the workplace, I didn’t think that women had all that much to overcome. But as I’ve gotten more experience, I’ve seen that this isn’t the case. I don’t want to have an edge when I’m older, so I hope that by talking about it we can all learn and make things better.

  • http://careerwaymark.com Scott

    I think the most important thing is be true to yourself. A bit cliche but still accurate. Also, when looking for a mentor, pick someone who embodies who you want to become professionally and personally (male or female). You won’t go wrong

  • http://blog.penelopetrunk.com Penelope Trunk

    Hi, Rebecca. I am struck by your comment above – about assumptions you had when you started and how they have changed. I’d love to read about your turning points. What caused them. What were they like, in the moment.

    Penleope

  • http://tiffanymonhollon.com/blog Tiffany Monhollon

    Interesting list. I work in an organization that has a lot of women leaders, and I would add that the culture of your workplace will inform a lot of how you perceive the challenges inherent to being a leader and a woman.

  • Jamee

    I can see you’ve got the idea with your closing remark; Rise above. With more conflict comes more experience– being challenged everyday will only make you a stronger leader.

  • Mike

    Unless you are ugly. Then most of those don’t apply. Apparently, its just hard to be good looking and a leader.

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca Thorman

    @ Scott – Good advice, but often difficult to put into practice, no? Being true to yourself for most people is a big step because they don’t know who they are. Then once you do, you have constant difficulties that you face which try to change or steer you from who you are. I think finding a mentor is a great step in being successful though – good point!

    @ Penelope – I could write a whole post on those questions! Maybe I will. :)

    @ Tiffany – True, but I work with a lot of women leaders too. Day to day, things are excellent and empowering. But there’s still work to be done.

    @ Jamee – I couldn’t agree more. I enjoy being challenged so that I can learn more and be better. Thank you for commenting.

    @ Mike – I don’t think so. Since everyone finds something different attractive, is there really ugly anyway?

  • http://riveting.rosie.reilman.com Rosie

    I am very much with you on having an idea of not having anything to overcome and finding out that that isn’t necessarily the case. Very good post!

  • http://bubbfletcher.blogspot.com Bubba

    Ahh womenhood, the land of double standards.

    I really enjoyed the comment from Norcross about older women having a harder edge because they have (potentially) been exposed to more sexism in the workplace. People whom overcome adversity are often seen as being stronger individuals; they are no longer naive to how cruel the world can be. While many men are seen as strong leaders from this, women tend to be pigeoned holed into the catagory of ‘having a chip’ on their shoulder, or being a bitch when they exhibit the same characteristics of their male counterparts.

    But, from my experience, I must say that todays generation faces much less sexism then our predecessors becuase they have made it easier for todays female generation to get ahead. They’ve already ‘paid the dues’ for our gender.

    Great post!

  • sally

    Sadly, this list is right on target. I went into it with the same optimism as Rebecca, and with the idea that women didn’t really have a lot to overcome. I work in a male-dominated field and dealt with many of these issues since I graduated college a few years ago.

    On the issue of sexual harassment, I deal with inappropriate comments regularly, usually along the lines of #2, or just about my looks – these are the most insulting. Thankfully, these comments have never come from anyone in my direct chain of command. They tend to come from men old enough to be my father, while the 20-30′s crowd is generally tend to view intelligent, attractive (or not) young women as equals. My hope is that as these men age in the work force, their attitudes towards women will not change.

  • http://www.theorythree.com/blog/ Dan Merfeld

    Really the bulk of these points seem to be reactionary to the all-to-common miscommunication between men and women.

    I was running a board meeting recently and at one point during the discussion, I turned to a board member and commanded “write that down.”

    A few of the board members began to laugh at me. When I questioned why they were laughing, one girl responded “If I didn’t know you better, I’d say that could have been the most sexist thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

    I pled ignorant to the accusation. After looking over, I realized that the person I told to write down the idea, just happened to be a women. In all honesty, I only saw her as the closest person with a pen. But, taken out of context, it was a man, barking a command at a women.

    I cleared the air with the would-be-offended board member. She was new, so I asked her if she felt the comment, or the manner in which it was delivered, was demeaning. She assured me it wasn’t.

    In my example, it was a perfect reenactment of a sexist moment, that had more to do with my impatience at the time then it did anything else.

    But it calls into question some of the items mentioned above. I am by no means justifying the comments, but I would be willing to bet that these people don’t feel they did anything wrong. They may have even thought they were being helpful by mentioning such advice. #2 reads like something my father’s generation might say. Because they grew up during a time when the general consensus was, women want to be told that they’re beautiful before all else.

    Still it’s common knowledge that the company’s culture is a paradigm most influenced by the leaders. Some of those leaders are “old school men.” Almost every company I’ve worked in had an “old boys club.” And I found it frustrating when women assumed that because I was upper management, I was also a part of that culture.

    I’m a white male. I’m a member of the group who’s responsible for all the evil in the world right? I know I’m not sexist, or any other ‘ist for that matter. There isn’t a man or women on earth that needs to tell me that. I let my actions define me. Whether I’m the minority member of my class, or an up-and-coming majority, it sucks to be lumped in with Hitler and the boss who puts his hand up the leg of his secretary.

    Being a young leader means you have to be adaptable. You don’t talk to your daughter, mother and grandmother all the same way. They’re all female. Leaders need to know how to communicate to their audience and adjust the message not the meaning or who they are as a person.

    On another note, if each of these numbered items are based on advice you’re getting from actual people, then I’d look for some new advice givers. Toss out the garbage, just because they appear to be the authority on such subjects doesn’t make it so. They’re preaching the “old ways” by which women openly operated to get ahead in corporate America. I’m sure it’s going to take some time before these people retire.

    There’s always going to be confusion between the sexes. In my opinion Scott nailed this one, be true to yourself, disregard the shoes, they no more accurately define who you are then that momentary lapse in judgement we’re all bound to have.

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca Thorman

    @ Rosie – Thank you! I think I will have to write more about our conceptions vs. the real world..

    @ Bubba – Fabulous comment! I couldn’t have said it better myself. I especially liked that you drew the distinction between actually having an edge, and just being strong.

    @ Sally – great observations. It’s true that I don’t get inappropriate comments by my age peers in the workplace. They are often the ones giving me (bad) advice though… Hm.

    @ Dan – I appreciate your perspective and honesty, but I’m smart enough to know the difference when there is confusion between the sexes and when someone is disrespecting me. It’s easy to be true to yourself when you’re part of the least marginalized group.

  • sally

    Rebecca – you are right about the bad advice, but I think that is a function of age. I know I don’t have all the right answers, and I don’t expect to them from my peers, regardless of gender!

  • http://www.theorythree.com/blog/ Dan Merfeld

    Rebecca, I agree that you’re smartly aware of such situations. Never meant to imply otherwise. I apologize if my comments minimized your point.

    It’s never easy to remain true to yourself. As you said, I’m a member of the least marginalized group, and yet I still struggle.

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  • http://www.shementor.com Phyllis R. Neill

    Some of those are so frighteningly accurate that I laughed out loud in my office!

    Phyllis R. Neill, http://www.shementor.com

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