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Career women should try harder – especially in the Midwest

Ryan and I recently celebrated one year of dating officially. What makes this more impressive is that we’re both extremely career-oriented. Even more extraordinary is the fact that we’re not married with babies.

There’s a lot of pressure to settle down, never mind the fact that I don’t feel anywhere near ready to have children. And while I can imagine my life with Ryan, I don’t see the rush. With previous boyfriends, things could have ended at any moment. Now I have time.

In the Midwest, however, I do not. Twenty-six years of age is starting to get old and the female role models to dispel such rumors are few and far between. I can’t, in fact, think of a single woman in Madison that I look up to and follow for her career. Perhaps because the women I know in leadership roles exemplify negative stereotypes, and perhaps because there are simply more men than women leading business here.

It’s difficult, yes. When I graduated college and entered the real world, I had no idea how difficult it would be. Even in the start-up world, women are barely a consideration. When it comes to founding successful companies, apparently old guys rule. Young guys have a shot too. But women aren’t even part of the equation.

And while I love my job and am lucky to have been given opportunities I wasn’t afforded in previous positions, the patterns, however unintentional, are still there. It’s predominately male in our office and women are predictably relegated to the customer service and marketing departments.

The same pattern is propagated throughout society. For instance, Nisha Chittal reports on a study from Media Matters for America that shows on average, Sunday Morning show guests are 80 percent male (on shows like Chris Matthews, Fox News Sunday, Face the Nation, and Meet the Press).

And yet women do seem to make great strides career-wise. Ernst & Young went so far as to say that the world needs more female bosses. “Investing in women to drive economic growth is not simply about morality or fairness. It’s about honing a competitive edge,” Ernst & Young chairman and CEO Lou Pagnutti said. “Women have contributed more to global GDP growth than have either new technology or the new giants, China and India.”

But the Midwest seems to be particularly fond of holding onto the old formula of success for women: meet, marry, opt-out. This is purely anecdotal of course. The newest Census study shows it’s actually a myth that privileged, well-educated women are opting-out. Even when broken down by geographic location, the Midwest has drastically more married couples with children and both parents in the labor force, compared to say, California or New York (see page 15 in the report).

Which makes me think we’re not telling the right stories.

I recently broke down to Ryan, “I don’t want to be like the young couples we sit with at weddings or the rich ones we meet at events. Their eyes are so vacant. So disappointed. They’re stunned or seemingly regretful. It scares me.”

“Rebecca,” he replied, “do you think we’re anything like those couples?”

I sniffled and agreed, maybe he was right. But I need women to be stronger role models and more outspoken – whatever path they choose. I don’t want to be afraid of motherhood. And I don’t want to be afraid of missed opportunity either.

There are some enthralling stories about the beautiful complexity that is marriage and motherhood. But these stories just don’t exist about being a woman in the workplace. We need to start telling those. Now. Not just recognizing powerful career women, say on a list or with an award, but telling the stories that infuse society. I need to hear more stories with women that inform my consciousness each morning. And I need to hear them right here in Wisconsin.

By Rebecca Healy

My goal is to help you find meaningful work, enjoy the heck out of it, and earn more money.

50 replies on “Career women should try harder – especially in the Midwest”

Rebecca, I agree so much with this post I’d venture so far as to say I’d heart it. Too girly? Well, tough sh*t, cause I am (in fact) a girl and will implement my girl-ness onto such things! :)

This is what I too long for in my elder generations. I KNOW there are women out there fighting and winning and breaking down barriers and kicking some butt, but I don’t hear their stories as often. I instead hear the stories of how limited they are, and how they tried and failed, and how the business world just isn’t made for women.

And I want to cry and hit and get angry and sad all in one fell swoop cause darnit I WANT to change things but I sometimes feel like I’m on an island shouting into the wind. If only we all started sharing stories more and supporting each other more than who KNOWS what could be accomplished!

PS – I feel like it might be near impossible for you and Ryan to ever be “one of those couples.” In a very good way. ;)

KUDOS, Rebecca. No one does bring that up, especially the point about the lists vs. real, meaningful stories and features on women who have found lifelong happiness in possibly JUST her career or JUST raising a family. I feel like the media has this saccharine notion that women have to have a “balanced” family life in order to be a real, successful professional mom, and the Midwest is the worst. I’m from Nebraska, much the same as Madison. I’m 26 and married, but no kids planned for at least 4 more years.

For example, the last real “balanced” mom I knew had 2 young kids at home, did tons of charity work, was bone-thin and was co-CEO of a PR agency in Denver. She came in early and left by 4 to pick up her kids.

I was amazed until more senior co-workers who worked with her said, “Oh yeah, we get e-mails from her between 10 and midnight, or again between 4 and 6 a.m. She only sleeps 4 hours a night.” It blew my mind. Then in early 2009, I wasn’t as shocked to learn that the company had folded in the face of hard times.

