Categories
Career Happiness Relationships Women

The Loosening of Ambition

I have a horrible memory, but I remember Ryan asking me to move to DC. Sitting next to each other knee to knee, looking away, biting my inner cheek while he explained why his company needed to relocate. I waited, re-forming his words in my brain while he talked, and then, he wants me to come with him, doesn’t think he can do it without me.

I remember Thank You. Relief. Finally. (And hooray big city!) Thank you for taking me away, letting me play big, taking me with you. 

The move, four years ago now, was supposed to be temporary. But it was also supposed to be permanent; you keep up a facade for the sake of transition. Uprooting it all is easier when you think you can come back. I moved to get out of the Midwest where I had lived my entire life, to do the next big thing, and to serve my ambition. Basically, I moved for me. But I also moved for love and for Ryan, more so than I knew at the time.

My job in Madison let me work remotely, which seemed like a good idea then. Who doesn’t want to work from home, especially in a place like DC? I imagined myself traipsing around the city, diving into museums, opening my laptop and leaning back, legs elongated and crossed at the ankles, surveying the people, twirling a pen between my fingers. But I didn’t do those things. And working from home sucked.

I spent most days in a dark apartment we found after viewing twelve places in twelve hours; it was the best out of a dozen, and we signed the lease to have an address for our U-Haul. After we moved in, we realized the windows faced a brick wall. The irony should have alerted me then. In Madison, I thought I was a big fish in a small pond (as much as a young twenty-something could be a big fish). In DC, I wasn’t a small fish in a big pond, it was more like I didn’t exist.

I didn’t get out and meet anyone as I was still tricking myself into thinking we might move back. There was no urgency for me to build a network as I still had my job. And I continued to hold onto the supposed heaven of working from home. Meanwhile, Ryan, whose company situation was precarious before the move (part of the “why” of relocation), was flourishing. You’re not supposed to be jealous of your partner but I was jealous. All of a sudden, everyone knew who he was and all about his company. But no one had heard of the startup I worked for. As time went on, I became increasingly isolated.

Life started to revolve around Ryan in ways I didn’t expect. He passed on speaking engagements he couldn’t or didn’t want to do. Told me about consulting opps from his network. A new job opening from someone he knew. What little career I strung together, I did under his wing. I never imagined myself as the girl who follows her boyfriend across the country, but that’s what I did. I never imagined myself defeated, not knowing what to do next, finding it difficult to get out of the house, intimidated and riddled with anxiety, but that’s what I was.

Sometimes our relationship felt like two bricks tied to my ankles, drowning me in a sea of opportunities. I kept this quiet of course; it wasn’t true, but the weight of my own responsibility was weighted even more with depression. I had the ability to create my future, my present, but chose not to day after day. I oscillated between stuffing down feelings of worthlessness to day-dreaming about starting over on my own alone.

One time I had a job opportunity in New York, something I was really excited about, and got to the final round of interviews. They said I didn’t get the job because the plan to work remotely and travel in between didn’t work. I offered to move to New York temporarily, say for three months, even six, but it didn’t work. And I couldn’t lie and say I would move there for real; we live in DC. And we live here for Ryan’s company.

After, when I told Ryan that I offered to move to New York, he was taken aback. You wouldn’t have really moved, would you? he asked. In my mind: YES. Then I shrugged. Maybe. In my mind: Maybe not.

My choice was largely unconscious over time, but I did prioritize the role of supportive girlfriend, fiancé, and now wife over ambition. And this is what women do. We have careers, we have ambitions, and then love, society, and a lack of vigilance gets in the way.

The ability to have it all, let alone do it all, rests on the supposition that we know what it “all” is, and succeeding in the idea presupposes that we have a choice in the matter, which we often don’t. A modern patriarchy leaves women subtle cues and not-so-subtle mixed messages that layer on top of each other to form a confused haze. We’re left fighting for personal clarity, for the knowledge of what one wants over expectations and transitions, for independence in the midst of love, for careers in the midst of relationships.

I am lucky to have a partner who, when I realized the tiny box I was in and of my own making, allowing myself to be pulled along by the gentle machinations of society, didn’t insist on professions of contentedness or ask, “Why aren’t you/can’t you be happy?” but rather opened up the world and said, this is for you. There is time.

But it’s hard to support your partner and take your own path. Especially when the path isn’t obvious or bumps up against invisible rules or biological clocks (shout-out to love, marriage and the baby carriage!). Unconditional love and support means the ability to fly and be rooted, to gamble and be protected. You get both freedom and security. And while ambition can be amplified in a relationship, a careful watch for its loosening and slipping, then settling, must be kept. Keep a lookout for your mind, worth just as much as his. Vow allegiance to love and independence. Guard your decisions with intention. The world needs the depths and dreams of a woman.

Categories
Networking

Forget Everything You Know About Networking

Do you cringe when you hear about networking? It has a bad rap, but networking is simply about building relationships, which is the cornerstone of both life and every success. Over at US News, I talk about five networking myths that hold you back, and how to start using networking to your advantage. Read it here.

Update: this post was also picked up by Business Insider here.

Categories
Accountability Creativity Knowing yourself

The past couple weeks have been weird

The past couple weeks have been… weird. I started blogging again this Summer like I always do, with renewed energy, but also — this time seemed different. I have been intermittent writing over the years for a myriad of reasons, from keeping quiet while in certain jobs to not having an interesting life. But my blog has always been that space on the Internet and in life that was mine, a place to be fully expressed. These are my guts on a page, or screen, as it is, and I like scooping them all up to make sense of it all.

