In accordance with the laws of motion, anger and vengeance, I have desired for suitcases to fly satisfyingly through windows, for nasty notes to appear in an inbox or two, or three, and for glasses to break into a great many sharp pieces in response to those big mean jerks who insist on climbing up my backside and making a home.
In some cases, I have succeeded. In many more, I have deftly restrained myself.
It’s an extraordinary kind of derangement to rip into another, and to do so continually and rancorously. The derisive nature of such a person and their seeming hero quests for revenge are certainly not encouraged, although I admit to feeling such pangs myself.
To get that son-of-a-jerk who was not-so-politely requesting the appearance of my middle finger that one time. For instance.
The motivation of a big mean jerk is jealousy gone for the jugular. A normal reaction amplified in an abnormal way. Successful people get the brunt of it of course. Nobody kicks when you’re down, so you don’t see much of that. More, you see unhappy people just trying to be happy, and not having a good run at it.
I’ve been there – short glimpses of what it would be like to be a total creep – so I reply with deference to big mean jerks if at all possible.
Mostly though, I let it go.
A big mean jerk, their demons and their decisions should not be of great concern to you, and are better left to psychology. You can’t possibly know what they’ve been through. Maybe they’re just having a bad day. Or maybe, a bad life.
As such, not engaging a big mean jerk is quite a suitable course of action, one that those individuals will be grateful for at a later date. Because who wants to be like that? No one does.
If a big mean jerk continues to bully, insult or assassinate your person, or if you believe a preemptive attack is necessary, then you can utilize two powerful phrases for such endeavors: “I’m sorry,” and “I understand.” Possibly both, if it’s particularly cankerous.
We need a place to debate ideas, to say no, to be ourselves, to live, to judge a little less along the way. A simple, “I understand where you’re coming from and respect your viewpoint,” goes a long way.
Then, keep going. Keep going on. You can only dwell so long.
26 replies on “How to Deal With Big Jerks”
Haven’t heard from you in a while in terms of blog entries. Are the jerks that you’re talking about working in the same organization? How do you typically deal with them when they happen to be on the same team and you can’t move onto different teams in the short term? Do you (or would you) employ the same strategies?
@ Stanley – No, everyone at Alice is extremely nice. I would approach whoever is bothering you and ask what’s going on, say you understand why they’re upset (and truly try to). Most people don’t like conflict in the workplace, however, so tread lightly. That’s all you can do. If it’s really bad, you could approach your manager, or make plans to find a job where you’re not so unhappy.
Hi Rebecca. It’s been a while since I last posted a comment on your blog.
My way of dealing with big mean jerks is to forgive and forget as everyone of us has a different learning curve in our lives. And I think your approach is most appropriate and is looking at things from a big picture, rather than being bothered by such small little things.
I really like the phrase you use “Maybe they’re just having a bad day. Or maybe, a bad life.” So true! I really try to remind myself that sometimes you bear the brunt of a bad mood that probably should be reserved for someone (or something) else. Just keep on smiling, apologize or smile and nod when applicable, and be glad that your life (and attitude) is great enough that you don’t feel the need to bring others down : )
@ Charles – Thanks for the comment. I love that phrase, “a different learning curve in our lives.” That’s well-said and definitely speaks to the differences among us that we can’t possibly know. Best to keep moving.
@ Ashley – Yes, that’s a great reminder. People oftentimes don’t take it out on who they’re actually frustrated with, but rather the person that is most convenient at the time. Showing a little gratitude and grace is always a good way to deal. Thanks for sharing!
I’m reminded of Maya Angelou’s wisdom ” If someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Big mean jerks are just that and yes, they probably have a comparatively bad life and are riddled with jealousy for those who seem to have a better life. I always give everyone a second chance, but if the outcome is the same, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,” I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve also learned that excluding jerks from your life makes your life better. Don’t let the @sses get you down. Know you are better than that, and know that they can only bring you down if you let them. Rise above it. They can’t. They are flawed.
This is no offense to you Rebecca, because this is a good post. There have been a lot of them like this lately, though, and what I noticed is that all they seem to do is give everyone a reason to talk about how they deal with jerks rather than thinking about how they *are* jerks. And therein lies the problem – because the jerks need to actually look within and change and the victims need to stop victimizing themselves, because they are have probably been jerks too.
