I texted Skinny last Friday night, “I’m just not up for it.” Which really meant that I had sixteen meetings last week, and I was exhausted, and however appealing a nice relaxing dinner sounded, Skinny would have just been a landfill. I would have dumped my entire life on him. And who is that fun for? No one.
The thing is, I’ve been saying “I’m just not up for it,” to my friends more often than not, and I’m quickly losing whatever semblance of balance I used to have. Big Brother claims he keeps his personal life separate because it’s difficult to be a public figure, but I’m increasingly wondering if the real reason is because he doesn’t have one.
And I’m wondering if what I really want is to become a workaholic.
The thing is, when you surround yourself with a certain type of person, you become like those people. Take, for instance, a meeting I was at last week. I sat nervously on the edge of my chair as we started the meeting with a WIGO (What Is Going On), where people described what’s been happening in their lives. When every single person talked about work except for one, I breathed a triumphant sigh of relief. They didn’t have lives either!
At the time, I was grateful to hear that others were just as crazy as me, but as Belle and my sister amuse me with their updates on promise rings and wedding plans, I’m anxious for the whole “not having a life” thing to be over with. Because I do want it all. The family. The career. And everything in between.
This idea of priorities came up earlier in the week. I was on a panel and one participant asked me, “If I’m more efficient during afternoon meetings, but my employees or volunteers are more efficient in the morning, what do I do?”
“You have meetings in the morning,” I replied. “That’s what you do. That’s a sacrifice you make for being the boss. The point is to make your employees or volunteers as successful as possible so that you’re as successful as possible.” You want to lift them up. You want to help them reach their goals. You should lead them to be as good, no, better than you.
I’ve wanted to be a lot of things in my life. A journalist, a teacher, and a designer are among the more prevalent. But the one thing that remains the same throughout is my desire to help others reach their dreams. I want to create environments where others succeed. I want my job description to simply read “empower.”
And in the end, isn’t that what a leader does?
So, I’m thinking it’s not so bad to be working so hard if I remember these things. In fact, I feel like I need to be working a lot harder, if not smarter. But that’s another discussion all together. Nevertheless, I’m going to make the commitment to take more time for myself, my friends, and my family – publicly, here on this blog – so that I become accountable to the promise I’ve made to myself.
In the meantime, if someone wants to give me the key to changing the world, or if you simply want to introduce me to Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, I very much doubt that I’ll reply “I’m just not up for it.”
17 replies on “Life as a Gen Y leader – week eleven”
[…] Modite is another young business blog based in Wisconsin. The blog, run by Rebecca Thorman, a self-proclaimed Gen Y Leader shares , details the authors thoughts on leadership and the workaday world for those with a “quarter life crisis”. Her bio describes her association with Madison and her position as such: Modite is a creation of Rebecca Thorman, a millennial living in Madison, Wisconsin. At 24 years old, Rebecca is the Executive Director of a young professional organization whose mission is to attract and retain young talent and leadership in order to contribute to the regions’ economic, civic, social, and public policy futures. […]
You touched on the key in your post, “working smarter”. I typically turn in 8-10 hour days on average. I’m sending e-mails by 6AM but I’m often shutting my laptop by 4:30 or 5:00PM each day. I work smart, not hard. My key to success has been making quick decisions with what little information I have. I’m often write but have been wrong before. In this arena, just don’t make the wrong decision that will end everything. Read “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell if you haven’t already. Deciphering the information you have in an instant is my key to success and it should be something in everyone’s arsenal.
With hopes you’ll pull through,
Styrofeen
Rebecca,
Hang in there, you’re on the right track, and you’re making the strong, difficult decisions that define you.
I’ve struggled with getting a handle on the ‘balance’ concept for years. Like you, I want it all and I’m not willing to settle for anything less. I want to change the world for myself and my family (chosen family included of course).