It’s crazy to think a woman can “do it all.” There have to be sacrifices along the way. Maybe yes, you can have kids, but it’s a 10% permanent earnings decrease for ever 2 yrs. out of the workforce. Not a good exchange.

I ditto you — give us examples of real women, making real choices with real successes. Great post.

You won’t hear me say this often, but you can blame the Xers for this one.

Xers tend not to really open up to people outside our cohort group. We used to, but we kept getting slammed by Boomers. So we just kind of shut up. If you could be a fly on the wall when a bunch of Xers are together, you’d get the stories and information you want. We’re doing you a disservice.

Here’s what I want you to know. I am 38 years old. I have a really awesome job. I have two kids and a husband I married when I was 26. I was the first one of my friends to get married. Most of them got married in their early 30s.

My biggest fear when I had my first daughter was that I was going to turn into one of those freaky, totally kid obessed breast-feeding Nazis. The biggest compliment I get is that my essence has not changed since I had my girls (first one at 30, second at 33).

What I have learned about being a woman in the workforce is this – I’m not a guy. It works better to work with the strengths you have as a woman then try to become a guy. The fact is that our career success is mostly based on how well we get along with others. You don’t have to be the smartest or best. You just have to get along with them. And women don’t get along with other people by trying to act like a guy.

There are things that happen if you decide to marry and reproduce. Your career takes a hit (but mine only really took a slight one). When you go on maternity leave, some of the old guys (and old chicks) will turn their noses down at you. And your husband may be totally crushed that he has to go back to his job after just one week and can’t be with the baby.

But as you get older, some other cool things happen. You have more clarity. You get stronger. You can make the tough choices and be okay with it. And it becomes a lot easier to see why some women work full time, some work part time, some stay home – and they are all legitimate choices (not opting out).

Because I’ve been with a guy the same age as me since we graduated from college, I can tell you that it’s not any easier for the men your age. It may have been easier for the Boomer guys, but not any of the generations that followed. Our guys have a lot more pressure to be well-balanced than ever before.

Rebecca, I feel the same way. Especially having moved to Minnesota, there’s the same pressure. I should be married by now…own a house…start thinking about babies. My mom was a good role model for me, but she had to make a lot of hard choices. She had gotten her masters when I was a baby and did very well for a while. But then, as a Navy family, we started moving so frequently that the upkeep of career with a husband gone 70% of the time and three young children made it seem impossible. When we were in high school she went back to work with a “My Turn” attitude. I think that was incredibly brave, especially when she had to watch her children become independent without her. At the same time, she was proud we could get by on our own.

I’m used to hearing from my dad that if I want it all, I need to marry well. My financial advisor even says to be sure he has $200K in life insurance. You mention life insurance to our generation and their eyes glaze over.

I did learn one thing in my travels. Even if there aren’t role models for me, I can be a role model for someone else. I know I was at my best when I was an advisor at American University, and now I work with high schoolers. Even if I have to figure things out myself, I know there are impressionable young women behind me waiting to follow in my steps. That’s a great motivator.

Thanks for the wonderful post, as usual :)

For as many strides as women have made, there’s still a long way that we have to go. It’s still true that having children affects women’s careers — and slows down their career growth — in ways that it doesn’t affect men. We have far more options and choices than we did, say, 30 years ago, but few women can have it all. We still have to make choices.

P.s. not gonna lie, this is one of the things I don’t miss about the Midwest. One thing I love about DC is there’s no shortage of female role models here. However, a lot of those career women here who have successful careers often choose not to have kids, or have kids very late. When you look for stronger female role models, are you looking for women with successful marriage + thriving career + kids? Because like I said: few women, in any part of the country, have all of those things. I just think in places like DC more women choose careers over kids/marriage. Perhaps in the midwest it’s the other way around. Or at least appears that way. But I think we’re going to have a hard time finding women who successfully have all 3 of those things. I don’t know that it’s possible. Yeah it’s not fair. But it shows how much the playing field still has to change for women, even in 2009…

Rebecca,

Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago and spent the last 6 years on the east coast – but 26 is hardly old. Maybe in Madison sure, but I feel like I’m just getting started, and I’m 24. Let alone old. So to that point – if that’s a huge concern, the age thing, what are your options? Move? Ignore it? Succumb to the pressures of being in your mid-20’s and married?

Personally, having grown up in Kansas (and bolted out of there ASAP after graduation), I am the last one standing of my immediate circle of friends from HS. I’m single, career-driven, and you know what? I don’t regret a second of it. I’m 24 and loving life, working hard, and all that jazz. Friends of mine are married, some with two kids. TWO KIDS! At 24! I see pictures from weddings and baby showers and they all look, like you said, vacant. But I guess that’s the lay of the land here.

