When I got sick, one of the first things I had to do to get better was learn to give myself shots in the stomach. The very first time I had to do it, I sat on a hospital bed with Johannes across from me and the nurse beside me, and I cried. And when I say cried, I mean I bawled harder than I have ever bawled in my adult existence. My whole body heaved with the impossibility of the task.
Johannes sat cringing next to me. He had just spent four years studying to be a doctor, and for him, this was like opening your eyes in the morning. For me, it was like the nightmares I have where I’m falling and don’t know where I’ll land. It was pure terror.
I couldn’t do it. The nurse left the room, and Johannes looked at me with disgust.
And then.
And then, something inside me flipped. I stopped crying. The nurse came back in. She handed me the needle, and I did it. As simple as pushing a button into the button hole, I pushed the needle into my stomach. And when I got home, I had to lie on my couch and do it every night all alone, and I did it then too.
After this, there were several more visits to the ER, an eventual surgery, and when it was all done, when it was finally all finished, I felt euphoric. Euphoria enveloped me for all that I had been through; for all that I had fought against and won.
You have to work hard, and sometimes you have to gloriously muck something up to be really successful later. Why we’re always so afraid of conflict, diversity, adversity has never made sense to me. I have no patience for people who are sanctimoniously happy all the time. It means they haven’t taken enough risks.
Success is directly related to how hard you push yourself.
I write about how difficult the process of becoming a leader is, the problems I’ve had transitioning, how life is just plain hard sometimes, to illustrate that once you find your passion it’s not all about birds chirping and bunny rabbits frolicking.
Of course, that’s part of it; right now, for instance, I am really excited. I just had a great meeting with those in my organization. We’re getting closer and closer to rocking out. You know, like, the lip-singing-dancing-around-the-living-room-jumping-for-joy kind of rocking out. But in a Board Room.
And that makes me happy. Especially because I worked hard to prepare for that meeting. Really hard. Our database hates me with a vengeance hard. Sixteen or seventeen meetings a week hard. Like, my apartment is messy an hour after I clean it hard.
I generally spend every waking moment thinking and acting on how we’re going to rock it. So when things go well, that feeling of euphoria – of happiness to the point of enlightenment – is because I’ve pushed myself farther than I’ve ever gone before. Just like when I was sick.
So, it’s hard. And it’s work. And sometimes it’s pure terror. But that’s passion in a nutshell. You wake up and you can’t imagine doing anything else. You do it because there is no other way to be.
26 replies on “What passion looks like”
I love this post. I can’t stand shots and I can’t imagine having to do that but, I understand passion. I look for it in others and do my best to harness the passion I have everyday. I can’t imagine not working, not leading or not blogging, it would drive me crazy!
Thanks for sharing your struggle and your passion.
@ Brandon – Thanks for your comment. I’m glad that you enjoyed the post. And it’s actually a great ability to not only recognize passion in others but to effectively harness it in yourself so good job! :)
Modite , I appreciate this post because you somehow clearly expressed that passion is raw emotion no matter how you slice it. I strongly agree passionately working hard at something you love is not from everything being nice, neat, clean surrounded with sunshine and bunnies. Sometimes you have to get dirty. On occasion I encounter people that just don’t get my passion for what I do. I feel badly for them. Great post.
@ Recruitnik – Thanks so much. I’m glad to hear that others are passionate and get the rawness factor.
I thought we had a great meeting as well last night. You did a GREAT job at preparing and facilitating. It’s really exciting to see how Magnet is growing. I’m glad to be a part of it. Thanks!!!
Ha, I think you just described my worst nightmare….or have you seen previews for the new movie where the guy is feeling everything during surgery but can’t wake up to tell the doctors. Why the hell would somebody make a movie about that?
While reading your post I’m reminded of a childhood friend that taught me to deal with pain. We were probably in third grade and on a hike in the wilderness near his parent’s cabin in Wisconsin.
We were barefoot and about to embark on what seemed like an impossible journey across a gravel road, I hesitated as the thought of the rocks digging into my bare feet engulfed my mind. My friend on the other hand plowed ahead without a second thought.
As he reached the other side he turned around to notice that I hadn’t yet begun my journey. I asked him how he could cross without feeling the pain and he declared, “There are people in the world feeling much more pain then this!”
I took it to heart and crossed that road without flinching.
Fast forward to 25, as I encounter problems/pain in my life on a daily basis I think back to my childhood journey and cross that road with the fearlessness of a third grader!
Well, having shattered my hip at the age of 20 and having to re-learn how to walk, I know what it’s like to just have to ‘cowboy up” (as one nurse told me) and take care of things. It got to the point where I would draw my own blood in the morning for the nurses I had come to the house to check my blood thinner levels (fun fun!) Keep on keepin’ on!
@ Josh – Thank you :) It’s great because you all are great!