So, anyway, this time seemed different. I sensed it. Ryan sensed it. I had commitment and dedication I haven’t felt in a long time. And I still feel that way, which is why it was all the more disappointing when I didn’t write last week. Part of the deal I made to myself was to write every week, or at the very least, be in touch with you guys once a week. But last week had several things going on that a normal week does not; there was an event, extra tasks, a trip out of town, and before I knew it, I was deeply upset for not keeping this super-important-this-time-is-different-commitment-to-myself.

In the past if I missed a week posting, that would quickly devolve into such levels disappointment, I would move on to something else. This isn’t working, I would tell myself, time to do something else. This isn’t working, you aren’t cut out for this. This isn’t working, go make money like normal people. And move on I would.

But.

I’m not taking actions based on fear right now. Truth be told, I’m rocking the commitments right now. And I want to share about that process later, but a big part of it is I ask myself, what are you going to do when shit goes wrong? And my answer is to cry, feel down, ask Why? What happened?, reassess, align. Get back in the f*cking saddle. It’s all important to recovery. But the biggest is to revel in being human. A human with control issues, yes, but mortal nonetheless.

Then we left for our weekend trip. What is it about road trips? The long, deep conversations, the gazing off far in the distance, the gas station peeks into the middle of America. The blanketing of peace, all under the open sky. You are not larger than yourself. You just are.

This tiny break opened all sorts of depths. I came up with an idea for a new personal project, a variation on something I had been working out, rolling between my two fingers, and I am excited about it. REALLY EXCITED GUYS! There’s alignment. And shit is crazy scary. There’s a precipice; I’m there on the edge, and I like it.

Told you. These couple weeks: weird. And wonderful.

Categories
Uncategorized

3 Techniques to Make Your Difficult Boss Love You

When working with a difficult boss, it can seem like nothing is in your control and you don’t have the power to affect positive change in your working relationship. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Today on US News, I share three techniques to be proactive and make your boss love you. Read it here.

Update: this post was also picked up by Business Insider here! 

Categories
Business Earn More Entrepreneurship Find a side job Finding a job Love What You Do Side Jobs

Here’s Your Plan to Turn Your Passion Into Your Career

Doing my dream job part time, still working full-time with full dread! How long did it take your confidence to make the jump? Should I set a time/deadline for myself?

How do you get money to come to you? To do what you want to do because you love it and not for the money.

So if someone said to you that they love to write and have always thought they were going to be a writer but found themselves always working in the Defense Industry, what would you say to them…  especially if you saw their written work and writing potential …?

A lot of people want to turn what they love to do into what they get paid to do. It was a common question in last week’s AMA, and I often get emails from folks looking to quit their job. Usually they’re asking permission, but sorry, not-sorry, that’s not how I roll.

Test Your Mindset

Since it comes up so often, I want to be very clear about my philosophy on dream jobs:

You probably can’t make money doing what you love. Writing, for example, is a good example. And I say this not because you’re not a tremendous, dedicated and talented writer, but because you’re not a good marketer. And to make money, you have to be good at sales. Most people who are good at writing aren’t that great at sales, or simply don’t put in the time and effort to sell. But making money on what you love requires you to sell what you love. Do you think you can do that? Here’s how to check. Finish these sentences:

“Sales makes me feel…”

“Business makes me feel…”

“Marketing myself makes me feel…”

If you answered anything but “excited,” “creative,” “energized,” or “awesome,” to those three statements, you can’t sell what you love. Not yet anyway. It will require a major mindset shift, and a good dose of coaching and knowledge.

You can use your full-time job to support your passion. We put a lot of weight onto our passions to support everything in our lives. We want what we love to do to give meaning and purpose to our days, and add money to our bank accounts. But it doesn’t need to be that way. We don’t have to do what we love for money. We can make money in a different job to support what we love. There’s a tremendous freedom in that, actually.

Try a mental mindset shift where you think of a full-time or part-time job as the catalyst and support for your dream work. Instead of thinking of it as something you have to do and dread, think of it as this great thing that allows you and pays you to do what you love. Because a regular paycheck isn’t anything to sneeze at!

When you’re able to align money as something that enables you instead of prohibits you from doing what you love, I guarantee you’ll be in the position to make a lot more of it.

The Plan

If you can make both mindset shifts above, you pass Go, and can proceed with the following plan to turn your passion into your career:

1. Make some money. If you can’t make money now, you probably won’t be able to make money later. You already know how to do what you love, but do you know how to make money? Get a raise. Get a side job. Build a side hustle. Rent out your extra room on Airbnb. Sell your old stuff. However you choose to earn more money, make a lot of it and store it away like a squirrel would store acorns before the worst Winter of his entire life.

Shoot for a six to twelve month emergency fund, and max out all your retirement accounts too. With a full-time job and extra income coming in every month from just one of the activities listed above, this will go much faster than you think. Depending on your hustle, you could be good-to-go in three to four months. 

2. Make some more money. Now that you’ve made enough money to support yourself for awhile, should you quit your job? HELL NO. Now you start making money with the-thing-you-love-to-do. If you think you can’t start your passion on the side, please stop reading right now. I hate you. For the rest of you, now is your chance to use all the sales and marketing lessons you learned in step one and apply it to building your passion business.

The goal is to make enough to cover your expenses when you quit, so that you don’t have to dip into your emergency fund at all. I also like to make enough to continue saving a bit too. Just depends on your risk tolerance. This is made much easier if you have a partner or spouse and their income can help support you both.