The only struggle I face with that, too, is that sometimes I feel like I’m behind. Like, why do I not have someone to spend the rest of my life with yet? And then I wake up. I’m TWENTY-FOUR. No need to rush. I think you and Ryan will prevail as long as you guys settle down when/if you’re ready – not when the city of Madison tells you to.

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite comedians, Daniel Tosh, goes something to the effect of “go ahead and move to the middle of the country – that’s what it’s for, the people that gave up on their dreams”. Is that true? Of course not. There are plenty of successful people that relocate to the midwest. But then again, every time I hear that line in his act, I think of all of my friends who were so ambitious come HS graduation, and now they’re moms. Without degrees. Without that rich experience that comes with working/living/functioning on your own. Maybe motherhood is their dream. But knowing my friends, I think secretly, they envy us. The ones who are taking their time, not rushing into having a family, etc.

Great post – definitely got me thinking early in the day!

Rebecca,

Great post. A couple things you wrote stuck with me:

1.” But the Midwest seems to be particularly fond of holding onto the old formula of success for women: meet, marry, opt-out”
Could the reason that you don’t see more women in the workplace (or see them opt out) is that the workplace is unforgiving?

I got married a year ago (at 22), and had a heck of a time getting out of all my work to go on my honeymoon. Even then, we had a somewhat urgent deadline and my boss wanted to be able to reach me on my cell phone. This was a huge struggle for me, because, as much as I love working and the power and fulfillment it brings me, I love my husband and my family more, and want to spend more time with them than I do at work. In the end, I know I’ll remember that Saturday birthday party more than my promotion, and I strive to balance work and life as much as possible. And it is a struggle. And we don’t even have kids yet! I can’t imagine what moms have to go through to be fulfilled both at work and make sure their family is taken care of.

2) Which leads me to my second point that Generation XPert made, “What I have learned about being a woman in the workforce is this – I’m not a guy. It works better to work with the strengths you have as a woman then try to become a guy.” Women are better at taking care of kids. That’s just the way it is biologically. Which puts working women in a huge conundrum, and one that’s been discussed frequently.

What it comes down to is my third thought, when you write,
“I don’t want to be afraid of motherhood. And I don’t want to be afraid of missed opportunity either.” It’s ridiculously hard to balance both. But in the end, you have to look at what’s more important to you. For me, I always try to walk the tightrope between being up as lead for projects and being home at 5:00 every day so I can spend time with my husband. It’s tricky.

Something to add to the dicussion, this Slate article where the mom and dad swap roles: http://www.slate.com/id/2231321/entry/2231514/

I think the only thing we can hope for is the opportunity to chart our own paths… to make sure every decision we make is based solely on what we want and not on what we think we’re supposed to want–whether that’s “having it all,” having kids, getting married, having a successful career, or moving to Costa Rica to live in a beach cabana and rent out surf boards to tourists.

Women (and men) are too often unhappy because they made choices that reflected the interests of others.

Outside of our personal choices, the world is being affected by the pressure conform. Far too few women are in board rooms and politics (and on Sunday news shows, as you mentioned). And because the our system is highly seniority-based, choices that pull women out of the workplace or the political pipeline mean they’ll never climb to the top.

I’m starting to think our family model, which in the US is heavily focused on a very limited, nuclear family, is holding us (not just women, but all of society) back.

My boyfriend (by the way, we’ve been together unmarried for many years–a choice we’ve made that never fails to arouse curiosity or suspicion because it is not expected) once worked in a sushi shop run by two Hawaiians who talk about “ohana.” Look it up–ohana is an extremely (by American standards) broad word for family that goes beyond our nuclear units and even blood. And I think that when nurturing children, career, and dreams we could all use a little more ohana.

Hi Rebecca – A thought-provoking post as usual. It seems to me that there’s the specter of the “having it all” media trap that sucked my generation dry lurking in the background: the citation refuting the “commonly held wisdom” that everyone is doing A, not B. In the late 70’s and 80’s everyone was doing her damnedest at everything. And all everyone mostly got was tired of that really fast.

The media was full of examples to emulate. One was a woman who disguised her pregnancy-related bed rest by importing extra telephone lines and holding staff meetings in her hospital room. Surely then, I thought, I can continue to work throughout my twins’ gestation. That’s what a go-getter does. What does a go-getter do with pre-term labor besides deny that it’s anything but Braxton-Hicks? When delivering at 26 weeks, as I did? When admonished by HR for taking a longer maternity leave? Silly me, I thought the week I took off when they were born and one died counted as bereavement. I was back at work while my son was in the NICU for 3 months because I wanted to be at home when and if he got there.

We’re still, 20+ years later, skirting around perspective and differences. What seems to be thriving still is the divisiveness among women with respect to tracking: the mommy track trap (breastfeeding Nazis are the least of it, try the PTA Nazis for a more global outlook LOL), the career track (with regional bias). Why can’t we just accept that we differ, and also that what’s important is a fluid thing? Vicki’s comment about what’s important touches the key element to this.

