For the past eight or nine months, I’ve created a bubble around me of people I trust, making sweeping efforts to withdraw from drama. Through this process, I learned; the bubble always pops.
Here’s what that’s like for me: Imagine, you’re a crumb and you fall onto the sidewalk and an ant discovers you. His tiny ant friends are soon alerted and before you know it, you’re swarmed! A disgusting black blanket moves furtively and anxiously to completely and methodically chew through your every last morsel. The very thought makes me sick.
And more than anything, this is what it’s like when things are outside my locus of control. And I love control, especially in all of its anxiety-ridden devastation.
“Anxiety is not fear, exactly, because fear is focused on something right in front of you, a real and objective danger,” reports the New York Times. “It is instead a kind of fear gone wild, a generalized sense of dread about something out there that seems menacing — but that in truth is not menacing, and may not even be out there. If you’re anxious, you find it difficult to talk yourself out of this foreboding; you become trapped in an endless loop of what-ifs.”
For me, the what-ifs appear with even the simplest of situations. Ryan will inquire, for instance, if I would like to attend a concert last-minute, and my chest will immediately be gripped with all of the possible unknowns, and how all of these unknowns make it impossible for me to go.
Where is it? What time does it start? Are we going to get there late? Do we have to pay a cover? Will I have to walk in heels? I don’t have a cute outfit without heels. It’s going to be cold outside. Will I have to stand at the concert and carry my coat? Will it be hot? Will there be a lot of people? Are the people going be younger than me? Will they be boring? Will the band be good? Who’s going with? Are we going to get drinks after? Will the restrooms be clean? I can’t stand public restrooms.
No, I don’t want to go. I can’t go. Rationality urges me to do my make-up and try on clothes while anxiety grips my heart so tightly that I’m dripping with angst. By the time Ryan arrives, I’m paralyzed into doing everything I can not to burst into tears.
I distinctly remember my first such outburst in a sixth-grade hallway. After an elementary school of calm, I peeled back the doors on middle school to discover inequalities, insecurities and the bulging wart of worry – a reoccurring blemish in my otherwise untarnished path towards happiness.
Taken together, panic, social anxiety, phobia, obsessive-compulsive, post-traumatic stress and generalized anxiety disorder, make anxiety the most common mental illness in America, affecting an estimated 40 million adults, reports the Times. That’s not even counting the garden-variety worriers like mothers who fret when their daughter doesn’t call, or husbands that believe a phone call in the middle of the night signals a terrible occurrence.
My coping mechanism is to nest as methodically as anxiety chews. Withdrawing further perpetuates the vicious cycle of shrinking into comfort, into habits, into a place that is safe and away from criticism or mistakes or hurt or anger. I crave the days that are built around everything going according to plan.
Research shows that I’m good for the human race. Without those who are hyperviligant, we wouldn’t be able to leap into action so quickly. High-reactive kids are “less likely to experiment with drugs, to get pregnant or to drive recklessly.”
The Times also reports we’re “generally conscientious and almost obsessively well-prepared. Worriers are likely to be the most thorough workers and the most attentive friends. Someone who worries about being late will plan to get to places early. Someone anxious about giving a public lecture will work harder to prepare for it. Test-taking anxiety can lead to better studying; fear of traveling can lead to careful mapping of transit routes.”
But for me, the mental anguish of wearing myself ragged “with a brain that’s always on high alert” is suffocating. I long to be laidback. To be the kind of person who doesn’t wring their hands under the table. The kind of person who “gives up any notion of being guarded or protected” in order to be intimately known. A person that can arrive effortlessly to a concert.
29 replies on “Understanding the Anxious Mind”
Thanks for writing this – for being so open and personal.
On the one hand, anxiety leads to action – especially preparation – as you mention near the end. Or, it can paralyze us and we skip the concert.
Here’s to hoping we all can be anxious for the right things. The trick is to know which things are worth worrying over, and that only comes with self-discovery, which can be a very anxious process in itself.
For me, I ask, “Is this worth it?” (I’ve spent a few years defining the word ‘worth.’) If the answer is a resounding “yes,” then I keep worrying and make sure to work my ass off. If the answer is a ‘no,’ I smile and grab a drink.
@ Sam – That’s so true that worry can be healthy a lot of times. For me, these past couple months I’ve so been trying to protect myself from all the possible worries that it’s become an intense process. Whereas instead, I need to just realize that life will happen and it will all be okay. Thanks for the reminder : )
Rebecca- I read and completely related to that article when I came out a couple of weeks ago. I was relieved when I got to the part about how the world needs people like us. :-)
Recently someone said something to me, like, that the reason that I think my life is ordinary is because my constant worry makes it impossible for anything outside of the ordinary to happen to me.
