“What did you do today?”
I cried like a druggie in rehab pleading with God and my dead father to help me. Also, I slept. Tried to sleep. To ignore. To escape. Between sleeping and crying, I tried to be normal.
“Nothing much, I ran some errands,” I replied on a Saturday night out at the bar, trying to be normal. Going out with friends for the first time in a long time. Friends that were good enough to forget that I ignored them for the past eight months. Because that’s what happens when I’m in a relationship.
Everyone likes me better when I’m single. If you lined up the town and asked them to raise their hands when they saw a cool person, and then presented Me, In a Relationship and Me, Single, the hands would most assuredly go up the second round, and I would raise my hand in line with the rest. I’m not good in a relationship. Perhaps because I don’t think I am, and perhaps because it never really mattered before now. Because when you date assholes, you can be a bitch right back. So dating a good guy is a complete shock in terms of how to act and how to behave and how to live.
So of course you push this cool person down the same worn-in path as before, and as you go, you look around and know that the two of you don’t belong there.
And I am angry that the Universe could present me with such a being when I’m not primed. I’m not prepared.
It’s not that I don’t feel worthy, exactly. But that I never saw myself with someone so all-American, so normal, so right. Because my life was messed up the moment my father died, and surely God doesn’t think I’m ready for a life that isn’t messed up. Surely, I should keep punishing myself. I am not ready for such greatness. Surely, I am not ready to lead a normal life yet, with barbeques and endless cuddling and television. Life is jaded. Always and forever. This will never heal.
Being single, it doesn’t matter. But being in a relationship – the good kind, at least – brings all this other responsibility. And I don’t really care for all that. To care about someone so deeply and they just might up and leave, or want you, or die, or get sick, or let you down, or need you, or care about you back. I get anxious. So anxious I can’t breathe.
Okay, so I have issues. The kind that should be capitalized and underlined, and you should take note of it.
But I’m working on that, and back to Saturday night, I declared that it was the beginning of “New Rebecca!” exclamation point, let’s take another shot, done and done. I was fabulous. I smiled and was totally level-headed and ingratiated myself back to the good side of the Universe through two hipster bars, three slices of bacon, spinach and yellow-tomato pizza, and a pair of four-inch heels. Cue the soundtrack as the shot pans up and fades out. Walk out of the theater with a happy ending. It was fun and I laughed.
Sunday morning, I got up and cleaned the wine bottles from the counter, threw away someone else’s cigarettes, and vacuumed the dirt from the corner. And somewhere in between, I found a little bit of normal.
31 replies on “Trying isn’t good enough”
Okay here’s the deal. We’ve all been here. At least I know I have.
Every single relationship I’m in, somebody falls to the wayside. With Kevin and Justin, it was my parents. With Mike, it was my best friend, who was dating his brother. Dating is messy. It’s a fact of life.
But I’m also a firm believer that the one guy who’s going to make it in my world, the one who can keep up, won’t lead me to push my friends to the outer limits. He’ll love my family, and my friends won’t suffer when I’m with him.
I’m also being thrown men when I’m not ready. Seemingly harmless men, men that I will probably kick myself later for not giving a chance, but I’m not ready. I am moving. And then I’m starting my career. I choose to surround myself with men that I know don’t want me. My gay friends. It’s a safe escape until I’m ready. Maybe I have issues because I want to escape a shot at love right now.
Regardless, you’re right. Relationships take effort, effort that I don’t have to be throwing at some guy right now. I have maxxed out the effort that I can distribute. I need to spend some time with family before I move cross-country. I need to separate myself from the people who aren’t going to give a shit when I leave. I need to actually do the moving, finding the place, and starting the new job.
Vulnerable? We all are. You’ll get there. We always do.
And PS, wine and pizza can cure nearly anything. Good choice. :)
Beautifully written Rebecca. Relationships are hard and we are all screwed up, just in different ways. Feel loved: you are.
I agree- It’s a lot easier to be single than to deal with the pressure of having to maintain a great relationship. The optimistic/hopeless romantic side of me thinks that there is a guy out there who won’t make being in love such a monotonous task. Then the bitter/cynical side of me remembers all of my exes. Ugh. So I just stay single. [Plus, it’s kind of nice to do things MY way.]
Glad you found normal. It’s not an easy thing to do!
Rebecca, this is such a brave post and I truly admire you for having the courage to post it. It’s funny how some of us end up posting on similar topics at the same time. I just wrote a post this weekend about how this past year has been the longest year of my life. For me, it wasn’t my own relationship that complicated things, it was other people’s relationships, among other things. I don’t know how, but I made it through.
Anyway, back to you…a few things: first, “normal” is subjective. If you’re happy, if you feel like you’re putting your life back together, that’s way more important than normal. Second, it’s great that you can recognize the differences between yourself in a relationship and yourself single. Now, can you use that knowledge to make things better in the future? Lastly, and probably most importantly, you are stronger than you know, and even if it’s hard for you to believe, you deserve happiness. Beautiful post!
Every perfectionist I’ve ever known suffers from an impostor complex. It rears its ugly head at the most inopportune moments, and it won’t shut up with the “You’re not worthy!” and the “You will fail!” and “You’ll be found out!” wails. It sucks.