Short term memory starts to suck when you’re in your 50’s, but I remember with crystalline clarity the admonition from all sides of the female realm in those early days: Divided we fall. As long as we’re fighting with each other on the sidelines, we’ll never prevail on the larger battlefield.

And, if truly there are no positive role models for you in Madison, Minneapolis has them to spare. You could probably see them from your house! :D

You are on a roll! This is a great post, and one that I wholeheartedly agree with.

I’ve been lucky to live in the South and to be blessed with great female bosses and women in business and the public sector with great jobs. About a year ago, one of these fabulous ladies took me aside and asked me if I wanted to get married and have kids.

I sputtered for a moment and told her that I wasn’t in a position to get married and kids are not on the horizon for me. What she said next surprised me. She, a married woman with cats not kids, told me that it is next to impossible to get to her level (CEO of a county) while having kids.

My mouth dropped open but she’s right. In my experience, women in high levels of government and business don’t have kids (and most are gay). Those that do have kids, have a much harder time, and depend on others to pick up the slack when the kids need to be tended to.

Even in 2009 women can’t have it all.

@ Elisa – Aw, thanks so much! I definitely know what you mean, that’s it’s like being on an island sometimes. I know very few women that are career-oriented to the extent I am, and while admittedly I’m not networking like I used to, even then I couldn’t find many leaders. Hopefully, the more we talk about it, the more these women will rise to the top.

@ Crystal – See, I do want it all. Ha. But yes, I understand there have to be sacrifices and I agree that we need to tell the stories of women that are making those, so we understand what’s going on and can be truly inspired versus trying to guess along the way. Thanks for the comment!

@ GenerationXpert – Thank you so much for sharing your story. Really, it helps to hear it, even if you’re not someone I know in real life : ). I particularly like your rules for success as a women in the workforce. I agree that we need to utilize our own particular strengths instead of trying to emulate men. I just worry about being taken seriously sometimes. Which is why you’re right. It’s the most important to get along.

@ Emily – Haha, your life insurance comment cracked me up. I have my own life insurance. And since I grew up with a powerful mother as a role model, I definitely rely on myself financially. And I like that you’re a role model for others – I strongly believe as I’ve mentioned before that teaching is the fastest way towards expertise.

@ Nisha – In terms of the role model, I’m looking for women that are successful in the workplace either with kids or without, but that are outspoken about the choices they have made. I rarely see any stories, whether the women have put off having kids, or are trying to have it all. I’d like to know how women are making it work… you know? Thanks for the comment and for part of the inspiration for the post!

@ Sydney – I definitely don’t think twenty-six is old. But I do think it is starting to push it in the Midwest. People start to wonder when you’re going to get married and have kids. I love that you feel like you’re just getting started, because I feel the same way too. But there aren’t that many women here around me with the same views. I know they’re out there though, so I’ll look harder, and hopefully they will shout louder.

@ Vicki – Hm… I do think the workplace is slightly unforgiving, especially for women. But I don’t think that women or men are better at taking care of kids and so that predestines us to a certain path. But yeah, I imagine it’s extremely tricky… thanks for sharing a different viewpoint!

Rebecca, seems to me you’re charting a next step for yourself. YOU are currently telling the story you want to hear…so perhaps next step is to tell your story louder. Bigger. Wider.

Tell the stories that infuse society. You. Start with you. You’ll be amazed at how many people follow you. (But you already know that :)

2 cents

@ Alli – Thanks so much for your comment. I love the reminder that we should all chart our own path and not conform to the pressures of those around us. And I appreciate you sharing your own personal story as well as I think that’s extremely important – to hear of examples that are different than the societal norm. Off to look up ohana now… : )

@ Betsy – I think your comment echos Alli’s in that we just have to do what is right for each of us individually, and fight for those rights in the workplace as well as at home. It makes me happy to hear of women who have been doing that like yourself. No doubt the path will be easier for me, so thank you.

@ Monica – It saddens me to hear that women can’t have it all… but I think your observations are very interesting. We have a large gay population here that are extremely successful in leadership positions and I wonder if that’s in part due to some of the reasons you state above. Thanks for commenting and sharing your story!

@ Lisa – Ah, I love your comments. Yes, I want to tell these stories louder, bigger, wider. It’s encouraging to hear that someone else thinks that helps make a change. Thank you so much.

Um, come by the DC area for a long weekend. Or just hang out at our online haunt: dcurbanmom.com You’ll hear lots of stories of work/life tradeoffs, equally parenting dads, and women enjoying both a satisfying career and involved parenting. For that matter, check out my favorite daddy blogger.

Personally, I just blew off any pressure to quit my job once I had kids — but then, I only spend about 2 weeks a year in Wisconsin. So maybe I didn’t get fully indoctrinated.