In a typical week I work about 50-60 hours for my ‘career,’ between 10 and 20 for my non-profit organization, at least 10-20 on my personal projects. Somewhere in there I manage to spend time with my family (blood and chosen), and study for the seminary I’m enrolled in.
It makes my life very busy, as I’m sure you understand. I really sympathize with your “I’m just not up for it” feelings. The honest answer I have to give you though, is that just as you tell people you sacrifice your preference as a leader, to empower your employees, you need to sacrifice your ‘not being up to it’ for the health of your family and friends.
When you get the urge to say “I’m not up to it” say instead, “Lets plan something that doesn’t require any work or thought.” The truth is, whatever it is you aren’t up for, can probably be turned into something you don’t have to be ‘up’ to enjoy.
I don’t go out because I’ve often been out of the house for 14 hours already and I want to be home. So my family and friends come over and we share a meal or watch a DVD. Meet your needs, but find a way to meet your needs and the desires of your personal life at the same time.
@ Styrofeen – This is great advice. I think that I often wait on things when I should just go for it. I’ve been trying to work more in “batches” which helps, but now I need to kick the addiction of checking my email every 5 seconds. That’s such a time waster!
@ theo – I’ve never thought about things that way before, and I really appreciate you bringing this up. Since I’ve always been high-key, I think I don’t want to disappoint my friends, but managing expectations and saying let’s do something “low-key” tonight sounds like a fabulous idea – thanks!
Rebecca,
Unfortunately I’m not writing to give you advice or provide the answer to an age old question, “Why isn’t there enough time in the day?”
I’m simply writing to say I can empathize with you.
I can share with you some of my tactics for keeping my sanity:
1. Prioritize – If your boss gives you multiple assignments force him/her to prioritize the work. If they refuse, make your own decisions.
2. To Do List – This goes hand in hand with prioritization and breaking projects down into smaller more manageable sub projects. I always feel much more accomplished when I can check something off as complete; it’s a small victory each day!
3. Limit Pointless Meetings – I get invited to several meetings each day which forces me to evaluate the importance of each one. Don’t find your self sitting in a one hour meeting wishing you were somewhere else.
4. Put off today what can be done tomorrow – This might sound like a procrastinator’s mentality but I mainly kick this motto into effect on Friday. I’m not working late on Friday no matter what; especially since whatever I complete is not going to be looked at until Monday or Tuesday the following week.
5. Remember to laugh – After all, everyone eats their boogers anyway.
Well, I guess this did sort of turn in to an advice/self-help post…sorry.
bye bye
~T
I had a mentor once who would always say the best things when I was discouraged. These are a few that stuck:
You can do anything, just not yet.
We’re broken, so we think we can’t do it. But we’re gonna fix the world anyways because broken is all we got.
You’ll get sleep in six months – this {insert task that contributes to others} is more important.
There’s nothing wrong with working hard, just check in with yourself from time to time and see who it is you’re working hard for. If it’s you, your goals, what’s important to you, then you’re on the right track. Otherwise it may be time to change course.
I like ‘work smart, not hard’. It’s been my mantra for a while now.
There is no balance. Balance implies 50-50 and there is no 50-50 with work and everything else. The concept of “balance” is talked about a lot, but it just isn’t there.
Instead, there are the choices we make with our time. Sometimes, 80% of that is working a learning curve on a new position and trying to figure enough out to contribute. Sometimes, 100% is caring for an ailing family member. Sometimes, 100% is being away and on vacation.
It is choices, not balance.
For me, the key question to ask is this one: Is the choice I am making right now with my time the right choice for me? If it is, you are in balance. If not, you’re not in balance.
Hang in there — it may not seem like it, but progress is being made. Smart helps versus just working hard. Being more productive helps. But are you doing the work right now because the choice is the right one for you right now? Only you can answer that, but methinks yes.
I’m happy to reply to this post. Mainly because it gives me a chance to frame a discussion around my favorite word of all time… “balance.” I couldn’t disagree with Scot more, there is a balance. The term isn’t meant to equate to 50/50, rather an equalled sense of various aspects of one’s life.
