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Careers are like relationships, so ask your mom for advice

“I don’t know if I want to be with Zeus,” I say.

“If you don’t want to, then don’t,” my mother replies.

But it’s more complicated than that, and I tell her why. I tell her that I really do what to be with him – a lot – but I don’t know how. I tell her that I’ve been sabotaging the relationship, and I don’t know how to stop. I confess everything, and feel the weight dissipate.

“You do look for problems,” she says. “You push things too far. You test people too much. That’s not good. So now you need to figure out if you’re going to mature and grow up or not.”

I’m silent because normally my mother tells me how great I am, how I can do no wrong, and how all men suck. It is the Gen Y parenting creed. But tonight, I am not so lucky.

“Why do you think you’re picking fights?” my mother presses. “You must be doing it for a reason – a lack of confidence in yourself, or in him?”

I concede that I don’t feel like my life is together enough to be in a relationship. And that I’m worried Zeus will sell his company, get rich and dump me. Or we’ll get married, live happily and divorce at the age of 40. Or that he won’t remember to suggest we eat something when I’m moody. Because I get cranky when I’m hungry.

These are the things I worry about. I am a woman. And this is what we do.

Women need constant reassurance, and the only way we know how to get it is to fight, and push buttons, and push past the buttons all the way to the brink of breaking up, so we can see – will he be there then?

My mother argues men can deal with this at first, but it adds up and is like a brick falling from the sky each time. It builds and it is cumulative and eventually they have a wall, and they think I don’t need this. I don’t need to be unhappy, nothing I do ever works or helps, and I can’t make her happy. This isn’t the way I want to live, men think.
 
And there’s a limit to what a man can take, my mother says.

“And you – ” she continues, “you need to live for today and for you. You can’t know the future. And nothing about your past relationships is pertinent for today. You have to resist the urge to fight. Resist the urge to be angry in an instant over nothing, resist pushing to the breaking point constantly.”

Careers are like this. Maybe you have an idea, or you really want something, or all of your dreams are suddenly within reach. But you make up excuses of why you can’t get there. You prove every hypothesis on why it won’t work. You extrapolate the worst. You don’t call people when you should. You think less of yourself than you used to. You ask others to comfort your decisions. You trip over your own accomplishments just to see – are you on the right path?

Lucky for you, careers are often just as forgiving and patient as men in the beginning, but you have to grow up for continued success. You have to mature before the wall seems insurmountable.

“It is work,” my mother concludes. “It’s a lot of work. But if it’s truly in your heart, you have to do that. You have to work to make it happen.”

Motherly advice.

By Rebecca Healy

My goal is to help you find meaningful work, enjoy the heck out of it, and earn more money.

44 replies on “Careers are like relationships, so ask your mom for advice”

I think your mother just gave ME advice about relationships and you tied it into my career path! I do the same thing to myself, and I think it comes from my perfectionist nature. I demand perfection from myself in relationships and at work, which only leads to failure because of course perfection is never attainable. I didn’t realize that it might have to do with wanting others to live up to this ideal, too, and I’m glad you shared this advice. Now, if only I can be mature enough to take it…

This makes me laugh – not in a mean way but in the “Oh God have I been there” way.

Because I pick at my husband and I push at my husband. Because I love him but I’m also so scared that someone so incredible could love me. So I pick and push, testing to see if its real. Even though I already know its real because its my life and I live it each day.

But I think this is what 95% of relationships look like in your twenties – and in turn, 95% of careers look the same at this point. Some of us will figure the career stuff out sooner, for others it will be the relationship stuff. I have faith that it will all come together with time.

@ Meg – Oh girl, I know all about perfectionism! I’ve let that go a lot in my career, but haven’t gotten there in relationships yet. I’m so glad that it was helpful advice. Thank you for your comment!

@ Dorie – I feel exactly the same way. Zeus is so incredible, I don’t feel like I deserve him. It’s great to hear others have been there too, thanks for sharing your story!

What a great post! I sabotage things, particularly relationships, as well. Just to see how far they can go. I wonder what it is about us that can’t make us happy enough with what we have…

You have a very good and smart Mom. She gave you motherly advice when you asked for it and were ready for it. Kudos to you for asking for advice from your Mom and your Mom for giving such good advice. Now the tough part – the implementation. I sincerely wish the best to you regardless of how the future unfolds.

I’ve been sick this week, but this post probably cured my cold ;)

We all know Zeus is reading your blog, so when he reads this post, what do you think crosses through his head? Have you told him what you just wrote about or is this brand spankin new?

You are great. You can do no wrong. All men suck, but Zeus seems a cut above to me. Is he good enough for you and you for him? Time will tell.

You have to find what works and keep it and throw out what doesn’t work. Relationships–personal and professional–are work. Great ones have good foundations and build through lifes experiences.

Did I say they are work? Everyone involves has to work at it. Communicate expectations. Communicate hopes and dreams. He can’t read your mind and you can’t read his.