@ Timmy D- I love your story. It’s amazing how kids can be so observant and intelligent sometimes! I have not seen that movie preview, but I don’t watch movies like that – scary! Thanks for the comment.
@ Norcross – Ouch! “Cowboy up” is such a great term. I know all about the drawing blood thing. I’m with ya! Glad you got through it ;)
Hey! I didn’t look at you with disgust. It was loving concern, you just blatantly misinterpreted it, per usual. You’re so paranoid, and I’m so sweet!
@ Johannes – Okay… sure ;)
Success = monetize your passion
;)
Shots in the stomach = no fun. I’ll have to pass on that one.
[…] What do you think of when you envision pursuing your life’s passion? Do you think that “once you find your passion it’s all about birds chirping and bunny rabbits frolicking”, as Rebecca at modite.com put it? Read Rebecca’s story, and learn that pursuing your passion is a dirty, messsy, terrifying, painful, wonderful, rocking experience. […]
Not too keen on the ‘looked at with disgust’ part, but the rest is pretty terrific.
when i was 9 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child, i developed a blood clot that ran from my groin down to my ankle. then, during my hospital stay to resolve the clot, i found out that i had a clotting condition called factor five leiden, which predisposes a person, to blood clots. in order to get rid of the clot and to be able to continue my pregnancy, i had to inject myself, in the stomach, three times a day, with the blood thinner called heparin. the first few times, i sat, stared at the shot in my hand and sobbed. eventually though, i got the hang of it, and the courage…and it became second nature.
once my daughter was born, i still had to do the shots for a few more months and then was switched to an oral blood thinner. i was told that, if i ever decided to get pregnant again, i would have to do the heparin, again.
well, guess what…i went on to have another baby and another round of injecting myself in the stomach. i must be crazy…
get well and take care! it gets better, really…the shots in the tummy…you get used to it!
@ Dan – yes, trying with that one :)
@ Greg – good choice!
@ Bill – yes, Johannes is not very nice to me sometimes… ;)
@ Melissa- Oh so painful and similar to my plight! Without the pregnancy bit though, and I don’t have to do it anymore. This was all last year. You definitely get used to it, and it’s strange to think of what you can conquer once you do.. ;) Glad you and your children are healthy!
One thing I like about you is that you are always pushing yourself, but you’re human about it. You’re not afraid to admit that it hurt, or was difficult, or made you cry. Sometimes I really envy you in your determination and bravery. I wish I could move across the country (but I can’t because my husband is in graduate school). I wish I had a job. But one thing I really get out of your writing is hope that at some point, if I keep trying, I’ll get somewhere.
i love your website – it’s so passionate, honest and real. i particularly like what you said about life and risk taking:
“Why we’re always so afraid of conflict, diversity, adversity has never made sense to me. I have no patience for people who are sanctimoniously happy all the time. It means they haven’t taken enough risks.
Success is directly related to how hard you push yourself.”
that’s what life is about – pushing yourself, stepping outside your comfort zone (which isn’t always fun) and challenging how you live your life to get the most out of it
[…] Rebecca Thorman “So, it’s hard. And it’s work. And sometimes it’s pure terror. But that’s passion in a nutshell. You wake up and you can’t imagine doing anything else. You do it because there is no other way to be.” […]
Isn’t it great to be able to recognize the fear in our life and turn it into passion? I’m becoming more and more aware of what I’m passionate about and am excited to pursue those things. Is it all enjoyable? Nope, terrifying at times and I feel like a failure others, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s all of that mixed together that drives me to do what I love.
Continue to pursue the passion. Let it drive you, especially when you think you can’t handle it anymore.
[…] Maybe it’s related directly to what you’re doing now. Or maybe you start a group of co-workers to green the workplace practices of your employer. Or you meet with your co-workers after work and discover what they believe could be improved, and then improve it. Or you could develop and manage an informal mentoring program within the company. You define your success. True fulfillment isn’t created by your employer, anyway. It’s created when you push yourself. […]
[…] Maybe it’s related directly to what you’re doing now. Or maybe you start a group of co-workers to green the workplace practices of your employer. Or you develop a set of best practices for your peers. Or you could develop and manage an informal mentoring program within the company. You define your success. True fulfillment isn’t created by your employer, anyway. It’s created when you push yourself. […]
[…] 5) Acceptance: Most important I feel is acceptance. I put myself in this situation so I can’t be upset with anyone. I know it will make me a better accountant and I know it will end eventually. Accepting that you will be really busy will help you plan and deal with it when it comes. Besides if its your passion, you pushing yourself is a must. […]
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[…] Enron and Madoff are no match for the almost hermetic happiness that now protects the Nation. It’s not sugar-coated like the self-help decade of the nineties. Nor does it resemble the maudlin contentment of the shut-eyed fifties. Instead, it’s a cheerfulness that smiles next to adversity. […]