Isn’t that sad? I would hate to think that in this instance, I’m holding myself back from living the life I crave.
What do you do to overcome, without withdrawing and letting yourself become paralyzed by fear?
I’m right there with you. I routinely find myself watching a film on Friday nights instead of “doing something random.” It’s just easier, more work gets done that way when I’m not hungover, etc.
I’m convinced I always made such good grades in part b/c of anxiety and fear of making a bad grade (and ridiculous competitiveness.) I was that kid that re-read every answer 4 times just b/c there was more time left instead of turning it and enjoying the 30 minutes I had left.
BUT, and it’s a big BUT (not a big BUTT), I’ve usually always have a good time when I just act spontaneously. I’ve tried to take the approach of, “Will it potentially make a good story?” If it does I TRY to be down.
Thanks for sharing Rebecca!
Great post, Rebecca. I identify with your anxiety to the nth degree. I too, long *tremendously* to be laidback – I just can’t seem to get there.
I was an anxious kid and I’ve turned into a paralyzingly anxious adult. It seems to get worse as I get older – my need for control is staggering sometimes.
If you find the answer, let me know.
@ Monica – That’s funny, I was thinking about you as I wrote this for some reason. Somehow, I knew you would understand! I’m pretty sure your life is not ordinary. Although I worry about the same thing, I’m assured my family and friends that my life isn’t ordinary either. But the worry that it is? Annoying.
What do I do to overcome anxiety? I wrote this for one. Being honest helps me. I also listen when Ryan says things are going to be fun or that things will work out. I’ve also found that my anxiety is the worst when I’m doing something for the first time. If I’ve already done something, I am much less apt to worry. Which is good incentive to try a lot : )
@ Ryan S – Haha, you crack me up. I agree that acting spontaneously often reaps large rewards if you can push yourself to do so. As I stated to Monica, trying new things is actually a good incentive for me to avoid future anxiety.
@ Sarah – I’ve noticed that my anxiety has increased a lot more over the past year. I think it’s because I have a lot of things in my life that matter to me, so I try to focus on that in lieu of focusing on how I might lose those things. Hope that helps!
I can’t really relate, Rebecca, but I know my wife can. I’m one of those laid back people I suppose. Sure I get anxious about some things, but I generally don’t worry much, especially when my wife does enough for us both :)
I can’t say there’s a secret to it, I just don’t do it. Which is infuriating to people that struggle with it, I know. Sure anxiety can lead to better preparation, but so can…being prepared. I’ve never heard of anyone that has improved or significantly changed a situation because they spent a great deal of time worrying about it. That doesn’t mean I don’t worry about things, sometimes irrationally (I’m fairly introverted despite the fact that I always seem to work at extrovert jobs), but I try to remember that when I start, and it usually goes away.
I just really hate the feeling that anxiety brings (as a reporter I have constant deadlines, which can mean constant anxiety if I don’t watch it), so I don’t let it happen, if that makes sense. I’d rather push it aside and deal with a situation than to have that soul-crushing feeling weigh on me for hours. I make lists, I push forward, keep my mind busy, and get stuff done. Thanks for sharing Rebecca!
I now understand myself a little better. Thank you for that. I’m the least spontaneous person I know because of my anxiety and worry. I cannot cope with anything in my life that is out of my control. I’m in a horrible situation right now with 3 mortgages because of the economy. It’s been going on a year and a half already and every day is purgatory. I’m locked in a cell without air waiting for my life to begin again. I’m an exposed nerve. Still, I have to keep repeating, :”a hundred years from now this won’t matter”. It’ s my perspective. Also, intellectually I understand that worry is wasted energy; it can’t help, and it’s a waste of what could be a good time. Though without hours and hours of planning, a good time will never, ever happen. Am I right?
It doesn’t happen to me all the time, but I’ve definitely experienced the same thing before going out somewhere, whether planned or unplanned. But if it’s been planned for a while and that panic sets in, I know it’s because I really don’t want to go there. Not for any particular reason; I just don’t. I’d rather be at home, or doing something else, but originally I felt obligated to say I would go for whatever reason.
I’m also a huge “What If” person. When something even slightly bad happens to me or around me, I can see the “What If”s tumbling out of my mind and rolling out toward the horizon. I can turn something small into the worst situation ever.