3. Reassess your goals and dreams. If you’ve gotten to this point, f*ckin’ amazing work. I’m beyond proud of you and I don’t even know you. But now I want you to look around and assess what a suh-weeet situation you’ve got. Because I always advocate for folks to have multiple burners running hot. Why? Because it’s when you have the most control. You don’t have to take shitty clients because you don’t need the money. You don’t have to stress out about your maniacal narcissist of a boss because you don’t need the money.

Anytime you don’t need the money, you’re in a better negotiating position for your life, your goals, and your dreams. It may be more work, but it’s less stress. And it leads to the greatest financial security. Which is what keeps most of us from pursuing our dreams in the first place.

4. Leverage your network. Before you replace your dread-job with your dream-job, reach out to your existing network and ask them if they are looking for the services you provide, have contacts that might be useful, and any other ways you need help. Be specific about what you’re looking for. When I took my consulting business full-time a few years ago, I was able to replace my full-time salary within one day of sending emails out. That’s the power of weak ties. I didn’t email a bunch of my best friends. I emailed folks I had met a few times and kept in decent touch with.

I’m not trying to be a debbie-downer here, but I want you to be realistic about what it takes to succeed since so many people are not. Most emails I get from people are from folks who love to dream. And if that’s your jam, dream on.

But if you really want that-thing-you-love to make you money, go through this plan step-by-step. I’ve seen people skip a step here and there, but only because they have super advanced mental capacities. I know that seems weird, but most of us aren’t ready to do what we love. We’re just ready to quit doing what we hate. If you change your mindset and follow this plan, you can do both.

Categories
Uncategorized

Ask Me Anything

Last week I was inspired by Jess Lively, who opened her inbox to readers and runs my new favorite podcast, so I thought it would be fun and useful to do something similar – welcome to Ask Me Anything (AMA) day!

This is your chance to email me directly and ask any sort of question you might have.

Ask Me Anything Guidelines

1. Ask your question before tomorrow (Fri, 9/5) at 9:00 am ET.
2. Use the subject line “ASK ME ANYTHING” or “AMA.”
3. Ask your question in three sentences (or less) and I will respond back to you in three sentences (or less).

If you follow these three guidelines, I promise to get back to you with my response as soon as possible (probably within 24 hours, depending on the number of people who email).

You can ask me about careers, money, happiness, relationships, life, business – anything! 

And in return, I’ll do my best to give you my very best advice – within the three sentence framework – which may include links to ideas, books or resources that might be useful for you.

My email is rebecca(at)kontrary(dot)com and I look forward to answering your questions.

If you think I can serve you in some way, please reach out!

And remember, please follow the guidelines by sending the email before 9:00 am ET tomorrow morning and by stating your question in three sentences or less. 

Categories
Knowing yourself Personal branding Relationships Self-management Women

What’s In a Name? Feminism After Marriage

I did not take the decision lightly to take my husband’s name. Many people were surprised (because here, here, here, here and here). But I have always known I would change my name, painful as it was to drop my maiden name Thorman, and its matriarchal lineage.

In my family, the women are the strong ones, and my mother is very strong. Thorman was my mother’s maiden name, which she came back to after divorcing her first husband, and she never married my father, who later died too early. I was first and foremost always my mother’s daughter and always had the name Thorman.

I didn’t always like it, of course. What I had learned to say in the most least offensive manner on my tongue would come out the opposite of sonorous from others. No, it’s not THUR-man. And I would always cringe when -MAN was emphasized. Or THOR-. Or anything that wasn’t a quick passing of two syllables on a person’s lips.

But who likes their name when they’re young anyway? Even my first name became Becca or Becka or Bex and I tried to see if I could be Samantha too. Ah, the eighties. When every young girl wanted to be the beautiful and elegant Samantha, and the fun and friendly Sam for short. Even back then we tried to have it all.

As I grew older, my name meant more to me. Thorman came to represent my mother, and our shared history together.  To lose Thorman wasn’t to just shed a name I grew up with, but a name that stood for strength and unconditional love. Many women keep their maiden name for similar familial meaning. Names are part of our identity, however you cut it.

So I could have kept Thorman and taken “a stand against the family’s historical swallowing up of women’s identity.” Or I could have hyphenated. I could have become Thorman-Healy, or even dropped my middle name and moved Thorman up to make room for Healy at the end. The number of naming conventions is many, if not impractical and confusing.

Rebecca Tuhus-Dubrow argues in the New York Times that “the inconveniences [of a hyphenated name] — blank stares, egregious misspellings — are outweighed by the blessing of never having to worry about a Google doppelgänger…. [but] the problem, of course, is that this naming practice is unsustainable.” Growing up, Tuhus-Dubrow constantly fielded the questions, “What will you do if you marry someone else with two last names? Will your kids have four names?”

On Slate’s podcast Mom & Dad Are Fighting (yes, I listen to a parenting podcast; no, we don’t have kids yet), Dan Kois and guest host Hanna Rosin talk about their kid’s last names. Rosin decided to use the combined surname Rosin Plotz for her kids, a non-hyphenated homage to both her and her husband’s name (“Now you can ask me if I regret that decision,” she says. “Yeah! Who wants to be named Rosin Plotz?”), while Kois argues that hyphenated names “feel like a generational Jenga, like somewhere six generations down the line it’s all going to collapse as everything gets piled on top of itself.” Still, he expresses regret that he and his wife decided not to hyphenate their kid’s names at all. “I think that would have been cool,” he says.

And honestly, what’s cool and sounds good often wins out. The path of least resistance is often the most practical, because no one wants to get stuck with the ugly name or a surname seventeen letters long.  