Oh, good god. I can tell you all about sabotaging relationships, testing your significant, etc. For me, it’s been learning to have a little patience more than any other thing. When I’m going to snap, get angry, go off, or even suggest some *brilliant* idea, I need to cool it. And not for a few minutes, but for a few days. Because I need distance from my emotions.

Someone much wiser than I told me to ignore my girlish emotions, and to listen to my womanly instincts. They are sharply honed as opposed to the nebulous fog of my emotions. It takes a while for me to get past the emotion and to get down to my instincts.

My significant other recently laid something on me : “Your expectations are too high, Holly,” he said. And not just for my relationship, but for life in general. My expectations have always been too high. And fear of not meeting them paralyzes me from doing so many of the great things I aspire to.

In short, we’re gonna make mistakes, right? And the fear of making them sabotages the good things? So, why not go out there and make your mistakes whole-heartedly? The worst mistakes I’ve made are the choices I made based on fear – like, say trying an open relationship to ease the pain of my significant other moving away. Not so much. Big mistake, totally based on fear.

When I take a big breath and say to myself, OK let’s go f&*k it all up, I rarely make a mistake. I’m not afraid, because I figure something’s going to go wrong and that’s fine. It frees me to enjoy the moment, instead of dreading that unknown quantity in the future. I’m not sure why, but that’s how it works for me.

So go mess it all up, Rebecca.

@ Nisha – Thanks! No kidding. My goal is try to kick that habit – I’ll be sure to share any insights all the way ; )

@ Mark W. – Thanks for your support, much appreciated. I think it was kind of key that my mother gave me good advice at the right time and I was ready to hear it. That’s always the first part of change…

@ Dan – Awesome, I’m glad I could help ; ). Zeus knows all about this stuff. We talk about it and I told him I was writing the post. I mentioned I could take it down if he didn’t like it, and he said “Of course not!” He’s a good one.

@ Mom – Thanks for the additional advice. I’m glad to hear that I’m still great and you like Zeus so much : )

@ Holly – Great advice, as always. Thanks so much for sharing and making me feel less crazy! I love the idea of ignoring your girly emotions and focusing on your womanly instincts. I’m so right with you!

@ Dude – Well thanks for the support! : )

Rebecca,

I found myself nodding along with you. Boy, are relationships work, regardless of if you are dating a man or a woman! Your mom’s question->” You must be doing it for a reason – a lack of confidence in yourself, or in him?” struck a nerve with me.

So many of the bloggers that I read (and myself) need to see how cool we really are, and stop being so hard on ourselves. I heard a song the other day that had a line where the woman was trying to figure out why the man was with her, and she said “If I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly” I remind myself of that when I wonder why the hell the gf continues to hang around even though my life is a hot mess.

And on the career front, You are so right!!! I really, really need to stop questioning myself every time the going gets tough. I need to stop asking if I am on the right path, and start putting a little work in to make my dreams come true.

This post is amazing, and right on time. Thanks, love.

@ Monica – Interesting, I don’t think it’s just bloggers, but everyone. Bloggers are just honest about it : ) I love, LOVE that quote, “If I am a reflection of him, I must be fly.” That’s a terrific way to look at things. Anywho, you’re awesome and thanks for sharing!

@ Dan – Uh, yeah, my mom pretty much rocks. ; )

Rebecca,
Being of the same sign as you (we almost have the same birthday, after all), I have to tell you what a perfectionist I have been all my life. I had the same thing going with my hubby (and past relationships) and recently (2 years ago?) got great advice from a very wise person (a therapist, but more like a sage). He explained to both of us that we were both control freaks and we each have such strong personalities that we wanted, no, needed power over each other to prove ourselves. So we found ourselves arguing about the stupidist things. Of course, the ‘aha’ for us and how he explained this at the time was much more profound than what I am writing here but I gotta tell ya, don’t wait until you are my age to “let go”. It is really a new found relationship I am in and we have a blast.

Do you think Zeus might also be a bit like his Mom and Dad?

Just a thought…

@ Zeus’s Mom – Thanks so much for the comment! I think I’ve gotten better at letting the perfectionism thing go in my career, but I’m still learning in relationships. I love “aha” moments (and not just because I adore Oprah), and talking to my mom really provided that for me. Zeus has been great while I’m trying to figure things out, and he’s an amazing communicator, which helps too. With your advice, and my mom’s advice, we can’t go wrong! ; )

I didn’t think baby boomers knew how to comment until my mom figured it out months back.

This post just shows how transparent a blog can actually be.

If Modite’s teacher or manager commented and Zeus’ brother commented…things might get more interesting.

Reality TV show anyone?

They say we should learn something new everyday. The majority of the days I learn new things about my girlfriend, and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it. It is good that you are learning these things about yourself (and Zeus) now.

Also, reaching out to your parents is one of the most important things you can do. I have done it all of my life, and it has gotten me to where I am today.

@Dan Schawbel Reality TV show?? O yea!

@ Dan – I want to do a reality show. I’d be so good. Someone should get it together and do videos like on momversation.com but brazen-style. That’d be cool.

