Ryan Paugh’s recent thoughts on relationships and career are downright blasphemous. I state my opinion with the utmost respect for Paugh. We’re friends. But I disagree with him.
Paugh views long-term relationships and marriage as restrictions for young talent. Young leaders, he argues, are limiting themselves by searching for responsibility they don’t need yet.
Restrictions are what life is about. You should never throw away such opportunities, but embrace what limits you.
I studied design in college and found that given the chance to design anything at all in the whole wide world, the canvas will remain blank. Told to design something with a right angle, or without connecting any lines, or including three circles and your mind will turn on. Constraints make you creative. Creativity breeds success.
I had lunch today with a young twenty-something leader in marketing and public relations who was doing just that. We talked about his future plans and I asked if he would ever consider leaving Madison.
“I’d like to leave, but my wife wants to stay here and her family lives here as well, so I think we will stay,” he replied.
It’s a compromise for him to stay. That was clear. But he will go far because he does not see that as a boundary. Despite limitations, he is successful and is creating change.
Paugh, however, argues that “leaders who are emotionally committed to another person typically can’t hack it.” Ridiculous. The very definition of leadership is being emotionally available to others. Life is about helping other people. A relationship is the sincerest form of such sentiments. Even Oprah has Steadman.
Much of the confusion has to do with the fact that changing the world is not the rainbows and teddy bears we imagine in our heads. It’s dirty grotesque work. It is work that is often sleazy and hard and tiring. Paugh romanticizes that it’s something different entirely.
He talks about relaxing with his friends watching football one weekend and trips to Cape Cod the next – things that just wouldn’t be possible with the ball and chain. The message seems to be that you can’t have a life, and be in a relationship, and change the world all at the same time. “Imagine your potential for greatness if you choose to take a rain-check on the nuptials,” Paugh urges. The reality is that as a leader, you support others, and at the end of the day, you need someone to support you.
For the record, I’m single. I’ve been a serial monogamist and I’ve been a serial dater. I’m a hopeless romantic, but I have no desire to get married and start popping out babies anytime soon.
And yet, as a newly minted Gen-Y leader, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I had someone to come home to, someone that would understand and support and be there for me. Someone to share the success. It’s hard to be a leader and not have personal support, even with wonderful friends and family.
It is, of course, a personal choice to choose a family or choose a career. Neither is right. On one side, the young and married stand, happiness glazed on their faces, what ifs tattooed in their eyes. On the other side the young and powerful march forward, heads turned backward, looking at what they’ve left behind.
The happy medium between the two consists of the very narcissism Paugh uses to substantiate his argument. You see, part of being independent, part of truly loving yourself, is that you can love another, and perhaps more importantly, that you can allow yourself to be loved in return. It’s the latter that’s hard. But when you can do that, that’s when you can really start to change the world. Because you understand something so powerful, that it can’t be put into words.
27 replies on “Dissent in the Gen Y ranks – family or career?”
Well said. This is a great reply to Paugh’s piece.
I had a long term girlfriend right around the time that a lot of really exciting things started happening in my life. I was excited for the both of us, because it could have meant a lot for our future. Unfortunately, I never found the support that I was hoping for (and sorely needed) and we never got to share in everything that’s going on right now. Furthermore, I had to struggle through a hard breakup when I should have been bouncing off the walls with happiness.
My point, as I finally come to it, is that it takes the right type of person to share in your success. I still don’t agree with Paugh. The hopeless romantic in myself knows that I can still find what I’m looking for, it’s the rational side that questions how easy that will be.
Everyone, but especially Gen Y-ers, are trying to fit into the new, ever changing roles that have come to be with women having careers and being able to support themselves. Today’s women are the new (old-role) men, but men can’t find their new niche. I think that’s Ryan’s problem. He can’t see where he fits into a relationship or marriage along with his career in the 21st Century. He hasn’t defined his role yet, but he will, because lasting love is what we all want. And the drive to procreate is born in all of us.
Great reply indeed…
I wholeheartedly agree with some of your points, I also see holes in others. Regardless, there’s no right or wrong answer. Everyone is different and requires different relationships to survive.
I myself have embraced long-term relationships in the past. They’ve done great things for me then, of course, as most young people do, we move on.