My own decision was a little of that, and a lot about family. I wanted to be known as “The Healys,” I wanted to write “The Healys” on envelopes and I wanted to be secure that our future kids would always know we are “The Healy Family.” I changed my name to create our family identity.

It isn’t about joining Ryan’s family or discarding mine; it’s about creating our own. Some feel the best way to do that is to combine or hyphenate names, to keep their maiden name, to take the woman’s name, or to create an amalgam, while I felt the best way to do it was to take Ryan’s name. There are parts of me that feels pangs for the Thorman name. A name change is never as simple as a few different letters; identity runs deep. And what Thorman represents is still there.

Like I can’t help but cringe when mail arrives addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Healy” or “Mrs. Ryan Healy.” I do remain my own person, and I would much prefer to be addressed as “Mr. and Mrs. Healy,” or “The Healys,” or “Ryan & Rebecca Healy,” and certainly “Rebecca Healy” if you’re referring to just me. But I am happy we are a unit.

Together, we’ll create belonging and meaning and tradition. You can create that with all sorts of manners of names, but our identity will be under just one. After two hours at the Social Security office, a twenty-four hour hold, another two hours at the DMV, and fifteen days later, it became official.

I’m still Rebecca, and now we’re The Healys.

Did you decide to keep, hyphenate or drop your surname? How did you and your partner decide? What will you or did you name your kids?

Categories
Happiness Knowing yourself Love What You Do Productivity Self-management Time management

Don’t Trust Your To-Do List
(It’s Crap)

You have the option to listen to this post:

[audio:https://kontrary.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/DontTrustYourToDoList.mp3|titles=Don’t Trust Your To-Do List. It’s Crap]

One of my productivity secrets is obsessive singular focus. Give me a task, and I’ll put my head down and get ‘er done. Ryan likes to joke that the last time we moved, he left for work from one apartment, came home to a different one, and the location was the only thing different. I’m that good.

Once there is a goal in front of me, I throw everything at said goal to achieve it. That time we planned our wedding? Most big rocks were complete in 24 hours. Site redesign? Give me a weekend. Total career change? I need a month, max.

One after another, I devote my energies to each goal like a monogamous relationship. And for awhile, it works. Until it doesn’t. This magical productivity train (choo! choo!) stops when obsessive singular focus requires you to ignore everything else that’s important. And because you lose sight, you get overwhelmed. The productivity train slows, then stops.

Last Friday, the train didn’t slow or stop, it derailed. I had been working on merging our financial accounts for about a week. What shouldn’t have been too arduous a process was made more difficult by multiple attempts (like, a thousand calls) to verify my identity with our new bank. I finally got the accounts open Friday afternoon and Ryan said he would change his bills to our new joint accounts on Sunday.

Ahem.

SUNDAY? TWO DAYS AWAY?

Not only had I spent many logistical hours getting our accounts in place, but I had spent many more hours creating new budgets for our joint finances, and most importantly, I was READY. TO. BE. DONE. To cross this task, its sub-tasks, the whole freakin’ thing, off my list.

When Ryan went to pick us up dinner, I called my mom. “Can you believe it? He wants to do it on Sunday!”

“Well, it doesn’t all have to be done right now, does it?” she said.

My mom, ever-the-mediator. I took a breath.

No, it didn’t have to be done then and there. Not at all. In fact, there would be no dire consequences if Ryan changed the accounts on Sunday instead of Friday.

I took another breath. And really, if I had permission to not do things right away, just because it was on my list, maybe I could enjoy our Friday night, and Saturday, and Saturday night.

One more breath. Yes, of course, Sunday was fine.

We live in an achievement-oriented culture, where we add things to our to-do list, even when they’re already done, just to cross it off. The art of getting things done is more important than what we’re doing. Compile the weekly report. Done. Grocery shopping. Done. Write. Done. Exercise. Done. Meditate. Four out of five ain’t bad. But just because we measure by the numbers doesn’t mean we’re complete.

Climbing can be exhausting and I’ve tried to opt out. Not out of hard work, mind you. We glibly talk about first-world problems, but when your food and shelter needs are met, and you get down to the horrifying work of being a decent human being, sitting with your mind day-in and day-out, there are no easy problems. When you’ve stripped the titles and money and accolades, it can be more than difficult to just “be you.”

Not convinced? Witness the existential crises the most privileged among us face: the have-it-all graduates of the Ivy League. In a bracing essay for The New Republic, former Yale Professor and author William Deresiewicz argues “our system of elite education manufactures young people who are smart and talented and driven, yes, but also anxious, timid, and lost, with little intellectual curiosity and a stunted sense of purpose: trapped in a bubble of privilege, heading meekly in the same direction, great at what they’re doing but with no idea why they’re doing it.”

So we fill our time. With weekly reports. Daily lists. Merging financial accounts. We make things that don’t need to be priorities super important. So we feel important. So that we have meaning. So that we feel we’re on this Earth for some sort of reason.

Me too. I’m super competitive, despite never getting above fifth place on track or speech team in high school (FLUKES, I tell you). I’m good at what I do. I was groomed for the new American Dream where your email open rate counts for more than the type of car in your driveway. I love seeing numbers going up-and-to-the-right whether it’s revenue or minutes per run. Tracking. Self-quantification. Besting my personal best.

And me too. I’m hard on myself. Way too hard. It’s okay not to do it all. It’s okay not to have it all. I have to remind myself.

Obsessive singular focus is a magic potion. But it can be poison. It depends on the task at hand. But here’s a tip: Don’t trust your to-do list. It’s crap.