That being said, oddly enough, I’m pretty good at dealing with big things. The anxiety hasn’t gotten in the way of most of my personal success, except maybe some of my friendships and my last relationship (which seemed doomed to fail anyway). The anxiety has not really extended into my school or work life.
It mostly has to do with money and socialization. Admittedly, I struggle with both.
@ Austin – Yes, I do envy you! My experience is that men seem to be less anxious, but I wonder if that’s true beyond observation. I’m glad there are people like you out there however since it balances people like me out! It sounds like you have good control over your emotions and tasks… hopefully that will continue : )
@ Linda – Yes, always right! : ) Sometimes worry can’t be helped and it does indeed help us move forward. You have to allow yourself to breathe though. And maybe a better mantra isn’t that it won’t matter in a hundred years, but even right now, you have to live your life.
@ Cassandra – Interesting perspective. I often wonder if me not wanting to do something as you aptly explained is the result of withdrawing however. That’s why I always try to force myself to do things even if I don’t want to – that, and you have to compromise in a relationship, or for work, or for your family, etc. : ) And I’m with you that it isn’t the big things, but more the smaller day-to-day things… and money, ha. Would love to see a study on those items…
Rebecca- Somehow the fact that you wrote a post about being anxious and thought of me makes me smile.
From now on, when I find great articles that inspire me to write a blog, I’m forwarding them to you :-) I’ve been trying to write about anxiety for a while, but never had the nerve to push “publish”.
About a year ago my therapist said something that I have to repeat to myself all the time. Once I was tripping about some “what if” and she said, “You’ll be aright. Unless you get hit by a bus. Aside from getting hit by a bus, you’ll survive. And you’ll move on.
Surprisingly, the image of “Moving On” from anything short of getting hit by a bus helps me to do more and take more risks than I normally would.
Hey Rebecca, I absolutely share your feelings of being overwhelmed by some of the things in life that have so many variables to consider. I remember planning my wedding; it was such a painful process because of all the pressure to make everything just right for the guests and my family, and all the many options to choose from when deciding upon the details. As an engaged woman, you are probably going through these same stresses, in addition to starting a career and running a blog!
All I can say is, try to keep your eyes on the prize and try to make time for yourself to explore and experiment in a non-threatening context. Maybe make a habit of doing something unusual or new, that you WANT to do, every week or so–and bring Ryan along if that will make it more fun! If you can experience and master challenges and novelty in a non-threatening, low-pressure environment that you yourself create, then this may help you build up additional confidence to face the challenges and novelty that you DON’T control with extra calm and grace. :)
So fun to have an insightful, normal-girl, high-expectations-Gen-Y blogger like you around. You remind me of the girls I went to high school with. Def. keep it up!
I have the same reaction when my boyfriend asks me to do things last minute.
Great post.
Rebecca,
Thanks for having the courage to share this – I’ve developed anxiety as an adult, and although it’s not as severe as yours, it can be devastating physically as well (heart palpitations, IBS, headaches, dizziness – the way it manifests itself in me).
Have you ever tried yoga? I think you would LOVE it. It has really saved me through some difficult times. Yoga teaches you to breath, I think something that helps when you are having an anxiety/panic attack. And when you are in yoga you can learn to calm your body, mind, and soul. I would highly recommend it for your sanity, it helps calm the anxious mind and does other wonders for your body. Also looking in the mirror and saying to yourself “I am not going crazy and I’m not going to die” it sounds nuts, but sometimes just looking yourself in the eye and saying it helps. Love your writing!
Rebecca — I love how we’re starting to see more discussion on anxiety — something I’ve always been candid about on my own blog. In fact, I started writing a (very lengthy) reply but decided to make it its own blog post — so thanks for that inspiration. I think that there’s life anxiety — stressors that we can deal with — and then there’s anxiety on a completely different level, and maybe the two are becoming blurred so that more and more we’re reaching that higher level of anxiety, so overwhelemed with a need to catch up, keep up, go out. I read a report (and which I could find it now to link to it) where our generation and those coming in are seeing an increase in anxiety levels. Makes you wonder how much is inherent and how much is society-driven.
It might be good for being hypervigilant and able to react quickly, and that research is interesting, but it could also have that negative effect wherein you freeze. Fight or flight — one or the other. Either way, that extreme that anxiety brings can take its toll.
I love this blog post, Rebecca…Thanks so much for opening up and sharing and bringing about this discussion. Wishing you the very best.