For some, that balance might be 90/10.
But it does indeed all come back to balance. What a great word. Seriously, is there a more applicable word than balance? With all due respect to John Lennon, all you need is balance. Everything else follows.
First, let’s start off with the obvious. You’re not crazy. Far from it. You’re overly self-aware. There’s a difference. I know, I’m in the same category. Us overly self-aware folk go through life trying to find – you guessed it – balance. Always elusive, balance seems unobtainable at times. We self analyze – asking ourselves seemingly insane questions in the hopes that the answers will lead us closer to contentment. If we’re doing well personally, we seek contentment through our work, or vise versa. It’s a never ending quest. And like all good balancing acts, it’s not a matter of balancing on the tightrope, you’re already doing that, it’s a matter of not falling because we suddenly realize how far up we are.
You’re obviously passionate about your work. You’re successful at what you do, so run with that. No need to make adjustments there. So you find yourself working a crazy day/week/month. That’s not insanity, it’s just your life right now. As you pointed out, it isn’t always convenient, but, you know how to self-adjust. You know how to recognize when your life slips out of balance and you’re spectacular at putting yourself back on track (do you feel the positive vibes here?).
Okay, the other point I’d make is on the personal aspect of your life. I’ll tread lightly here, since I know people don’t like to hear such blunt feedback on their personal lives.
I have a theory. I was telling a date about this the other night and I got the crazy eyes from her as I carried her through my flawless analogy. Really, it’s flawless, the crazy eyes were completely uncalled for. When I was able to conclude the theory, she agreed in it’s simplistic genus.
My entire life is like a train. (Are you sporting a pair of crazy eyes? Bare with me here.)
I’m the train. The train is representative of my personality and my general makeup as an individual. I have my baggage cars (don’t we all), people cars (where I carry all my friends and family along for the ride) and a fine caboose (okay, I didn’t say that, waaaaaay too cheesy), but let’s face it most people check it out. We can’t deny the wandering eye. But, let’s move on…
The track mediates the scenery. I’m on track. I know that. But what I’m still working on is the speed to which I cruse along. Go too fast and I keep people from boarding or even worse, derail. Go too slow and I’m not getting where I want to be. It’s a simple adjustment, but since there’s no speedometer on this train, I have to rely on my sense of speed to guide me.
People may come and go, and this allows me to change tracks on occasion. But I’m able to press on because I know, overall, I’m a happy guy. Positive outlook, confident enough to compromise my life sometimes, and still remaining on track.
No introductions necessary, you have all that you need. Press on.
The world is saved and mr/miss right is reveled when we find ourselves traveling along at a balanced speed. That’s my theory anyway…
Rebecca,
I feel your pain. I am used to being able to balance work, newly wed life and a strong healthy social life. But the more that I want to succeed and break away from the corporate ladder, the more time I lose to do the fun things in life. Waking at 6 to get emails done before work, using lunch breaks to catch up on things that are firewalled at work and contact prospects instead of enjoying a sandwich with a friend have become the norm. Meetings have become an every evening thing.
But it is a sacrifice that I make to have the feeling and acceptance that I can be successful in starting my own company. But hey a few beers on a Friday night with the gang might not be a bad idea afterall.
Ah, the age old balance conversation. It never quite ends, does it? I don’t know if I have the key or not, but I am really into the idea of adding value to others. It may not be through your “job” – or it may. But I really think that in the end, if you want to live a life that matters, do things that matter to other people.
Some days, that may mean you don’t stop going until your head hits the pillow. Some days, that may mean you take a “break” form it all so you have something poured into you or so you have time for amental break. I think that’s really critical too. To not see yourself as the top of the chain, and also to be able to stop everything to focus on being a healthy, whole person.