—

If you want to work on what matters, new spots are now open for the next round of Accountability Friend, wherein you invest in whatever your heart desires, and I become your accountability friend for two weeks. Click here to take control of your time, and take responsiblity for your life.

Categories
Behind the Money Honest Accounting Relationships

How Much Does the Dang Thing Cost? An Honest Accounting of a Modern Wedding

This is Part 2 of talking about my recent marriage. Read Part 1, How to Get Married After a Long-Term Relationship, here.

Okay, let’s preface this post right upfront:

1) “Expensive” and “cheap” are relative terms. But know that we live in Washington, DC and it’s one of the wealthiest – and most expensive – places to live in the country, so that’s where our paradigm comes from.

2) We all browse the wedding blogs and Pinterest in anticipation of the big day. As we gain inspiration, our budget gains dollar signs. During my research, I found it exasperating that no one ever, ever shared price tags (um, $ vs $$$ is not helpful). I desperately wanted to see how much a wedding truly cost, so I hope this helps future brides and grooms. This isn’t meant to brag or express regret; it’s simply a report of what we spent (okay, there is some bragging, some regret).

3) No BS here. This is an honest all-in accounting of how much our wedding cost. I include the cost of the dress and decorations, all the way down to the cost of airline snacks, sales tax and last-minute wrinkle releaser. If anything, I’m meticulous and that’s what you get here.

Where Do You Start?

Copy of Portraits046

We started with the venue, believing if we could find the right venue, everything else would fall into place. We started looking in or just outside where we currently live, our Capitol city of Washington, DC. I think I researched every single freakin’ venue within a 100 mile radius (obsessive much?).

Originally I didn’t want to spend more than $5000 – $7000 (this was after Ryan talked me out of eloping with a cost of $50.) I kept thinking there must be a deal that I was just missing, a hidden gem that would be perfect, beautiful, and cheap. The recession was just a couple years ago; surely couples weren’t still spending outrageous amounts on one day?

Hahahaha, oh how naive I was.

I searched high and low for off-beat venues, from art galleries to schools to barns to wineries to Airbnb locations to office space in an old Living Social building. Trust me, all the venues with the “we’re-not-really-trying-hard-for-our-wedding” vibe have caught on and are charging just as much as the usual suspects.

The cheapest venue I found was a park pavilion with a rental fee of $50, but that was impossible to book in our time frame (who are all these people booking 2 years in advance??). And Ryan didn’t like my potluck wedding idea (boo!). The next cheapest venue was an old mill 34 minutes away for a $950 rental fee. Neither of us liked it.

We raised the budget to $10,000, but were adamant this was the max we wanted to spend. It’s not that we didn’t have the money to spend more, but rather that we preferred to spend that money on a down payment, retirement, and our marriage — not the wedding.

Most reasonable venues in and around DC were a minimum of $3000 to rent (before any food), and we resigned ourselves to spending more. Except, we didn’t like any of the new venues either. I got depressed, and we stopped looking.

How Much Does a Wedding Cost?

Copy of Portraits020_2

A wedding budget is a personal decision. That’s the politically correct thing to say anyway. But in reality, a wedding’s costs are due in large part to family, friends and social influence. Marriage is an industry. “Couples are victimized by their own fantasies, cajoled by media visions of celebrity nuptials, and pressured by friends, family, even strangers posting idyllic photos on Pinterest,” reports USA Today.

The average wedding cost is $28,427 – and most couples go over-budget (including us). I continued to be depressed and felt like I just wasn’t savvy enough to find the deals until I learned that DC area couples have a hard time planning their weddings for under $35,000.

And that’s when we started to look outside of DC.

Where Did We Save?

Before we reveal all the details of our wedding, let’s talk first about where we did not spend our money.

We did not pay for 250 guests. The primary way we kept costs down was to have a small wedding. We had 65 guests and this definitely had the most impact in keeping costs down after the choice of venues. Part of this was intentional – we didn’t invite that many people – but it was also because we essentially had a destination wedding. While it was not at a tropical beach, it was expensive for most folks to fly to Madison, and not everyone we invited could make it.

We did not pay for a wedding planner. If I could have, I would have paid a wedding planner $10,000 to plan us a $5000 wedding. It would have been worth it for someone to handle it all. Alas, wedding planners don’t work that way.

Instead, a week before the wedding, we realized it would be nice to have a Day of Coordinator to handle details like filling the balloons, setting up the music and so forth. We reached out to an old friend in Madison, and she was game to help us out. We initially offered her $100, but gave her another $100 when all was said and done because she was so fabulous. I wish I could have given her even more.

We did not pay for wedding invites/postage. Instead, we put up a wedding website, which cost $12 for the URL and $42 for the WordPress theme. We sent email invites out directing people to the wedding website, where they could also RSVP.

We did not pay for the “rehearsal dinner” the night before, but we did invite folks out to our favorite steakhouse, the Tornado Room. And because some folks didn’t get in until late Friday night, it was really more of a “Wedding Party & Special Guest Dinner.” We paid for our friend/officiant’s meal, but no one else’s. We told people ahead of time there would be individual checks in case folks wanted to make other plans, but no one complained.

We did not pay for drinks the night before. After the steakhouse dinner, we invited all of our guests to the Irish pub Brocach for drinks Friday night. Again, we made clear this was an informal gathering and everyone would pay their own tabs. It was a great night.

