The past couple weeks have been… weird. I started blogging again this Summer like I always do, with renewed energy, but also — this time seemed different. I have been intermittent writing over the years for a myriad of reasons, from keeping quiet while in certain jobs to not having an interesting life. But my blog has always been that space on the Internet and in life that was mine, a place to be fully expressed. These are my guts on a page, or screen, as it is, and I like scooping them all up to make sense of it all.
So, anyway, this time seemed different. I sensed it. Ryan sensed it. I had commitment and dedication I haven’t felt in a long time. And I still feel that way, which is why it was all the more disappointing when I didn’t write last week. Part of the deal I made to myself was to write every week, or at the very least, be in touch with you guys once a week. But last week had several things going on that a normal week does not; there was an event, extra tasks, a trip out of town, and before I knew it, I was deeply upset for not keeping this super-important-this-time-is-different-commitment-to-myself.
In the past if I missed a week posting, that would quickly devolve into such levels disappointment, I would move on to something else. This isn’t working, I would tell myself, time to do something else. This isn’t working, you aren’t cut out for this. This isn’t working, go make money like normal people. And move on I would.
I’m not taking actions based on fear right now. Truth be told, I’m rocking the commitments right now. And I want to share about that process later, but a big part of it is I ask myself, what are you going to do when shit goes wrong? And my answer is to cry, feel down, ask Why? What happened?, reassess, align. Get back in the f*cking saddle. It’s all important to recovery. But the biggest is to revel in being human. A human with control issues, yes, but mortal nonetheless.
Then we left for our weekend trip. What is it about road trips? The long, deep conversations, the gazing off far in the distance, the gas station peeks into the middle of America. The blanketing of peace, all under the open sky. You are not larger than yourself. You just are.
This tiny break opened all sorts of depths. I came up with an idea for a new personal project, a variation on something I had been working out, rolling between my two fingers, and I am excited about it. REALLY EXCITED GUYS! There’s alignment. And shit is crazy scary. There’s a precipice; I’m there on the edge, and I like it.
Told you. These couple weeks: weird. And wonderful.