@ Linda – I like the reminder to give everyone a second chance. I’m pretty forgiving, or maybe I just don’t like drawn-out conflict, but I’ve often found that when you work it out with someone, you’re relationship, professional or otherwise, is stronger.
@ Monica – That’s a strange comment. I’ve been seeing a lot of similar posts as well – I linked to many in mine – and I think it’s good that so many are speaking out. I’m also pretty sure I said multiple times in my post that I’ve been there. We all have. You too. That’s what makes it easier to deal and learn from in my opinion.
“A simple, “I understand where you’re coming from and respect your viewpoint,” goes a long way.”
“Then, keep going. Keep going on. You can only dwell so long.”
Wise words, my friend. Dwelling in my opinion, basically, does nothing.
@ Grace – Totally. You don’t want to get all sticky with bad vibes. Best to keep moving on! Thanks for the encouragement : )
I think big mean jerks are kind of like big mean dogs. If a dog comes up to you growling and snarling, and it gets a rise out of you, it will just be fueled by your fear and get even nastier. As such, if a big mean jerk fires you up and you become a big mean jerk as well, then they’ve gotten what they wanted. If we give either one a calm, rational response, they will slump away defeated.
Okay, that analogy was a little far fetched. So, in English, I really like this post.I think we have a similar approach to big mean jerks and negativity. Neither is worth our time and energy. You make a really important point about these jerks. We don’t know why they act the way they do, and we may never know. So, we shouldn’t try to figure it out. At the same time, we have to respect that they may have some inner demons or past issues that affect their behavior. Respect is key, and we have to remember that it’s possibly to respectfully agree to disagree.
I’m so glad you shared your insight on this topic. There have been a lot of related posts recently (thanks for linking to mine) but I agree with your response to Monica, it’s definitely something that needs to be discussed!
@Rebecca: Thanks for your suggestions. I guess I just haven’t been sensitive enough to ask what has been upsetting that certain person. By the way, you seem fairly social to me. I have posted a blog entry about how I haven’t been able to approach tourists with ease on the streets of Downtown Vancouver during the Winter Olympics. Your thoughts on them (feel free to post your comments there if you feel like it)?
@ Sam – Ha, I like the analogy! I love respectfully disagreeing, it’s one of my mottos in life. And I learn more from people who disagree with me, so I always like that. It’s so much more satisfying than getting into it with someone. Thanks for sharing, appreciate it : )
@ Stanley – Cool, good luck!
Yeah, I wasn’t saying I haven’t been a jerk before. Or that you (Rebecca) and everyone else who wrote posts like this this week *have* been jerks, though reading back through it I see how it seems like that.
What I was saying is that the people these posts are directed to will probably not know that they are directed towards them. They will never read this and think “I’m the jerk,” they will read and think “I’m the victim.” It’s human nature.
So nothing changes. Though maybe the point isn’t to evoke change, maybe it is just to vent publicly or passive aggressively.
My second point is that if someone is screaming “Stop having drama!”- doesn’t a comment like that only contribute to the drama? Because everyone is wondering who they are talking about, and they are definitely talking about someone.
If someone is serious that drama is not worth their time, why add to the drama by calling it out? Isn’t the better option to truly ignore it? It seems like people who have to say they are above drama are merely aspirational.
BTW, these are philosophical questions, not directed towards anyone – and not saying I haven’t done this very thing myself.
And if someone is reading this and thinking I’m the jerk for pointing this out, well, wouldn’t that be ironic…
@ Monica – The point I agree with most is that it’s annoying that most people are usually talking about one person and they’re just not saying it out loud, and then the post does become a passive aggressive rant instead of something more. And while I have written many, many posts about specific people, I usually have the good sense not to publish them. As such, I can lay to rest that this isn’t about someone specific, but rather all of the jerks I’ve encountered in say, the past three months. Ha.
As for whether we should say something or not, I do believe there is a fine line. But where it’s safe to cross over is undoubtedly different for each one of us. And so, if one feels the need to speak out – on whatever the topic – I think they should. It’s rare that anything happens because of non-action. Although that would be an interesting movement… ; )
I just have to say you are spot on with this, this is like what went through my mind today, thanks for this.