We did not pay for hair and makeup. Or tanning, or false lashes, or teeth whitening. I once read that a bride shouldn’t look as if she were a different person on her wedding day, and took that to heart. I did my own makeup and wore my hair the same way I wear it every day. Ryan teared up when I walked down the aisle, so mission accomplished.

We did not pay for fancy flowers. The morning of the wedding, we got peonies and daisies at the Madison Farmer’s Market for myself and the ladies. I wasn’t planning to get flowers for the reception, but after buying pink peonies for my bouquet, we found white peonies I liked better, so we ended up using the pink ones at dinner. Total cost: $60.

We did not pay for programs. I designed cheeky programs at home, and printed four-to-a-page. The morning I was supposed to deliver the programs to our Day of Coordinator, I used the paper cutter at the hotel to divide them up. They were a huge hit.

We did not pay for live music. We love live music, but I’m glad we decided to go the iPod route, because I don’t even remember the music while walking down the aisle. Guys, I was so nervous, I can’t even tell you.

We did not pay for a cake. Although we did get dessert platters for folks with a sweet tooth.

We did not pay for a DJ. No room for dancing, so no room for a DJ. I love to dance however, and luckily at the after-party there was a DJ (not planned), and one of our friends joined them at the booth and we got in our drunken dancing after most of our guests had left. Loved it.

We did not pay for a second outfit. My big skirt came with us the entire night.

We did not pay for after-party cocktails or cigars at Maduro, our after-party location. We also did not reserve space at Maduro, so it was a risk going there after dinner. This ended up being one of my favorite parts of the night however – to just be normal on a not-so-normal night.

We did not pay for favors. Memories are enough, don’t you think?

We did not pay for a brunch the day after. Again, everyone paid for their own, and we paid for our meals. We invited everyone, but with people’s travel schedules, not many folks showed up. If I were to do it again, I would just skip brunch all together. Neither Ryan or I slept the night before – or the night before that – and we were exhausted.

We did not require groomsmen and bridesmaids to wear a certain outfit. While this isn’t reflected in our budget, I think our wedding party was happy about it. The groomsmen wore existing gray suits that they owned, while we paid for ties, pocket squares, shades, and alcohol. The moms and bridesmaids wore dresses they picked out on their own. My sister and best friend happened to pick out the same dress in different colors, and both moms picked out dresses with lace – awesome. Given that both moms are in their 60s, my sister flew across an ocean for the wedding and my best friend was pregnant, I just wanted everyone to be comfortable.

Where Did We Spend?

The moment we decided to host our wedding in Madison, WI – the city where we met, had our first fight, first date, fell in love, and got engaged (in that order) – I felt relief.

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More than anything, we wanted our wedding to be something special – for us. Besides the extraordinary cost, nowhere in DC could compete with all the personal history we had in Madison. While we plan to stay in DC indefinitely, we loved the idea that Madison would always be a special place with meaningful memories that we could visit (in the Summers, of course; never visit Madison in the Winter).

It was the best decision for our wedding — and our budget.

Venues

We didn’t have to search for venues, because each wedding location represented a different part of our story. Within 24 hours of making the decision, we had booked the venues, the photographer, the hotel, and more. We knew many of the people we booked with personally from our time in Madison (while Madisonians like to say it has a big city feel, Madison is still a small town), and it looked like we could manage the day for just over our budget of $10,000.

Ceremony

Our ceremony was at the Overture Center for the Arts, a structure designed by renowned architect Cesar Pelli, and we both love art and culture. I really wanted an outdoor ceremony, but feared I would worry myself off a cliff about potential rain, so we nixed the idea. Besides, Overture was within walking distance to everything else.

We got the Overture’s ceremony fee ½ off because we were willing to wait to confirm our booking until the last minute (hooray!). However, even with the discount, this was more expensive than I was expecting.

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Drinks

We had drinks and appetizers at the Great Dane Pub & Brewery, the location where we first met in person (after we met online blogging). The Dane has great local beer, and is a Madison institution. They required a $500 guarantee in spending for 2 hours, which included the food and seemed reasonable for our calculations.

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Dinner

For dinner, we took everyone to Cooper’s Tavern, the spot where Ryan nervously chugged a beer (or two) just moments before he proposed on the steps of the Capitol on a business trip last year. We ate rustic food overlooking the Capitol Square, where we not only got engaged, but also had our first date during a Concert on the Square.

The spending minimum was $3000 for food and drink, which was both reasonable and doable, and there was no rental fee!

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Dress

My dress was custom-made after I tried on similar dresses for 2x or 3x the cost. During the weeks leading up the wedding, I was under constant stress wondering if I had made the right decision until I had it altered by the sweetest woman in Dupont Circle for $100 (such a steal!).

If I could go back and change something, it would be the level of importance I put on that dress.  I would have liked to have spent less and even gotten a $200 dress at a department store. This is one of those places I felt a lot of pressure from family and friends.

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Suit

Ryan’s suit was also custom-made by Indochino, and while it cost almost as much as my dress, it’s something he will wear again and again. We were both surprised, however, that after sending in his measurements, he still had to get the suit altered when it arrived. I think he was just as stressed about his suit as I was about my dress!

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Photographer

Guys, photographers are really expensive. This could easily eat up your whole budget. While I had researched a few photographers to get a sense of cost when we were planning a wedding in DC, I only reached out to one photographer when we decided to have the wedding in Madison. We both knew her when we lived in the city, and I had been following her work ever since. She has a fantastic style and lucky for us, was affordable when compared to the other folks.

I was also pleased and delighted to learn that her costs included an engagement photo session (something we weren’t planning on), and she just happened to be traveling to DC so we got to do the engagement photos here – score!