Right now, I see the road ahead and couldn’t imagine having a significant other to support me. Because with all I have planned, how would I support them?
Yes, leadership requires emotional availability to others, but I also believe it requires some detachment from individuals. Being a leader can be lonely even in a room full of people.
This isn’t to suggest that a true leader can’t sprout in a serious relationship nor that I myself a a great leader. I’m not. You yourself point out that I sit on the couch and drink beers with the boys and make time to relax on the Cape.
But just take this for what it is, there’s no comfort in leading and great support isn’t always there. If you want to lead, you have to be willing to have nothing. There’s nothing romantic about it.
It’s very negative, I know, but with this “devil” mentality comes the “angel” on your other shoulder that so many people have shared with me (even though their words have been far from angelic). It’s important to embrace that side too. It’s hope, which is just as important.
Thanks for this post. It’s the best response anyone has given me.
I’m in the process of writing a post right now that actually backs you up. Keep an eye out.
@ Sam – thank you! I’m glad you found value from it.
@ Dale – I definitely think that you need to find the right person who would understand, and that it’s certainly your choice whether or not you want to be in a relationship at all. Nothing worth it in life is ever easy… Thanks for your comment.
@ Linda – I do often wonder if men are having trouble adjusting. And I do whole-heartedly agree that procreation is what drives us! But if I had written that people would say I talk about sex too often ;)
@ Ryan – Leadership has detachment by it’s nature – meeting and interacting with so many people – not by intention. I agree leadership is very lonely, which is the exact reason you shouldn’t advocate for it to be lonelier. You have to be prepared to have nothing, as I wrote in both “My new job” and “Narcissism is good for success” posts, but you shouldn’t purposefully work towards it. I look forward to your future post, and thanks for being a good sport ;)
Thanks Rebecca. You know I’m a good sport.
I just want to say that I would never advocate loneliness. I just challenge myself to look deeper into the relationships that I form. Can I handle it? Will they be able to handle me?
There’s a lot of questions to pose when you’re young and looking for you place in the world.
As Linda points out, I don’t yet know mine, but I think I’d like to have an idea before I invest emotionally into that one special lady.
You two are running an interesting topic this morning.
What Ryan wants, and acts upon, is what the still motivated, ‘freedom’ seeking man in me is screaming for. But I have to admit to myself that what I would do if I were single (besides being equally productive) is (maybe) buy a larger T.V, a new computer and get involved in video games and weed like my previous 5 years in University…which would be AWESOME in it’s own certain sense.
Then again, maybe I’d spring forward and make things really really work for myself which is what I like to think I’d be motivated to do.
I agree with Rebecca in that it’s partly the challenge of sharing so deeply your life and success, happiness and sadness with someone, that makes it all worthwhile. Adding constraints keeps you sharp. Having a girlfriend doesn’t mean eternal commitment (and we laugh at marriage and the housing bust), but it sure means that we both feel like sharing with and for each other our lives, at least for as long as we can.
Tough subject, I won’t dive in deeper!
Great post!
“constraints make you creative” Love this line. I will come back to this on my own blog.
Rebecca, I am going to have to agree with you on this issue. This particular sentence speaks to me “The reality is that as a leader, you support others, and at the end of the day, you need someone to support you.” I think is a supportive relationship you help each other become better people. My fiance and I complement each other greatly. We bounce ideas off of each other. We are different enough that we can help each other see all sides of things. I fully support him and all of his aspirations as does he mine. Maybe I am too much of a romantic but I think part of the joy of accomplishment is having someone to tell the story to at the end of the day.
I think for a long term relationship it is important to discuss your long term goals so that you can help each other reach those.
I also second your “constraints make you creative” this is very true of being a designer.
@ Torbjorn – I don’t think it’s just men who long for that freedom. In fact, I think it’s increasingly less men, and more women. Who you are shouldn’t change all the drastically when you’re in a relationship. It should only be a stronger you. If it’s not that, then you’re in the wrong relationship. I appreciate the honesty from someone in a relationship!
@ Tim – I’m liking that line a lot too – I’ll look forward to your post on the subject.
@ Elysa – I am envious right now! As I mentioned to Torbjorn, you should support your partner to reach their goals. It’s great to hear that it’s possible for those that choose that path – thanks!