This is a beautiful post. I really resonate with it. Probably because I’m from the Midwest and also because I’m in a ‘startup’ town, run by tech and men. I don’t have a woman that I can look up to for their career here, either.

You’re right though, research can show that women can create, be dynamic and run large companies. A friend of mine says, “Honey, you can have it all…with help.” I’m not sure if I agree with that, but I’m starting to see that managing even my own life is challenging. I think about kids, a husband, an even higher powered job and I gulp.

However, as Ryan wisely said to you, I don’t think you have to worry because you aren’t and won’t be like those other couples or people. I have learned to trust a lot more in who I am and the lifestyle that I welcome into my life. Sounds esoteric, but it has worked wonders for me. Trusting.

In the meantime, I would love a mentor. A woman to look up to. Who does juggle it all, but doesn’t negatively reinforce those stereotypes. Let me know if you find one in Madison. I’ll let you know in Boulder :)

@ Katherine – Thanks for the suggestions! I just might do that : ) A good friend of mine lives in DC and funnily enough is resigning herself to be less of a career person because of her husband’s career. I know that’s not the norm, but definitely makes me think! Appreciate you sharing some resources.

@ Grace – Uh, yes, I would love some help! You know, I think women in general don’t ask for help as much and believe we should be able to do it all and that’s probably part of the problem. When I have enough money, would I hire a housecleaning service or insist on doing it myself still? I’m not so sure. And yes, I would love a mentor. Do let me know what you unearth : )

This was an interesting post. I live and work in the Chicago land area. I have a strong religious background so marriage and kids is def. in my plans. But by no means does that mean I will stop working.

I love to be challenged and grow. Period. No matter what my lifestyle is a t home I will find ways to be working. I have that motivation inside me and I will never let that go.

But I do agree that women have to work harder to be taken seriously and get noticed and get respect in the office. Nice job on the blog!

But the Midwest seems to be particularly fond of holding onto the old formula of success for women: meet, marry, opt-out.

Ah, the Midwest. I’m a Midwest transplant in Boston, but a lot of my family is still there. My (not that much) older brother is married with three children. I…am not. I do, however, get asked when I’m getting married and when I’m having babies pretty much every time I find myself back in the Midwest. I tend to just smile and laugh, but the truth is those things are nowhere in my near future and I am okay with that, even if my family is not.

I’m lucky and have a bad ass female boss and am surrounded by other bad ass females both at work and at school. But even in Boston I’ve found that you sometimes have to seek out female role models if you’re not finding them in your immediate surroundings. But they’re out there! Everywhere.

Rebecca, thank you for this post! Similar to you and Emily, my mom has been a great role model for me on how to succeed professionally and personally. On the same note, I have seen firsthand how hard it can be.

Currently, I am one of three women who work full time at my company; there are 15 men. This has been a challenge. Many times I feel as though I work harder and smarter than some of “the guys” but it is not recognized. I feel that my opinions don’t carry as much weight as my male counterparts, merely because I am a woman. This is frustrating, but it motivates me even more to continue to work hard and smart, so I can move on and up in my career.

I do have faith that there are many more women in the Midwest who have been successful both professionally and personally, and I too would like to hear their stories. I’m not sure if there is a WI chapter, but I recently joined the MN Women in Marketing and Communication organization, in hopes to meet some of these women and learn from them. I will make sure to share any good stories I hear.

I do want to thank you Rebecca. It is young women like you that have inspired me to keep working my butt off, despite the frustrations that can come with hard work.

*I am 23 and people have been asking me for over a year when I and my 25 yr. old boyfriend will be engaged–and we still live 90 miles away from each other! People need to relax; there is plenty of time!

Thank you for writing this.

I am 24, single and do not have children. My career is my priority right now.

I feel the pressure, too. I get the looks of pity from girlfriends who are married and have babies on the way. I don’t get invited to dinner parties because I’m not a part of a couple. People seem impressed by what I’ve done in my career at a young age, then I see their faces snap to looks of understanding when they learn I’m single and don’t have children–“Of course! You’re successful because you’re ALONE! Ah! This makes sense now!”

Yes, it drives me nuts. But I can’t help but feel that I will have the last laugh.I am happier than I have ever been. Much happier than my slew of friends who are marrying “because it’s the Midwest and that’s what we do.”

I am building a life that makes me happy–that is dependent on no one’s happiness but my own. I have a fantastic career and though someday I want a family, that day is not now. Until then, I’m taking advantage of every opportunity and career move–including moving out of state–just because I can. I love my job. I strive for success. I AM successful.

While I think it’s possible to have it all, I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I were married or had children. And when I do have kids? My ambitions and goals will not lessen, because I’m not done learning and growing and conquering and I don’t think I ever will be.

SO bottomline, I’m here and I hear you. We should all work a bit harder to reach out to each other more.

This is a really great post, Rebecca.