So I don’t know if I’m projecting here right now but it sure sounds like that happens to you and all I can say is you deserve good. K?
Good stuff Rebecca. I wish I had something more prolific and eloquent to say, but I don’t. Honest and genuine post that came from the heart – those are ALWAYS the best kind. The greatest writers write from the soul, that’s what you’ve done here. Glad I came by to read.
Keep the faith girl. The hardest part of any relationship is taking it for what it is without forcing it to fit into any/all of ones from the past.
I have a constant battle between falling into what I know (and expect) and keeping it growing and changing with new eyes and mind.
@ Sydney – Thanks so much. It’s good to hear of others in similar situations, and I like how you describe when you know you’ll have found the right person. I really appreciate the support.
@ Sheri – Isn’t that the truth… thanks for reminding me : )
@ Paige – I have such a hopeless romantic side, it’s ridiculous. I think everything should be like the movies and become greatly disappointed when it’s not… thanks for the comment!
@ Sam – Normal is subjective, good point. I guess I too define it as being happy, and I haven’t been happy at all. I do hope that I can make things better in the future… thanks for the support and advice!
@ Maggie, dammit – I am such a perfectionist, imposter, yes, all of that. I know that I deserve good, but dang if it isn’t ridiculously hard. Ha. Thanks for the comment : )
@ Matt – Thanks for kind words and support. I appreciate it.
@ greymous – I love the second sentence as that is exactly what I struggle with. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Rebecca! It feels so wrong for me to read something as difficult and heart-wrenching as this, and for my second thought to be “that’s fabulous writing.” But it is. You’ve found a way to put this inexplicable place you’re in into words, which is an amazing gift for your readers, and, I suspect, for yourself.
As you know, after a couple of decades spent chasing down “normal,” I’m not a big fan of it. It’s way overrated. I hope you can keep diligently trying to locate, instead, that person YOU ARE, and then continue to present her honestly and proudly to the world—whether you’re single or in a relationship, at work or play, with people who love you or people who don’t really know you. (In fact, I’ll even say a prayer for that.)
So eloquent and beautifully written! Thank you for sharing what som many people are afraid to say. Bravo for your bravery and wisdom in dealing with this hard situation.
And as far as normal- this is normal, if it didn’t hurt and you didn’t cry after 8 months, then you could question normalcy!
Hang in there. You are ready for greatness!
This is a fantastic post. I have to admit, it’s so nice to see some raw writing out here in blogland; a good change from the disconnected “here’s how it is” matter-of-fact writing that’s so common these days.
I feel like when you meet someone truly good for you one of the biggest struggles you’ll face is that feeling of being unworthy. You’ve gone for so long working through a pile of pain that when life starts to feed you what seems to be the end of that pain it’s confusing and unexpected and all you can think is, “This can’t be it, there has to be more.”
In time you’ll get used to the “normalcy” and greatness of your relationship, and hopefully you won’t take it for granted like so many of us do. It sounds like your life leading up to now has carved a path for you that won’t let you do that. It sounds like you’re in a spot to observe and respect what you have and make the best of your relationship, and in that you can rebuild your friendships, too.
No one’s perfect. We all have problems. Working through them is what counts.
@ Kristen – I have to say I often don’t understand why the best writing comes out of extreme hardship. That good writing – fiction or otherwise, is predicated on conflict. Anyway, thanks so much for the support. You rock and if you’re praying for me, life must turn out good ; )
@ Kati – Thank you for the comment and kind words. It was extremely hard for me to post this (or re-post it as it was), and I appreciate the support. A lot.
@ Teresa – Your second paragraph really resonated with me. I can’t even tell you how much. I always feel like there should be more and maybe even a bit unworthy and it’s a big icky cycle. I agree that working through them – because problems never end – is what counts. Thanks!
What a beautiful and honest post, Rebecca. It is great to see something so raw and honest – it must certainly be hard to write this and put yourself out there. All i can say is keep writing just like this, because you have a gift of authenticity that we can all connect to.
I can actually sympathize. I’m in a serious relationship, and actually after a few months after we started dating, everything turned out to be absolutely amazing. It seemed like there was no way I could have deserved it, because it was just too good to be true. I had no idea that relationships could actually be so…perfect, and I’d always expected relationships fraught with more pain, confusion, fighting, etc. And at the same time, the guy was (and is) amazing. So good of a person in fact, and so smart and dedicated and talented, that I ended up often feeling inadequate. What did I do to deserve that?
It was definitely a struggle to actually accept that I had a great guy and relationship, and that I did deserve it. The fact is, it sounds like you have something that’s truly worth it. Don’t miss out on it by beating yourself up like this. We all deserve great relationships so you have to stop questioning all the bad things that could happen, and stop punishing yourself. You just sometimes have to let go of all those inhibitions and let yourself fall in love, because it’s something worth putting yourself on the line for.
“But being in a relationship – the good kind, at least – brings all this other responsibility. And I don’t really care for all that. To care about someone so deeply and they just might up and leave, or want you, or die, or get sick, or let you down, or need you, or care about you back. I get anxious. So anxious I can’t breathe.”