I couldn’t be doing what I’m doing right now without my wife’s support on so many levels.
When you marry, all of your efforts become team efforts, and usually, the results are better for it.
I understand Paugh’s point, but I think I’m more capable now than I was when single.
Real leadership is actually not lonely. Because leaders have followers. And those followers are people. So I disagree with this point. Sometimes leaders may feel people don’t understand them, but it’s not lonely. Sometimes they may have to make unpopular decisions. But it’s critical to be able to do those things AND preserve relationships. Or else, you stop being a leader.
Also, leaders know how to balance, draw lines of professionalism in relationships and have personal relationships as well. This is more complex than just saying, it will be best for me to close myself off from relationships so I can cope better and feel more free. That’s just a cop out.
@ Chuck – Thanks for the comment. I like hearing from the young and married in addition to the young and restless :)
@ Tiffany – I think you misunderstand what I mean by leadership being lonely. It’s not about unpopular decisions or being misunderstood. That happens to everyone. It’s when everything goes right and there’s still that feeling in your chest when you hit the pillow. Leadership is lonely because you’ll be in a room full of people who respect and like and adore you and you’ll still feel lonely. It’s because after a day of five or six meetings with different people you still feel lonely. You can be popular, develop quality relationships and still be lonely. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s a phenomenon that happens much more often in leadership than is discussed. I think it’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Then you just get it.
I like this post. It’s one of the most important decisions you’ll make, so it deserves at least this much thought.
Having a partner helps in lots of ways. You’ll need emotional resilience in order to do anything. You will fail. You will suffer doubts. You will feel frustrated. Having a partner lowers the probability that your sense of being overwhelmed will stay with you far too long. Lots to say, but I’ll limit it to this.
Ron – the guy who has been married for 24 years.
For some, having a family and a career just isn’t in the realm of possibility.
However, most of the commentary that provoked this discussion came from a very narrowly focused point of view, from that of an individual who – with all due respect – is seeing life from within the context of his own capabilities and limitations. This perspective is not shared by everyone.
How can young people expect to change the world if they have to tie themselves to a family? And yet, so many of them do just. You need only broaden your view to see them. I don’t fault Ryan for his opinion, I simply accuse him of oversimplification.
The assumption is that those who can do, could have done more if they weren’t distracted by the weight of a family. And that at a young age one is not capable of doing it all and doing it well. This is a common misnomer, the basis of which are unfounded in my opinion.
For some, the provision of a family is their way of changing the world for the better. Raising an individual, teaching them, influencing them, encouraging them to be a good person. These are world-changing and honorable things, not to be devalued at any age and by anyone.
Taking up a cause as an individual seems, at least to me, limiting and lonely, but for some it makes total sense. Again, I don’t fault those individuals who choose this path. I respect the fact that they are evaluating ways to make themselves better people.
However we all define freedom/success/happiness differently, for some it’s sitting on a couch watching ESPN, For me I’d rather be riding my motorcycle… so it makes sense, then, that we won’t always agree upon how best to change the world either. More couches and motorcycles probably won’t save the world. I mean we could give it a shot, but honestly I don’t think it’s going to work out.
In fact, the optimist in me says the world is already changing for the better, and it is through these types of discussions that we can find ourselves broadening our perspectives and looking at things with more clarity and tolerance. Two things I believe to be essential if you really want to change the world.
Thanks for stickin’ up for me (the self-declared married-old-fart). I can’t agree more with you on this. Then again, I might be biased as I’m already hitched. :)
However, I must admit that every now and then, my mind wonders off, “What would happen if…” I’ll think about the hypothetical great job in DC, potentially what would be bachelor-style city-apartment, or even some nights would with my lady-friends. No more than a couple minutes that my wandering mind brings me back to reality — A smile on her face, a recent silly argument, or even a simple meal we shared.
That’s my current reality and I’m diggin’ it.
Rebecca,
I have been a reader of Ryan’s blog for a little while now and have just discovered yours. I totally agree with your vantage point on this subject. As a young, married millennial I know that having a partner and someone to come home to has its ups and downs. For us starting our businesses together help our creativity and communication. While it is true that I can’t just pack up and head to Cape Cod with the boys all too often anymore, I still have plenty of freedom to watch my college football.