[…] from Modite wrote a remarkable post today on her blog called “Understanding the Anxious Mind.” I began to write a response, but felt I had so much to say that I turned it into a blog […]
Well written Rebecca, this is really insightful. Do you feel like you’re on your way to being less anxious all the time? Or do you feel you still have a long, uphill road to climb?
I respect the hell out of your honesty here, and can relate more than you know.
Rebecca: I love this, and I know exactly how you feel. Anxiety and panic are things that I have dealt with for a long time. I over analyze and worry about every little thing, although I’m trying to get better about it. This post reminds me about a section of Eat, Pray, Love that really spoke to me. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how certain people are blessed with quiet minds, like the father of her friend the dairy farmer, and others, like Elizabeth and the farmer, are not so blessed. You and I are like Elizabeth and the farmer. But, as exhausting as it is to have such an active mind, there are ways to make it quieter. I believe talking and writing about what’s going on in our heads is very therapeutic. So, major props to you for writing so candidly here, and if you ever want to talk, just let me know.
[…] there and enjoy it. And that can be fraught with anxiety, much like the type that Gen Y blogger, Rebecca Thorman describes over at Modite. Just like her, i find myself ‘nesting’ my way out of anxiety, […]
Out of a long list of blogs on a website I came to yours with only a strong urge to visit. Lo and behold “Understanding the Anxious Mind”
and one of the clearest insights I’ve ever gotten of anxiety awaited me.
I look at anxious people, my wife one, who are very accomplished yet exhibit such strong anxiety – breakdowns, shortness of breath, panic attacks, etc. My perspective was that of seeing anxiety as a “full and busy mind”, out of control with the obvious symptoms.
Yet when there was mention of an “easy going mind” I was suddenly struck hard – VERY HARD.
I have always been laid back, easy going. What I’ve realized, having tried to understand this anxiety thing for myself, is that severe anxiety that shows with the obvious panic attacks, etc can also show as paralysis, through nesting, habitual “living” – all participated in with an easy going mind. I’ve barley worked in 2 years yet have looked at panic attacks, etc. as sad and unfortunate symptoms of preventing one with anxiety to live, even though these people (yourself, my wife) are still quite accomplished individuals! They still are able to do!
Something I have not quite been able to do as much as I crave, while being “laid back” – at least that is what shows – and a reasonably quite mind.
Thanks all so much for the insight. I will be back here.
Thank you for writing this! It’s comforting to know I’m not alone since I too tend to be quite obsessive in over analyzing the little details and sometimes I get so caught up in worrying, that I panic more often than I should. It’s nice to take a more laid back approach but it’s harder to I noticed when it comes to making realistic decisions especially ones that can have an effect on your future and life’s goals. Then again maybe it is about taking it one step at a time, that way we worry less?
[…] the bill is something I’ve debated at length with Ryan – not the act of paying it, but how to do it. For instance when I first started dating him, I never […]
[…] Without knowing what’s going to happen. Embracing the possibility of the worst. And the anticipation of the best. […]
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You simply have to let go of whatever anxiety, thoughts, what-ifs and possibilities are clouding your mind from making the decision. Maybe a simpler way of approaching the situation is “what’s the worst that could happen,” and go for it.
Another suggestion is praticing being in the present. Instead of over analyzing the decision focus on what’s really important at that very moment. You could tell yourself “yes, I’ll go,” and then move on. Make the decision and then stop thinking. When we spend so much time analyzing or thinking about all the things we need to do for that thing to happen, it heightens our anxiety and shuts down our ability to be calm. Practicing living in the present frees us and most of the time eliminates all the “what ifs.”
Hi Rebecca,
I’m a new fan of your blog. I’ve been going back to read older posts and have stumbled upon so many in which I think to myself “oh my god, that’s exactly how I feel/think too!” So first off, kudos to you for having such great content.
Second, I suffer from the same anxiety issues. I’ve dealt with them my whole life. I can date mine back to the first day of third grade when I almost didn’t go to school because I was fearful of a new teacher, classroom, friends, etc. Today the anxiety is similar to yours. I find it hard to make last minute decisions and I’m always weighing out the “what ifs” in my head.
My recommendation to you is to keep talking about it. This blog post is a start but being open with your friends/loved ones helps because they can help you through the issues that are producing the anxiety.
[…] is entertaining, like a domino of tabloids back-to-back. And while we instinctively know that insistent self-actualization is an incredibly banal form of entertainment, it remains so vast in its infectiousness, and so […]
[…] I am looking in the mirror more often lately. Ryan says this to me, over Christmas vacation, while we sit in a high-rise condo that has a mirror on […]