Hercules and I went to a friend’s housewarming party on the lake this weekend. We sat and stood and laid on the dock while the dogs and boats and swimsuits blurred by. We talked about what fantastical lives we born and bred Midwesterners led. As the sun played with the edge of the water, half a platter of chips and dip joined the two brats in my stomach, and I summarily declared that I was really good-looking.
Good-looking and intelligent and great.
I do that sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean a lot. I have to remind myself, see.
It’s taken me a lot to get where I am. It isn’t luck. It’s work. Hard, emotional, risk-taking work. You can only be successful if you like yourself very much. And I struggle every day to keep that up.
Today is more of a struggle. Today is one of those days that no one could hold me close enough and the tension around my heart won’t dissipate even with the deepest breath. I am ready to retreat today.
It is these strange and neurotic thoughts that get in the way of success. Hercules told me at the party that whatever I am thinking, somebody else is thinking. Perhaps. There are some secrets we all hold close to ourselves, trying to protect an image that others will respect. Like, no one tells you that blogging takes an insane amount of time. No one tells you that leadership is lonely. No one tells you that love is not a fairy tale no matter how hard you try.
Sneaky, that.
That’s why you have to like yourself a whole heck of a lot. So when the days are a struggle, you’re ready. If you’re somewhat of a narcissist, you join the feel-good-success-club. Welcome. If you’re not, you’re stuck at the perimeter, looking in. The people on the inside have figured something out. They back themselves up one hundred percent and smile in the face of dissent. They believe in who they are, in spite of what goes wrong.
That means you have to enjoy being alone with yourself. It’s hard to do that. I myself love being around other people. People would describe me as an extrovert. But I am most comfortable alone. Even on days like today. I don’t have to brush my hair, and the words out of my mouth are not timed and measured. There is no one to worry about trusting in hushed voices, and it’s okay that I haven’t done the dishes.
It is during these alone times that I turn on my music. I turn it up real loud. Loud enough to test the sound insulation of the walls that hold my small apartment. And then I dance. I dance on through my living room and spin around in front of the bathroom mirror, and I prance out into the hallway and spread out my arms, throw my head back, and my mouth opens passionate and wide to the words of the song, full blast, my body bending towards the ceiling. Because I am sure that in another life I was the most famous of all famous vocalists, and it’s a grave mistake that I can barely carry a tune in this lifetime. A grave and dirty trick, I say.
The song ends then, and I smile in spite of myself, and remember that whatever I am worried about cannot match the strength of how really good-looking and intelligent and great I truly am.
32 replies on “Narcissism is good for success”
Rebecca,
In resonance with your post, I dedicate this to you.
A time of retreat, we all need;
Breath and breath indeed.
Relax with nature, renew your strength,
regain perspective, recapture your spirit.
A time of retreat, we all need.
Well done.
Flying home from vacation back east I watched Oceans 13 (mediocre, but smooth movie) – and one thing that I took note of at the end was on a fine Las Vegas night, Rueben says, “The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself.”
That’s it. Never forget it, never be ashamed. Dance, blog and sing until the whatevers come home.
I’ve just gone through a breakup with a long time and very close girlfriend, and the timing couldn’t be worse. I was just ready to make a career change and relocation to be closer to her. Suffice it to say…I don’t know exactly what’s going on for you, but a lot of these feelings sound very familiar to me. Thanks for sharing this inspirational bit, Rebecca! Good luck with everything.
Good realization Rebecca…you need to have full confidence in who you are in order to overcome obstacles.
Absolutely the best. This really picked me up. I had a weird 3-month “performance review” last week in which I was told I was not “fitting” with my co-workers as well as expected and that my appearance was not professional enough. That totally hurt my feelings, and I felt a lot of it was really unjustified, but now I’m reading this and I’m realizing that I can just suck it up and move on. And tonight, I may just turn up my music and dance too.
You are so right here that it’s not even funny. While I shouldn’t say that narcissism is good–the thoughts you put out are.
I wrote about the process not being so easy a few months ago, but I like yours better. Not many blogs are touching on this subject and I think they should
@ Ray – Thank you for this inspiring poem – really lifted my morning!
@ Torbjorn – I love that quote. Because life can be embarassing sometimes and you can’t let it get to you…
@ Cody – I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not going through a break up. I just had a long exhausting week and it all caught up to me yesterday. Breakups are the worst though. Stay strong and read your own website – it’s so good! :)
@ Kate – It’s great to hear that my words helped you. It feels vulnerable posting such thoughts on the internet for everyone to see, so I’m glad that others find value from what I write. If your performance review was like that, I would guess that your boss is right and you’re not meant for that organization. Better to learn it quickly and move on to a place that is good for you then continue to be stuck. I know that you’re great because I’ve read your blog – oftentimes, it’s the environment that doesn’t allow you to bloom, not you. Crap. Now I sound like a self-help book. Ick!
