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Knowing yourself Self-management Work/life balance

Starting over in the same city

Hercules moved away. I don’t feel left behind by Hercules, but by my own life which seems to have somehow escaped me. I am beginning to feel engulfed by this when my friend Maria Antonia comes over.

“Transition periods… they suck,” she reminds me. “I can’t think of a transition period that didn’t suck.”

“Uh huh,” I smile. Maria Antonia is incredibly practical. This sucks, but it will pass. We try on dresses, talk business and girly things, and go out for the night. I come home early. Socializing seems silly when all I can do is think of myself.

Another night I visit with Belle and her fiancé. It takes a lot of effort on my part not to be the third wheel; they are just sickeningly cute. I give myself a gold star for not being envious. I feel more grown up this past week, and I wonder if you learn lessons faster as you grow older.

Hercules left on a Sunday morning and I miss him on a Thursday. I go to the iTunes Store and download sixteen songs in a row, add them to a new playlist and hit repeat. They are mostly happy songs and soon I feel like the world is once again at my feet. Then I remember the other night, Zeus, and the five glasses of wine. We’re sitting on my couch.

“Am I your rebound?” Zeus asks.

“Of course!” I declare. I feel bad as soon as the words escape. I liked Zeus the moment I saw him and tell him so.

“Love at first sight?” he chuckles. I don’t think it’s funny since love is both the closest and farthest thing on my mind.

“Something like that,” I reply.

And I don’t want him to be my rebound, but I don’t see any other choice. I feel incapable at relationships. Zeus seems younger than most guys I date, and is both sweet and guarded. He makes me want to write, and a few days earlier, he bet that I would make a good girlfriend. This makes me happy and so now that we are alone, I kiss him. It’s not what I expect.

“Zeus, you know when you see an outfit that you really like and you have to try it on to see if it fits?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m not sure we fit,” I say. I’m not trying to be rude on purpose, but the word vomit keeps coming! We keep talking and he agrees and disagrees with everything I say, taking a middle-of-the-road approach. This is good I think and I like him more as the wine wears off.

A lesson I’ve learned though is that when men are in my life, it engulfs me. And when men aren’t in my life, I rise up like a balloon that was being held to the ground and is finally being let go.

I like both states of being despite their unequal weight on my shoulders whispering in my ear. I feel the need to choose relationships or career because it’s easier to go all-in on one side of the coin instead of trying to reach a balance. Defining your own success is indeed as rare as successfully hanging curtains by yourself. I’ve been thinking about this, and the strange feeling of glee I have to own a new beginning where everything is different, yet exactly the same.

Later in the week Zeus texts me, “So what do you think, did the clothes fit?” And this makes me a bit giddy, because that line seems to be straight out of a movie, and I think maybe the clothes do fit. And I ready myself for another stab at flourishing in life.

By Rebecca Healy

My goal is to help you find meaningful work, enjoy the heck out of it, and earn more money.

25 replies on “Starting over in the same city”

First off, welcome back!!!

As for transition periods, I’ve found that most things (be it relationships or clothes) don’t fit well until they’re on me for a while, broken in. A little adjustment goes a long way.

At some point, some publisher will read your writing and cut you a deal for a book. You have one of the few blogs that doesn’t have to post 10 times a week and still holds your audiences attention and respect.

We also miss you at PB Magazine.

On another note, good luck with your new living quarters.

Heartache and sadness, but possibilities and promise. I love it. I ‘ve missed your stories. Welcome back.

@ Dan – your comment meant so much to me, thank you. Strange how I’ve never met many of you in person, but I’ve missed you all as well. I’m sure I’ll be writing about my new condo soon too : ) Thanks again.

@ Linda – Your description sounds like a romantic comedy, of which I’ve been watching a lot of lately – thank you! ; )

I join in with the masses in praising your return! I was excited to see you in my feed reader this morning.

Yes, transitions suck. I had a mentor who always told me, “Character building sucks.” It’s the most true thing I’ve ever heard.