She also didn’t retain any photo printing rights, which I guess can really add up for some folks.

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What Was the Final Damage?

Here’s the detailed scope:

Initial Budget Actual Budget
Wedding Website
$11.99 domain name
$42 theme		 $54 $54
Marriage License
includes rush fee		 $0 $145
Flights for 2 people
$838 flights for 2
$100 baggage fees		 $632 $938
Hotel for 4 nights
includes breakfast, snacks, water, etc.		 $592 $908.14
Wedding Dress
$1005.8 dress
$59.76 undergarments
$13.97 ribbon
$44.45 veil
$43.99 shoes
$116.33 alterations
 $1000 $1284.30
Wedding Suit
$750 suit
$79 ties and pocket squares
~$80 shades and alcohol
~$100 alterations		 $750 $1009
Day of Coordinator $0 $200
Ceremony Fee (Overture) $772 $772
Officiant
We paid for our friend’s dinner Friday night		 $250 $68.68
Drinks & Appetizers (Great Dane)
Open bar, appetizers
65 guests, includes service charge and sales tax		 $800 $1189.18
Dinner & Drinks (Cooper’s)
Open bar, salad, four entrees, dessert platters
65 guests, includes service charge and sales tax		 $3735 $2689.38
Decorations
$400 for Overture labor to hang streamers
$154.64 for streamers + kraft paper table runners
$100.33 for balloons
$36 for helium
$69 for namecards
~$5 for cardstock programs
 $250 $764.97
Flowers
from the Farmer’s Market		 $250 $60
Photographer
includes engagement + wedding photos		 $2532 $2532
Yellow Bus
for guest transport in between locations		 $750 $210
Meals + Random Charges
includes all lunches, dinners, drinks,
taxis, airport food, wrinkle releaser, etc.		 $0 $699.05
Thank You Notes $0 $101.95
TOTAL $12,366.99 $13,625.64

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How Did We Pay for the Wedding?

Parents.
We asked for minimal gifts from our parents; each side offered and wanted to give more, but it was important to us to pay for what we could on our own.		 $3189
Airbnb.
We rented out an extra room in our apartment to help make some extra dough. This could have been more (in the past, we’ve paid for entire vacations this way), but our landlords told us to stop — boo.		 $1869
Savings.
We split this evenly across both our savings accounts.		 $4784
Cash Wedding Gifts.
We received more checks than this, but spent it on gifts or were able to put it into savings. I will always give cash/checks to future couples; we had no idea how useful this would be.		 $3783
Total $13625

Well, that’s it! What we spent, where we saved, and how we paid for our special day. I hope this helps future couples, and gives them permission to spend where they want (and don’t want) for the big “I do.” I also hope it helps current couples talk more openly about their finances.

To love and money.

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What do you think? Too much spent, too little, or just right? Where did you spend and save?

Photo Credits: Megan Elise Photography.

Categories
Happiness Knowing yourself Relationships Self-management

How to Get Married After a Long-Term Relationship

RyanAndRebeccaEngaged_29Ryan and I were together almost six years before we got married a few weeks ago. People (like me) enjoy asking long-time couples once they’re married, “Do you feel any different?” And the answer is usually, “Not really.”

But I do. For me, marriage is an unknown. I didn’t grow up with an example of marriage or what it meant. My father died when I was in second grade, but even if he had lived, my parents were not married. They loved each other, spent their free time with each other, slept with each other (and then there was me – surprise!), but did not marry each other, for reasons too intricate for now. So I didn’t learn about marriage growing up. I learned Independence. Strength. How to Put Together Furniture Without a Man.

And while I was never sure I would ever get married, Ryan has always been sure he would. If my upbringing was imperfect, his was idyllic. While his parents were both previously married, once they came together, they stayed together. They had Ryan and his brother, and while of course they had ups and downs, they mostly built an All-American life. Which isn’t to say my childhood wasn’t privileged and joyful, just that we did not represent the standard nuclear family.

So do I feel different? I started to when we began to plan the wedding. Besides the streamers and food, we planned not just the order of the ceremony, but our marriage. I knew Ryan was “the one” right away, but five or six years together didn’t help the fear of lifelong commitment weeks before the wedding. I pushed against the idea in my head and then out loud. Very loud.

It came out all sorts of ways, but was mostly this: “Are you sure about this? Are you sure you want to commit to me? Lil’ ole me?” and also this: “Wait, I’m not ready yet! This isn’t where I wanted to be in my life. My identity! My career!”

I dug my heels in, trying to make the time before the big “I do” go slower, to talk about kids, and finances, and how we would fight, and who would get up with the baby, and where we would live. Our imaginary teenagers got into all sorts of trouble and I got upset when it became clear Ryan would be easier on our kids than I would be (dear future kiddos: you will be grounded).

It all took some time to sink in. When you’re as hard on yourself as I am, acceptance is a delicate flower. I came to realize that not being fully formed, well, that was okay. You can enter into marriage without smoothing down all the bumps. God knows, I tried.

Finally, we took a slow one or two hour walk through our favorite running path, down to the Lincoln Memorial (Ryan’s favorite), then along the reflecting pond, past the White House, and back up, past our neighborhood restaurants and shops. I didn’t get everything figured out like I wanted to. Only that I had chosen and had been chosen.

I finished my vows, the promises I made to Ryan, that we would figure the rest out along the way. I promised to go on that journey with him, not knowing what will happen, how we will feel, or what will come next.

When we arrived back home after the wedding, everything looked the same, but also, everything had moved two inches to the right. The space in between opened an entirely new depth in our relationship. I can see glimpses of what our life will be like, but I try to live in the present. My head on his chest, his hand on mine.