@ Ryan – I REALLY liked your post. I hope everyone goes to read it. You like my post better, but I like yours better :) Just fantastic.
Are all mid-westerners as intensely energenic as you? If so, kudos to the midwest.
Rock on w/ yo’ bad self!
That’s coastie talk for amazing post.
The best part about being able to work at home is the dance break. I love the time I get to myself as well. You put the thoughts I often have into words very well.
The irony in loving yourself enough through knowing yourself is that you end up being more attractive to others (not just romantically).
There are few who are comfortable with themselves and who have the emotional intelligence to really be alone and be alright with it. But those who do have a much easier time with the tough parts of life and make better choices through them.
We can argue about where the line is, but I’d prefer to dance upon it.
Nice post.
@ Paugh – Thanks! Midwesterners rock coasties all the time. But the coasties love it here.
@ Jenny – So it is true that others are thinking what I’m thinking? Thank God! I don’t want to be the only crazy neurotic one ;)
@ Scot – True. The less I tried to please other people, the more people liked me- imagine that?! The imagery of dancing on the line is one I use a lot… love that.
The other day I was dancing around the house, rocking out to some sort of indie rock my Midwestern neighbors would disdain were it turned up too loud, pumping out into the street. I danced through the halls, into the kitchen, around the living room. I do this a lot. It’s me time. I get to just let loose, in the privacy of my own home. I cherish it.
Then I looked up and realized for some reason, all the blinds were open, the music was too loud, and way more neighbors than usual were outside. A moment struck me with profound embarrassment. For all I knew, they were all watching. Looking. Listening. And then I realized – who cares? So I kept dancing, turned the music up louder, opened a window and embraced just what you’re talking about – being me, not caring who’s watching so much that it keeps me from being me. And it was perfect.
For me, the strange neurotic thoughts are what make me successful.
I am constantly struggling to maintain a sense of balance in my life. On a daily basis, I check in with my mood to ensure that the ego remains in check, while self confidence is maintained to keep me from going insane.
I will not take to drowning myself in the waters of my own mediocrity, yet, I cannot ignore the voices. I invite doubt, it is in those times I find myself making my life’s course corrections. When I’m exuding confidence, I have blinders on, I’m focused, accomplishing tasks and pressing on. Only with both can I ever get the right things done.
I too tell myself I’m good looking. Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I can’t believe how good looking I am. Really, it’s amazing I’m not constantly mobbed by women wherever I go.
Then, without notice, doubt sets in. I tumble blindly as it infests my life. Suddenly I’m inviting the desire to question everything.
When that happens, I remind myself that most of the things we worry about never happen. Worrying about those things only clouds judgement and wastes time.
Comfort returns when I remind myself that I was measuring my success with the wrong stick, I am successful with what I have, both personally and professionally. It adds up, I’ve done the math.
Lastly, I remind myself of all that I have accomplished. I’ve pulled through some rough times in my life, yet still resolve to consider myself lucky. I have my friends and family, I am not alone. I am in good health.
Does that settle me? Of course not, I want to be a better person, so I continue on.
Success is not in front of us, it’s not to be sought after, it is immobile and therefore only needs to be recognized.
Hey girl,
Love this post. I doubt very much narcissism and loving yourself are the same thing, but I guess they’re not always mutually exclusive either. Anyway if you keep living like that you’ll find there’s a lot to love about yourself.
Peace.