As to the balance between work and relationships, let me know if you find it. I told the BF I needed a week off… I’ve got to find my groove again. Starting a relationship destroyed it.

He told me his fear, which is that I might be a better person without him. I told him mine, which is that I might be a better person alone. That’s not a realistic option for me. I don’t want to be like GIWS, and have to be alone because I’m afraid of being derailed by love.

As to the fit: that was the ultimate problem with me & GIWS. You can be attracted to someone, but lack chemistry. We call those friends. ;)

Hi Rebecca,

Welcome back – I’ve really missed your blog and your insights. As for the transitioning period, those can be so incredibly rough (I’ve been going through a big one since graduating, and yes, leaving someone behind definitely added to the roughness) but like, Holly above me said, sometimes “[you’ve] got to find your groove again.” But when you do find your groove again, to paraphrase what you’ve said in your post: “the clothes just fit”.

I can definitely empathize with the feel of a new beginning in the same place. One of my friends just found her groove in pilot training and she said that it was kicking her butt but she was loving every minute of it. I think I just found my new groove and I finally feel like ME again.

Sometimes the outfit takes a few try-ons before it becomes your new favorite. I wish you all the best :)

@ Holly – I’m surprised people are still reading! Thanks for sharing your experiences with balance and relationships. I’m scared of being alone too. It makes me happy to hear of others in similar situations. Thanks for the comment!

@ Shirin – I totally understand getting your groove back! (Like Stella in that movie… ;) I feel that way about writing. And I’m sure Zeus appreciates everyone saying I need to try the clothes on some more – ha! I’m glad you’re in your groove and I really appreciate your support!

Welcome back to one of the best Gen Y voices around!

In or out of relationships, the important piece is to be able to stand on your own. If you know that you can live with yourself and thrive, you will evaluate relationships based upon that good start and decide if the fit enhances or detracts your already good life.

Good to see you back, friend! Missed your insights and how they always spur me to be a better thinker myself.

I hope that someday you find a guy who helps you build for yourself a whole new metaphor. Not flight versus weight, but something that’s so radically different you’ll understand what it means when they say “you just know.”

@ Scot- thanks so much! I totally get what you’re saying. Sometimes I just feel like I can stand on my own a little too well : )

@ Tiffany – That was such a nice sentiment, I appreciate it. I hope that happens too and it’s good to hear from the people who are getting it right! Thanks again.

There always seems to be a price to pay either way. Remember what the Controller said in A Brave New World? “One can’t have something for nothing. Happiness has got to be paid for.” In this age of heightened career independence, perhaps flux in relationship is the price we pay.

Helmholtz took his predicament with spirit. “I should like a thoroughly bad climate,” he answered the Controller. “I believe one would write better if the climate were bad, if there were a lot of wind and storms, for example.” I empathize with Helmholtz. Whenever I start to blog prolifically, there is solitude for my company at the Falkland Islands.

@ Gene – Oh, I haven’t read Brave New World in a long time. Great quotes. There is some theory in the writing world that if you’re a really good writer than you can write anytime, happy, sad, etc. but I think that’s hogwash. Thanks for the comment : )

@ Milena – thanks!

Thanks for sharing.

I say do what’s most risky… smile and scram and wave your hands in the air the whole time. In 60 years, the stories you tell will be that much more fun (though you hopefully won’t wait that long to blog again)

This is such a beautiful post. And yes, transition periods do suck. So bad.

It’s all about playing those happy songs on repeat. Eventually we start singing them in our head and before we know it, we’ve transitioned.

That’s my plan, anyway. Here’s hoping.

“when men are in my life, it engulfs me. And when men aren’t in my life, I rise up like a balloon that was being held to the ground and is finally being let go.”

I am the same way with men! The exact same way. I make all these grand plans based on what I really want in life (I want to live in city x, have career y, no kids, etc) and it goes right out the window when I fall in love with a guy who wants the opposite. Then we finally part ways, the haze clears, and I’m back to my self again.

I’m also an ENFP :)

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