This is different. It’s all very different. Every day, my heart opens wider and I don’t know how it can hold so much love.

How did you or will you prepare for your marriage? Do you feel different? How will marriage change your relationship? 

(Psst – Next week, I’ll reveal the more practical side of marriage, including exactly how much our wedding cost and of course, the wedding photos. Update: click here to read.)

Categories
Generation Y Knowing yourself Love What You Do

All the Things I Did Last Year

I like to wait until everyone else publishes their New Year’s resolutions, goals and non-resolutions and then publish mine. I want to know I’m not missing out on anything. And, I want to process everything.

So first, accomplishments from 2013. I got engaged, which was quite the celebration; kind of like being welcomed into a club I didn’t know existed: “You’re getting married! You’re one of us now!” I didn’t really get the mania, nor did I understand the constant questions of “When is the wedding?” It is the next logical question to ask, but very rarely have I imagined my wedding and more often I have imagined a non-wedding. (Also, weddings are too freaking expensive. Marriage is not an industry, folks.)

Rebecca Thorman
Right after Ryan got down on one knee.

Besides getting engaged, Ryan and I also celebrated five years together. This seemed like a much bigger achievement. We met six or seven years ago through blogging. Ryan was writing Employee Evolution, the blog that started his company Brazen Careerist, and I used to comment on his blog and tell him how wrong he was. In fact, I was inspired to start my blog because I felt like I had more to add to the conversation. He wasn’t phased, and true to his character, he was the second person to comment on my blog. That’s how he is: no grudges, doesn’t take anything personally. We have good conversations. I like to say I fell in love with his mind before I ever met him, but it doesn’t hurt that he’s also super good looking.

Other things that happened last year: I quit a job I hated with every particle in my being. I hated it so much that I became indifferent, which is the worst kind of hate. It’s like the gasoline slowly leaked out of my tank, and then hit empty, and then went past the reserves, until I’m sitting in a coffee shop with my nice boss (not the reason I hated my job) and the words “I quit” just slipped out. There was nothing else to say.*

(*Okay, there was a lot to say, but I said it all to a coach. Which was another big thing for me in 2013. Asking for help.)

I have a list of “Successes in 2013,” and at the very top, above anything else is “Quit a job I hated.” So this was a big deal. I decided I was worth more.

Rebecca Thorman
Getting excited at Google.

I spoke on a panel at Google in 2013, which was particularly awesome because I was on the panel with really important people, and when it was time for the Q&A, I prepared myself for all the questions to be directed at these really important people. Instead, the first person directed her question toward me, and she said she read my blog. And then the second person, her question was for me too, and she read my blog too. And so on and so forth. And it was joyous. Because sometimes, even with all the comments and the likes and tweets, it’s hard out here for a blogger, and people were telling me they liked me, face-to-face. AT GOOGLE. It’s something I will never forget. Thank you to everyone who tells someone else nice things. You are good people.

The Washingtonian named me a Tech Titan in 2013, for leading the DC Lean Startup meetup where we’ve built an amazing learning community. And while sometimes I think maybe it was a situation where the editors said, “Dang! There are not enough women on this list; are there ANY other women in tech?” I am still really proud of myself. Particularly because the Lean Startup meetup is what gave me my footing in DC. When Ryan and I moved to DC, I was a fish out of water, lonely working from home for my old job back in Madison, and depressed. The world was bigger than I had led myself to believe, and I was much, much smaller. Finally, I got off my “woe is me” butt, and attended the meetup, spoke at the meetup, and then started volunteering to help organize the meetup. It was through the meetup that I built my network, a community, and my own little interesting corner of the city.

Climbing a mountain.

What else? I climbed a mountain. I spent a lot more time outside. I spent a lot more time exercising and moving. I caught up with family. I turned 30. I feel 27. I keep all my old driver’s licenses and my first driver’s license lists my weight as 130 lbs, and I still weigh 130 lbs. I am damn proud of that. So yes, like the weather: 30, feels like 27. Or 16. The older I get, the more I realize what a goofball I am, and why-does-everyone-have-to-be-so-serious-all-the-time. And me, I don’t have to be so serious all the time.

On that note, I learned to let go in 2013. Of people who suck, and people who are not very nice people. I ran out of gas here too, first putting energy into trying to make certain people like me, and then, just like that, all the energy was gone and I was done. Turns out indifference is a useful therapy for not only expunging dreadful jobs, but also dreadful people.

I am happier. Or wait, I don’t like that term. And I don’t like happy people. I have found more peace. 2013 was the year of finding peace, coming to terms with myself, and my head, which is an awful place to live. Now I live in my lungs, where I breath. Life is two sides of a coin, happy and sad, good and bad, and you can never separate the two from one another. When happy comes, I learn to recognize it and I say, “Oh, this is nice, and it will pass.” When bad comes, I learn to recognize it and I say, “Oh, this is not-so-nice, and it too will pass.”

The last quarter of 2013, I got a new job, after taking a break from all the jobs, and it is good. Really good. And I have a good feeling about 2014. Last year, I tore down what wasn’t working; this year I’m looking forward to building things back up.

Categories
Productivity

6 Productive Ways to Avoid the 3 PM Slump

Three o’clock in the afternoon: the time when you can barely keep your eyes open, let alone get any work done. If you’re struggling with motivation, take heart that there are more options besides staring off into the distance. Over at US News and World Report, I talk about six ways to stay productive during your afternoon slump. Read it here.