[…] Late-night is the new meeting time. Deals have always been made outside of working hours, and that is particularly suited towards Generation Y. We work all the time. It would be a mistake to think that work begins at nine and ends at five. If you want to get ahead, nine to five means nothing to you. […]
[…] The happy medium between the two consists of the very narcissism Paugh uses to substantiate his argument. You see, part of being independent, part of truly loving yourself, is that you can love another, and perhaps more importantly, that yoiu can allow yourself to be loved in return. It’s the latter that’s hard. But when you can do that, that’s when you can really start to change the world. Because you understand something so powerful, that it can’t be put into words. […]
[…] The happy medium between the two consists of the very narcissism Paugh uses to substantiate his argument. You see, part of being independent, part of truly loving yourself, is that you can love another, and perhaps more importantly, that you can allow yourself to be loved in return. It’s the latter that’s hard. But when you can do that, that’s when you can really start to change the world. Because you understand something so powerful, that it can’t be put into words. […]
[…] Hercules and I recently visited Janet, the Psychic. The Psychic Gallery has bright red carpets, a strange mix of leather couches and plastic lawn chairs, and the fee is $35 to get your palm read. She also offers tarot card readings and full on what is your future readings sans the crystal balls. The entire atmosphere screams rip-off, and is located only a block from the State Capitol. Only in Madison. […]
[…] So, I am trying my best, which seems to be working out, mostly because your best has to be good enough, and I love myself enough to realize that my best is really quite amazing. […]
[…] The Generation Y woman has leadership and strength, and promotes community and empathy. We don’t dismiss motherhood, but embrace our strengths and use those to change the workplace, reaping from it a greater sense of fulfillment than ever before. […]
[…] You won’t have all the skills, and perhaps it’s easier to think about it as if you’re a leader in training. But if you make that commitment, you’re already miles ahead of everyone else. And the others will follow. Because you believe in yourself. And that’s half the battle to believing in others. […]
[…] only in control of yourself. You may have goals, but unless you’re ruthless with yourself and who you are – your abilities, your strengths, your weaknesses – you’re not going to get […]
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Narcissism without courage/self confidence (especially courage to change) becomes a pathology… you stagnate in your own thinking all day long, finding excuses for everything, and fall in love with your dreams and your unhealthy mind.
I’ve learned this is extremely true through experience. I think that’s where I am right now and it sucks. When you get out of it though…
On a side note, I don’t know if the author really understands what narcissism is, just based on her descriptions of herself. I could be wrong.
I’m not trying to be sexist, but I don’t think I’ve seen a true female narcissist. From what I’ve seen, the female narcissists grow up in a culture where success is valued and, IN ORDER TO GAIN THE RESPECT OF OTHERS and hide insecurities, they act in a narcissistic way. In my opinion, being a narcissist is being self absorbed and deciding to do things for your own reason, and not to gain other peoples friendship. A narcissist has given up on other people.
Sorry I didn’t mean respect. I think a lot of what narcissists fight for is respect. I think what I meant was acceptance.
When that happens, I remind myself that most of the things we worry about never happen. Worrying about those things only clouds judgement and wastes time.
I’ll have to burn this in my unconscious mind… in fact I believe the opposite… and maybe that’s my problem.
[…] do such a good job breeding mediocrity that we can’t be so afraid to be alone and listen to the sound of our own voice and let out a real note while we lip-synch. March to the […]
I adore this. Thank you.
Do you believe that our lives are paths made up of small stepping stones that are difficult to spot when we are blundering ahead full speed? I do.
Rebecca, your messae here is one of my stepping stones now. Currently going through a divorce, a good friend of mine told me yesterday that I need to forget about my negatives and focus on my positives. My thought was “if I do that, how will I ever fix myself?”
Your message helped me to see what she meant. I may be narcissistic, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, I should be happy I have something to drive me forward, when so many others do not.
So, watch out world. . . And to anyone who comes to this stepping stone after me, let me carve a little reminder into it:
Temet Nosce
I mean this in the most endearing way possible, but you are so narcisstic that your post was actually annoying! :D But you know what? More power to you! After YEARS, I have just discovered that narcissism is a GOOD thing! I won’t go into too much detail, but I never had a good support system (or even a mediocre one lol). No one to tell me that I was “good” (in whatever context). I recently realized that I am textbook people-pleaser. Always wanting to be liked, yearning for acceptance, putting others before myself, etc. Not surprisingly, I always ended up on the outside, looking in. The “self centered” people always had “it” whether it be friends, respect, title, etc. I hated these people yet I envied them so much. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I knew it wasn’t just a matter of self confidence or self esteem. It’s narcissism! I need to KNOW that I am good looking and funny. I need to KNOW that I deserve better. I need to KNOW that I will succeed. I need to stop giving a rat’s a$$ about what others think of me and to be my own cheerleader! Another very important trait about healthy narcissists is that even in bad times, they don’t let themselves fall into the trap of being the victim. They don’t let things bother them whereas I let would let even the littlest things eat me up inside. Well, not anymore! No more negativity. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more beating myself up for my perceived short comings. I I am going to celebrate ME. I’m going to throw a party in my honor. Why? Because. I’m freaking AWESOME! :)
I don’t believe you know what narcissism is. Narcissism is a severe mental illness. Narcissists betray their homelands for money. They murder their own parents or children out of jealousy or even lesser motives and are not emotionally affected by it. They are unable to have any emotional attachments with another person.