We’re a lot alike. We don’t just burn both ends of the candle. In fact, that metaphor doesn’t really work. It’s more like a bonfire of passion and activity – no ends, no candle-like linear lines. And that’s exciting, but it’s also exhausting. So I’ve decided I need a new metaphor. In fact, I think I’m going to blog about it. :)
Hope you are able to take some time for you this week!
@ Timmy D – These are great tips and suggestions – and you made me laugh – thanks! I particularly like limiting pointless meetings and the concept of managing up with your boss.
@ Milena – wow. You’re mentor sounds awesome. Loved those quotes – thank you!
@ Scott Williamson – You’re right. it’s essential to check in with yourself every once in awhile. That’s what I had to do and realize that I was working towards good. It was a great reminder!
@ Scot Herrick – Interesting way to think about it…. Dan makes an interesting reply as well. I think working towards some sort of balance is important to me. I appreciate your belief that I’ll make it through no matter what though! ;)
@ Dan Merfeld – You’re so good at saying exactly what I don’t say! I am overly self-aware, and I do need to mediate myself on the track. Great comment, as usual. Thank you!
@ Greg – so glad others feel my pain. It’s nice to know I’m not suffering alone :)
@ Tiffany – I completely agree. It’s good to be able to step back and realize that to have it all, it’s okay to do it all, including having time for yourself and friends and family. Looking forward to your post about it!
[…] I write about how difficult the process of becoming a leader is, the problems I’ve had transitioning, how life is just plain hard sometimes, to illustrate that once your find your passion it’s not all about birds chirping and bunny rabbits frolicking. […]
[…] My friend Belle is my best friend, and recently, we’ve been having a hard time relating. […]
[…] Big Brother was the moderator of the panel, and I had seen him vaguely in the press, but never in person. After the event, we somehow managed to walk out at the same time. He said hello to me, in that special way he has, gleaming with charisma. […]
[Warning: Self-promotional efforts follow.]
Rebecca,
Here in Wisconsin, we’ve recently designed and launched a new website for use by modern urbanites. You’re warmly invited to take a look.
JoinVite.com was created to provide its members with the opportunity to post their plans and event-ideas in a secure environment, so that the postings can only be seen by their designated friends, and only for as long as the author wishes. (Think of it as a kind of blog, that’s attached to a calendar, and is customized for each reader.) And the system doesn’t create any unwanted e-mail messages, because the “invitations” can only be viewed when members log in.
If you’re trying to plan a party, or a date, or need to make sure that someone receives your message, this obviously won’t work for you. But if (for whatever reason) you’ve already decided not to call, e-mail, or text someone with a particular idea, then JoinVite.com offers a “better than nothing”, non-intrusive alternative.
For example, my plan for this evening has turned out to be sitting at home watching today’s Netflix delivery. Not too exciting, and nothing I’m going to call other people about. But if I post it to JoinVite.com, any friends of mine (whom I select) can see the posting and respond if they choose. In any event, when the evening ends, the invitation disppears from view. (And if I get a better offer, I can always manually-delete the posting at any time.)
Or, if I decide at 8:00pm that I might want to go out for pre-work coffee tomorrow morning, I can post this event-idea to JoinVite.com, and tell any interested friends to call me around 7:00 in the morning. If 7:00am rolls around and someone calls, great; if no one does, that’s fine too, and I can keep or adjust my plans however I wish.
This site, being new, doesn’t have any sizable number of members yet. Got any ideas for how to reach lots of Modites?
Thanks for reading,
http://www.joinvite.com
Rebecca,
I’m with Scott on this…choice–plus a practical addition. If the conversation of balance stays in our heads, it stays intellectual and we don’t actually do anything about it.
So what’s a practice you can put in place that will have you check in with yourself?
One possible practice (I couldn’t leave well enough alone, could I?) is to simply ask yourself a question or two:
Does this choice align me with my purpose/vision?
Does this choice honor who I am (values, always values)?
Put it on a post-it-note and stick it to your forehead. That way, others will be able to remind you too… :-)
Lisa