Wow. Love this post, you nailed it right on the head. I guess I’m just a huge advocate for taking the high road. I’m not saying that it’s never appropriate to call someone out, however, there are tactful and effective ways to do so. Agree to disagree, and ultimately just choose not to associate with the people who are bringing you down. There’s usually no need to add fuel to the fire.
“Those who don’t believe it is possible should not interrupt those doing it.”
But they do…and I REALLY love your way of handling it with “I Understand”. Not sure if “I’m sorry” is the right response as it implies that you were at fault, when most of the time it’s not your fault anyway. Think a lot of people apologise too quickly for things they weren’t at fault for but do it just to move the conversation on quickly.
Either way, great advice.
Dream, Build, Inspire, Lead!
AJ~
Nice, feel-good post. I think the trickiest part is walking that fine line between taking the high road and standing up for yourself. Being able to let crap slide is a valuable character trait, but knowing when and how to fight back (in a civilized manner) and not get walked on is just as important. It’s often hard to tell which path to choose. Hmmm, think I’ll write about this concept….
Thanks for the idea and the good advice.
Adam
Great post, Rebecca. And yep, lots of people have been writing posts in this vein — about handling jerks, over-competitiveness, and respect. I’m one of those people who wrote about respect, and I think the real gold in your post is when you said you let it go.
That’s it, at the end of the day, right? In my post I mentioned that jerks/crappy moments are part of life. We will always run into situations that hurt, people that are unnecessarily rude, and moments where we ourselves are the rude ones. But, that’s all part of life. We help ourselves by learning how to get over it.
That’s what I took from this post — getting over it is the key. So, thanks for that. :)
@ Jake – Glad I could help : )
@ Sara – Agreed. It’s not always easy to take the high road, but when you do, you feel so much better! And I think the other person does too. Appreciate the comment!
@ AJ – I’m surprised no one brought up the issue of “I’m sorry” yet – the way I look at it is that it’s just another way of acknowledging the person’s feelings and can be used in many ways without admitting fault, like “I’m sorry we misunderstood each other,” however I don’t think it’s a big deal to “admit fault” – if we all hold on to the idea that we never do anything wrong, nothing will be solved. Thanks for the comment!
@ Adam – I totally agree. It’s such a fine line to know whether you should let something slide or say something. I usually end up saying something (it’s in my nature), but try to do so where I’m also taking the high road. That is, in a respectful manner. That’s where you have to be careful, and I think that’s where most people need improvement.
@ Teresa – So true. You’re never going to avoid the meanies out there. I work in an office environment now where everyone is extremely nice, but I still haven’t been able to fully cut out the meanies (I can’t work in a bubble, after all). But I think that’s good, because ultimately conflict is good and that’s how we learn.
It’s never acceptable, workplace bullying. This is a very good post about dark side behavior that, if not stopped, can lead to lawsuits and other nastiness.
While some big mean jerks are blatantly obvious that they’re just that, the ones who get under my skin and do the most damage are those who do a great job of covering it up. People at work who gladly provide you with (incomplete) information about a project with the apparent intention of setting you up to fail. People who leave you feeling as though you have to be constantly on edge because should you expose a chink in your armor, they’ll jump on any chance they can to exploit it.
I can handle a big mean jerk. I can say “I’m sorry” for them and their inability to interact with humanity. What I can’t handle are the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
[…] same way you’d want your sister or friend to be treated. And, if you’re going to be a big mean jerk, be gender neutral when unleashing the wrath. blog comments powered by Disqus var […]
It’s great to talk about this, as everyone experiences jerks on some level. And a little can go a long way when it comes to feeling hurt/angry/resentful. That is, something ‘small’ can be dwelled on and have a negative lasting effect when that doesn’t have to happen. It may not be the best tactic, but I’ve found that an effective ‘kill switch’ for jerks is to simply ignore them. It takes practice and can be very hard, but looking back I’m almost always glad I did.
Great post–too often people let jerks bring them down. Instead, you’re right, we should try to see their pov and then move on. Thanks for an insightful read!