None of my really close friends have gone down that road, but I have enough Facebook acquaintances to get my daily dose of “Look at my new baby!” photos. I am very sure that I don’t want kids right now, but I have more than once lamented to Mark that I wish all I wanted was a husband and kids. At least I’ve seen that story play out, I know what that life looks like.

I know I would feel tons more comfortable waiting to have kids if I saw and heard about more examples than J-Lo and Madonna.

You should move to Oak Park, IL. We’re an ultra liberal urban suburb right outside of Chicago, and I bet the average age of first time moms is over 30.

Personally, I’m thrilled that I waited until I was 31 to have a baby. I had two careers and got to satisfying points in both of them, and I really enjoyed my twenties, when just my husband and I hung out with friends downtown and traveled all the time. Having a kid doesn’t completely erase that lifestyle, but it does put a major crimp in it.

I do know what you’re saying about the Midwest, though. “Family values” are so strong you can smell them sometimes.

Best,

Alexandra Levit
Author, MillennialTweet: 140 Bite-Sized Ideas for Managing the Millennials
http://www.alexandralevit.com

I certainly can’t speak to being a woman. Or growing up in the Midwest. Or really having any of the pressures that you speak of. However, I can speak of my personal experience, coming up on my 3rd wedding anniversary next week, and a son who just turned two.

I always knew I wanted to be a parent. But in all honesty, the idea of marriage didn’t seem as concrete. Didn’t have divorce or anything in my family, but the idea of 1 person for the rest of my life? The math didn’t make sense. So I did what any guy in his early 20’s living in Florida would do. I basically was a whore for a few years.

But back to the point at hand. At no time was I ever under any pressure to get married, either from my friends, family, or women I dated. Maybe it was because I was the ‘weird’ one and my family didn’t think I’d ever get married. Or perhaps they knew I had some wildness to get out of me. Or maybe I just wasn’t the guy women wanted to settle down with (which I wouldn’t blame them). But whatever it was, it worked. When I got married (after 2 years of dating my wife), it felt right in every sense. The funny thing is that many of my friends are now getting married, and they’re in the mid to late 30’s. No rush there.

Perhaps it IS a Midwest thing. But perhaps, it’s the earlier generations passing down the experience they have. Many of them were married at a younger age (my folks were married at 21), and it’s natural for them. Is that a problem of their pressure? Or maybe it’s ours for not responding that it’s not how we’re making out lives? Parental pressure will never go away, and established gender roles may never truly go away. But if you’re living YOUR life in a way that YOU are happy with, all the gender stereotypes and societal pressures don’t matter. So I leave you with a question:

The pressure is always there. But why do you feel it?

I have to say, I find this post really terrible. For one, might it be you don’t know the right people? And have you ever thought how judgmental this sounds – “I don’t want to be like the young couples we sit with at weddings or the rich ones we meet at events. Their eyes are so vacant. So disappointed. They’re stunned or seemingly regretful. It scares me.” Perhaps it was that their company was terribly boring and self-absorbed?

What I need is for YOU to be stronger. And please – get over the marriage and age baggage.

I live on Iowa City, and I have had the opposite experience. Perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong crowd? I know nothing but career-minded women throughout the midwest who are in loving, exciting relationships … but we all have advanced degrees like master’s or PhDs. We”re in a very different subculture than most Midwesterns–and I know, because I’ve lived in Ohio, Indiana, Chicago, and now Iowa. Higher education = higher ideals.

Good luck!

Heard you wanted a guy’s opinion. I’m not your average guy but
I thought I might throw in something.

Somehow when I was growing up, I was surrounded by strong female role models. Especially in high school. My school had really good female athletes playing sports like rugby and wrestling. There were stories among the big guys on the wrestling team about how the girls were scary when wrestling. All of them were really attractive and had awesome personalities and I’m pretty sure every guy on the team would agree with me.

It was always the girl teams that got the 1st place medals while the guys got just above average results.

Now I’m not really interested in a “pure housewife” woman unless they did something really interesting beyond the female stereotype. If a girl did something awesome before choosing to become a housewife then that’s fine and kinda interesting. If a girl is just a super-specialist in being a housewife and not much else, I start questioning why be with her?

I am talking about the marriage kind of girl I want to be with by the way.

So I told you all about how strong female role models can happen in high school. Is there a way that it can be translated to the workforce? Is there a story about a company with the majority females that just dominated their market?

I completely know what you mean. I am from Cincinnati and now live in New York. All of my friends in Ohio are settling down, and — not to be condescending — it seems like careers are often on the backburner. I feel like if I went back there I would feel left out.

Let me add another perspective though: In New York there is the opposite pressure. People don’t seem to have lasting relationships in their twenties, and I feel like the old married couple (even though I’m not married but in a serious relationship). Everyone is soooo focused on their career that I wonder how I will ever have a family.