Great blog. Can’t wait to read some more!!
[…] As such, dating is a dangerous ingredient to add to the work/life blender. Friends and work and business associates and drinks and family all mix quite nicely. But the moment dating (and the prospect of sex) comes into the mix, people get all crazy. Seriously. Many in our generation would prefer not to even talk about dating and sex. A foreign concept to me because that’s essentially all my best friend Belle and I talk about. […]
[…] As such, dating is a dangerous ingredient to add to the work/life blender. Friends and work and business associates and drinks and family all mix quite nicely. But the moment dating comes into the mix, people get all crazy. Seriously. Many in our generation would prefer not to even talk about it. A foreign concept to me because that’s essentially all my best friend Belle and I discuss. […]
Oh, this is such a big lesson to learn! And honestly, I didn’t finally ‘get it’ until ~5 years of marriage…which was four years ago. I’m 32.
Our solution for people who find themselves ‘leaders’ was to seek out a spouse who is also a leader in their own, separate field, then construct backup social networks for when said spouse is busy. Finally, mentally keep spouse on a very long leash – after all, my admiration for his leadership of his field is one of the things that attracted me in the first place. He feels the same about me.
What’s great about this, is the ‘leadership loneliness’ shorthand that you develop – someone always knows how you feel, and knows that you have a commitment to your work that may come before them right now, and IT’S OKAY. No hissy fits, no sulking, no guilt complexes. He trusts that I will come back and tell all about my latest conquest/challenge, and at some point I’ll be ready to take a break from the gruntwork and listen to his side.
Each of us seeks advice from the other occasionally – and it doesn’t matter that the jargon and physics of each field is different – people are the same the world over.
My ‘support’ of his work is merely to constantly imply: “You’re good at what you do. Keep at it.” He does the same for me. Sometimes we get around to actually saying so.
But this is different from Chuck’s ‘team effort’ – I know couples who are like that, but we are both too headstrong to work together on anything larger than household projects, and even there, it works best to divide and conquer. The attitude of ‘I feel blessed to be able to do this for you’ goes a long way – from picking up the occasional financial shortfalls to taking out the garbage.
[…] It’s not about prioritizing one over the other, nor is there a single answer that works for everyone; there are extremes at either end. What remains consistent in women, however, is their sense of increasing independence. […]
[…] Here’s what it boils down to: How we handle the proving ourselves time in entering the workforce is going to set precedents for the way the rest of our lives and opportunities play out. For example, as Penelope Trunk recently wrote, young women who want to have a family and career face the serious dilemma of timing and capitalizing on their fertility versus committing fully to a career. On the other hand of the same argument, young men like Ryan Paugh are talking about the dilemma of whether or not to commit to a long-term romantic relationship or to take risks in their career early on. […]
[…] Here’s what it boils down to: How we handle the proving ourselves time in entering the workforce is going to set precedents for the way the rest of our lives and opportunities play out. For example, as Penelope Trunk recently wrote, young women who want to have a family and career face the serious dilemma of timing and capitalizing on their fertility versus committing fully to a career. On the other hand of the same argument, young men like Ryan Paugh are talking about the dilemma of whether or not to commit to a long-term romantic relationship or to take risks in their career early on. […]
[…] I want to respond to the latest post at Employee Evolution, as I’ve done in the past here. This time, Ryan Healy writes on ways your family can help you with your career. Here’s my take: […]
[…] My goal is to start a business… soon. But not now, because I’m young and want to enjoy my early/mid twenties with a great social life in a large city. To me, a business is a huge commitment; something you pour your life and soul into for years before it starts profiting (if it ever profits). I can’t understand why someone would give up everything else to do that in their early twenties; but who am I to talk, when Ryan thinks it’s crazy I’m married already. Maybe it’s not about needing guidance or needing help or not having enough passion so much as it is about personal preference. Maybe we’re talking about the same thing in the end. […]
[…] Dissent in the Gen Y ranks – family or career? Arguing against the idea that a family holds you back from career […]
[…] want to respond to the latest post at Employee Evolution, as I’ve done in the past here. This time, Ryan Healy writes on ways your family can help you with your career. Here’s my […]