@ Zeus’ brother – I agree and I’m trying really hard to learn a lot now. But also realizing that part of a meaningful relationship is the learning and that takes time, and that’s really exciting too. Thank you for commenting : )

@ Pare – Thanks for the support! And the families are great, aren’t they? ; )

My favourite link in this post is to the JK Rowling commencement speech at Harvard. I watched this speech yesterday so when I stumbled upon it in your blog I got all excited!

I found this speech truely inspiring. She touched on a few issues which I found especially poignant, mostly about becoming comfortable with failure, but what really struck home for me was when she reflected on her own parents. She argued that you lose the right to blame your parents for steering you in the wrong direction as soon as you take control of the wheel.

As soon as I took control of the wheel, moved out and started seeing my relationship with my parents as that between adults, I found that my conversations changed. I started talking to my mum in much the same way you seem to and it’s incredibly liberating.

She no longer just tells me what I want to hear. Our conversations somethimes surprised as I discovered that my parents will express actual opinions to me rather than just parenting.

It’s a great feeling and I’m very grateful for it.

A little late to the party on this one, but had to say that the sabotage thing only happens subconsciously – if you’re not aware of it your head will go around pulling at all kinds of threads until the tapestry of your life is a big bundle of knots on the floor.

Open it up and see it for what it is – a means to keep you safe no matter what the cost personally or professionally. That’s what your subconscious wants – for you to be safe, warm and comfortable and it’ll use every trick in the book to make sure you’re living a small enough life free from risk.

I love Holly’s comment when she says – “I’m not afraid, because I figure something’s going to go wrong and that’s fine. It frees me to enjoy the moment, instead of dreading that unknown quantity in the future.

Spot on. Knowing that you can deal with whatever life throws at you (even if it’s heart-rippingly painful) frees you up to engage with the things that matter and let go of the rest.

PS: Isn’t it funny how it’s the people closest to us who see the worst of us?

Wow. The amount of simple, applicable wisdom in this post is incredible. I think it takes some time for each of us to find the clarity to understand that we have to live our lives to win, as opposed to living “not to lose”…to borrow an overused sports analogy.

Some of us will never quite get there, but those who do will have much more fun!

oh my goodness rebecca! your blog is just what i need! as a gen y-er floundering about trying to figure out what to do with her life, i need all the help i can get.

and madison, wisconsin eh? i’ve never thought of myself in the midwest, but hey, who knows! if i do, i’ll make sure to look you up :)

thanks for stopping by and for your comment!

Extreme passion and desire for perfection are not great for career or for relationships – but you know what, they are awesome things to possess in life – when they are toned down a bit – just a little bit.

I LOVED this post – I am just a little older than the typical Gen Y, but I was right where you are a few years ago. And then I became a mom – which was super cool – cause all of a sudden I put that passion into parenting and most other things sorted themselves out. Look at what Holly says – that is exactly what happens once we have kids – we have the same passion but without the fear – it is a killer combination ;)

I think of myself as Gen Y and my theory is that Gen Y will make awesome parents (me=awesome parent ;) haha) – the focus on learning, passion, growing are all great things for kids to see and emulate.

Communicate. Keep what works and throw the rest. Great advice by @mom :)

Rebecca,
This is a great post. Professionally – I find myself in a delicate balance of challenging myself enough and not being too much of a perfectionist. If I don’t challenge myself I will get bored and sabotage or procrastinate but I can also overwhelm myself being too meticulous.

Relationship – As someone who is single it’s easy to pretend I’ve been there done that with my relationships and I’m “over” these things. I guess only time will tell :D

Your mother is clearly very wise (the “all men suck” comment notwithstanding:), and I think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I don’t really know Zeus, except what you’ve written about him, but he does seem pretty wonderful, and I hope for your sake (and his)that he is indeed the “right one” for you. One good sign that he may be, is that he is apparently genuinely aware of just how WONDER-full You are.
Your openess, honesty, vulnerability and presence continue to inspire, Rebecca.

Women need constant reassurance? Hey, speak for yourself, girlie.

You’re, what, 20something? Stop worrying, you’ve got plenty of time to burn on dumb boys. Have fun. Just don’t get a disease, and don’t get knocked up before you have non-marital property of your own, a good resume, that grad degree in hand, and money in the bank. Single motherhood would crimp you and your career something fierce.

I’d recommend taking the career somewhat more seriously.

Women need constant reassurance? Hey, speak for yourself, girlie.

You’re, what, 20something? Stop worrying, you’ve got plenty of time to burn on dumb boys. Have fun. Just don’t get a disease, and don’t get knocked up before you have non-marital property of your own, a good resume, that grad degree in hand, and money in the bank. Single motherhood would crimp you and your career something fierce.

I’d recommend taking the career somewhat more seriously.

Great post! I always go to my mom for advice and she makes it so simple when I make it so hard. I hate how she’s always right! Thanks for expressing it so well, while still allowing people like you and me to relate. I’m a new reader, soon to be continuous reader. Thanks!

Very nice post! I thought that I was the only person that battles with this…constantly pushing something good away; unconciously of course). Thanks for sharing!

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