Such is the dichotomy of womanhood. Thanks for your post, and thanks for not giving up on the Midwest (maybe people like you will be good for Madison)!

And for some other perspective, here’s a piece from my wife’s blog on her ‘about me’ page:

I am a mother. I have a little boy. He is the single most amazing thing in my life…. In my younger years, I never thought that I wanted to have kids. That was something that kicked in when that “biological clock” started ticking. Even then, I expected that I would easily be able to transition in the world of working moms. I was wrong. I thought that I would be the type of mom who could leave her kids at home with her husband while pursuing my career. Nope. After my son was born, my “career” became and insignificant blip on the radar. All I wanted (and still want) to do is spend every waking minute with that little boy. He is my heart. He is my joy. I didn’t know I was capable of this kind of love.

Having kids changes everything. So many of these people that you mention who have ‘settled down’ have done so not out of resignation, but rather a change in priorities.

Hi Rebecca,

Here’s my thought…

I usually hear women mentioning about delaying their marriage… But when their boyfriends proposed and they accepted it!

whichever the case is, it’s good that you are focusing on your career first. Anyway, having a stable income will be beneficial to the future of family planning.

And I feel you can spend a little more than 1 year in this relationship. It’s not easy to have come this far, it wouldn’t harm to have another half year or more before he probably starts opening up with a ring… :)

Wish both of you all the best in your love life as well as in your careers! :)

Interesting post. As a born-n-bred Wisconsinite who has left and moved back several times, I do understand your frustrations about and love for Midwest family-centric culture. However, considering your long-term goals of “having it all” with career, marriage, and kids, is looking for women role models who have “tried harder” and excelled primarily at their careers really what you are looking for? Won’t you instead need friends and role models who choose their priorities, own their decisions, and creatively shape their lives to match them, regardless of what the exact combination those priorities and decisions looks like for each person? For this, I think there are deep and rich sources of personal stories, relationships, and experience available for sharing both online and right here in Madison. People will be less likely to share, though, if you come at them with any phrase that starts with “should” instead of a sincere and genuine interest in their lives and what you can learn from them. “Should” implies judgment, whether you mean it that way or not.

Rebecca: This is a very interesting post. Even though I’ve never lived in the Midwest, I can relate to the relationship aspect because I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than 4 years. Just last night, I was on the phone with a friend who asked me when he and I are getting engaged. The thing is, we did the long distance thing for three years, and have only been living together since April. Just like you, I know he’s “the one,” but I’m only 24, and I’m in no rush to get engaged or married. I have a great job and so does he. He’s planning on starting law school next year, so I’ll be the sole provider for a while. We’ll probably get married before he’s done with school, but by no means do I plan to stop working and start having babies anytime soon. My feeling is, if you’re secure in your relationship, there shouldn’t be any rush for a ring or a marriage certificate, unless that’s what you want.

Congrats on one year! It sounds like you and Ryan have a great, supportive relationship. My advice: Just take it as it comes and do whatever you have to do to be happy.

That quip about no women in Madison being suitable role models for having kids and a career and being open about it seems directly aimed at Penelope.

Anyway, “I recently broke down to Ryan, ‘I don’t want to be like the young couples we sit with at weddings or the rich ones we meet at events. Their eyes are so vacant. So disappointed. They’re stunned or seemingly regretful. It scares me.'”

Sounds like you’re projecting your fears. I have a hard time believing that young, rich married couples are universally vacant and stunned and disappointed let alone that you can accurately pick up on the crux of their life situation at one sniff.

And Sydney–” See pictures from weddings and baby showers and they all look, like you said, vacant. But I guess that’s the lay of the land here….I think they secretly envy us.”

You’re the one taking the time to write about them. If someone appears envious here, it would be you.

What’s irritating about this post and many of the comments is the blend of defensiveness and condescension.

Is it possible for young, career-minded women to bolster themselves up without comparing themselves to and tearing down others?

The answer is yes. There’s no need to be so small-minded.

I’m younger than you, but you realize that when you say “26 is starting to get old” that older people want to punch you in the face, right? I’ve made that mistake and almost had my elders throw down, it was not pretty

Madison isn’t completely devoid of female business leadership…they just have (unfortunately) made the decision to close themselves off from the next generation of career-oriented women.

TEMPO (TempoMadison.org) is a group of 250 or so Madison female leaders/executives. I personally find it really frustrating that they’ve limited their circle to women who have already made significant inroads with their careers…so much for lending a helping hand.

I am so sorry Rebbecca that you and others have been let down but us. You are right, we don’t tell our stories because no one has asked us. I live in MN. I have a successful career, a wonderful marriage and 2 college age sons who are well on their way to becoming incredible men. Wow, that was hard to say. You see, woman who are in their 40’s and 50’s haven’t grown up with the social media that you have and are just starting to get our voices. I guess I never thought what I have done is that remarkable. I just did it. And I made choices. Sometimes i took the job that paid less because I could spend more time with my kids. Sometimes I took the job that required a lot of travel to further my career, but sacrificed time with my family. You can do it all, just not all at the same time. But only if you have a supportive partner. My husband has been my biggest supporter. He has taken on more responsibility with the family to allow me the opportunity to focus totally on may career. We make decisions together on both of our careers – he too is very successful. In the Midwest, the culture is not to toot your own horn.

Only you and Ryan know what is best for you. It is natural to feel pressured to move to the next step. Each generation has their own pressure and it some ways, things don’t change. We each have to define four ourselves what success is. I take the greatest satisfaction in my marriage and kids, and yet others see me only as a successful business woman.

Woman in their 20’s have more choices now, but that is a burden as well as a gift. You are able to define who you are, don’t let anyone else do that for you.

This was a FANTASTIC post! You could have been speaking about my life. I grew up in rural Idaho. I literally don’t know a single person, man or woman, who has a life like mine. I now live in Denver, a much more cosmopolitan setting, but I think I’ve only met one woman I really would want to emulate in a professional setting. Such great insight.

Take your time and do what feels right for you, that’s all you can do. Great job!

Hi Rebecca,

I’ve been following you for awhile now and have finally decided to make myself known. I am 27. I was married at 18 because I felt like it, have 3 kids (no shot-gun wedding here), and run a successful business. Sure I’m no fortune 500 lady, but I view myself as highly successful, not afraid of motherhood or of men and the workforce. I think GenXpert and Christine hit it right on the money. We are not as apt to open up and tell our stories. I for one occasionally delve into personal matters on my blog but for me that is a place mostly for business. You have some valid arguments, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t women out there that fulfill both responsibilities its just that for me at least, I don’t have as much time to tell everyone about it. I am stacked full, but I like it that way.

I know we need role models, but at the same time, I always felt that if there wasn’t one, then I’d just be one for the next generation. I knew when I met my husband that even though I was 18, I was still going to have a family, have an education and have a career.

I think the great thing you have in Ryan is that he supports you in what you do, and ultimately that’s the kind of mate you want in life, one that helps you achieve those dreams whether it be career, family or both. While all the other men out there are amazed at how far I’ve come as a woman, my husband is there cheering me on. He’s a hard worker too but values who I am as a person enough to let me learn and grow in my own passions. Because I was never held down to motherhood, it was a decision I came to on my own, and is something I enjoy immensely. A lot of women can’t say that without having the feelings of missing out. Sure having married early, I missed out on travel, dating and more, but no matter who you are as a woman, there will always be things that are sacrificed no matter what path you choose.

You may think the pressure is on to have babies, but believe me, it goes both ways! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been reprimanded because I have “wild” children in a public place by a “career woman”. I doubt you are one of those as I see a lot of character in your words, but there is pressure on me too as to “why did I ever choose to reproduce.”

Your words are always so edifying and although we are in very different phases in life yet so close in age, I’d like to think that if we were at a table at a wedding together, you might look over to “that couple” and say “they are different too.”

And to Sharalyn – I didn’t grow up here, but I live in the most rural town in Idaho possible. I LOVE it to pieces, and still find it amazing every morning when I wake up. Just because it’s rural doesn’t mean it isn’t capable of being sophisticated.

I think if there were more women that expanded their knowledge and stopped assassinating each others’ characters there wouldn’t be pressure to do one thing or another but instead a great community of women that we could all learn a lesson or two from.

What you are seeing in Madison is not representative. It was not this way in the Ann Arbor/Detroit area and I doubt it would be in Chicago or Minneapolis. In fact I have friends with children and careers and none sacrificed their careers for family. Some did reprioritize after children but none left the work force; most stayed on the same path and have been successful.

I’ve worked at a number of companies and my current Madison employer is the least professional and most behind the times, most small-town thinking of all the places I’ve worked. I’ve talked to people who’ve worked at other big employers in town and they aren’t much different. It’s a shame that such a progressive town has such backwards companies.

Even in the South, women marry early too, even though the average age in the USA and Canada in which women marry is usually at 23. In Georgia or Alabama, for example the average age women marry between 17 and 22. I mean, in the South, especially in Atlanta, there are more men working outside of the home than women and they earn more as well. I see a lot more men than women, everywhere I go, even when I was in school because there’s more men than women in Atlanta, especially single men who are extremely desperate and often track you down or grab you wherever you go. It’s still a man’s world and it won’t change.

But anyway, most women are usually in the home, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children and they normally work traditional female jobs like daycare provider, elementary school teacher, nurse, etc. There are hardly any female bosses and owners of large companies in the South. Most of the bosses and owners of large companies are men and men, on average attend college and earn degrees more than women. In most colleges, there are more men than there are women and less women than men. Women, on average don’t go to college and they don’t earn degrees, either. It’s very traditional.

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