This helped put a lot of things into perspective for me about my current relationship. She told me awhile back that she didn’t like who she was when she was in a Relationship (capital R), that she couldn’t take the responsibility. I couldn’t understand what the difference was between what we were/are doing, and what it would become as a Relationship, since it felt similarly to me. She too has dealt with severe loss, several, and she doesn’t like to let people in. It’s hard to stand by, being the ‘good guy’ lover, knowing that history, knowing the mistreatment, and not being given the full chance you’d given others less worthy in your life. We’re a little more complicated, since bottom line is I’m a girl and her life isn’t planned for that… But I guess this just helped me understand more of where she’s coming from. Thank you.
It’s so interesting how relationships are a thing that, in many ways, are so tied to the self-defining process, even though (or maybe because) they’re so much about other people, too.
A relationship can define us, for better or for worse. A relationship begun or ended can help us start the process of redefining ourselves. And a truly great relationship can help us discover or bring out or proclaim the truest definition of ourselves.
Something about intimacy really brings this definitive element of relationships to the forefront. I really think that’s what makes relationships so valuable. But also, it’s what makes the stakes so high.
@Akhila – Thanks, hun. I used to write much more like this when I first started my blog, but have since gotten swept up into other things. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experience. It’s really helpful to hear of other people who have gotten past and triumphed over their challenges.
@ the girl Riot – Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m glad the post helped you because that’s the only reason I put it out there, so we can all learn from each other. I hope things work out for you!
@ Tiffany – That – as always – is a great revelation. Relationships do help you find yourself in much the same way jobs do. These are life experiences that define who you are and a little tweaking in how we approach them because of that is mighty helpful.
Rebecca, I am always impressed at the eloquent way you are able to write about things, even things as painful and immediate as what you are going through.
I COMPLETELY relate to the feeling of not liking yourself when you’re in a relationship. That was true for me in every relationship I was in until my current one. I hated that I’d ditch my friends, change my interests, sacrifice things…
And then I met Ian, and instead of hating who I am in a relationship, I like who I am better now than I did when I was single or when I was with someone else. He balances me out, which is good, because as wonderful as he is, I don’t feel undeserving. I know that I balance him out too; we deserve each other.
So think of it that you met someone who was fantastic, but maybe you guys didn’t balance out quite right. And then get excited about the fact that after you’re done hurting and healing, you get to go find someone who’s just as fantastic AND balances you, someone who you get to be equally fantastic for.
And feel free to call me if you need someone to go get a drink with. ;)
Thank you for sharing such an amazing, beautifully written post. I read your blog often but don’t always comment – I felt compelled to write today and just say THANK YOU. I know it takes a lot to put this level of emotion and depth out there for the world to read, judge and critique. Kudos to you for sharing your vulnerability with all of us – we are the better for it.
This could not have been easy to publish, but thank you for doing so.
I hope you find whatever clarity you need. And maybe just by putting this out there, you feel better. =)
I do have to point this part out, though:
Surely, I should keep punishing myself. I am not ready for such greatness. Surely, I am not ready to lead a normal life yet, with barbeques and endless cuddling and television. Life is jaded. Always and forever. This will never heal.
I think this is hauntingly beautiful. And, I know, I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Thanks for articulating that.
This post was beautifully written, as others have said, as well.
I’m so glad you re-published this. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. And strong. And please keep trying. Your spirit is too wonderful to not be shared with someone else.
Sending lots of good thoughts your way!
isn’t it amazing how this feeling of unworthiness, of being wanted by someone else, connects people?
it’s not that we’re not confident of ourselves, we are, but deep down, inside this modern gen ys lies a deep feeling of insecurity as we’ve gone thru experiences of being left by our loved ones (by death, divorce, sucky r’ships etc) so much so that when we feel something can be permanent, or last for a long time, we feel like something must be amiss.
so i admit, i did feel this way back when i was in a relationship few months ago and i felt like i was the only one feeling like that! im really thankful u were able to share something so personal like this here. keep writing Rebecca, i love ur blog posts. :)
I’m so glad you re-posted this, and not just because I had the link to it in my most recent post! I empathize with this post SO much, yet I have not nearly had the trauma of losing a family member. In fact, I haven’t really had any severe trauma in my relational life. Yet I adhere to a very similar mindset. I am always attracted to a “destined for failure” relationship, because that seems to good to be real generally is. In so many other parts of my life I’m a die hard optimist, but when it comes to dating I am always looking for the other shoe to drop. Always waiting for that time that something will happen to screw everything up and then *poof* it’s gone. Thus my major sabotage efforts gear up and I’m out the door before they can hurt me.
Normal, I am so far from it. Heck, that’s why my branded tagline is “not-so-average girl-next-door” :) And I really worry for the poor fool who is just a nice, great guy who gets mixed up in the crazy that is me. I’m glad you were able to find a bit of normal in the absolute insanity of the abnormal for yourself, and wish you lots of good thoughts in the quest for breaking the mold you’ve lived in for these years. I’m working on the same.
{Insert my thoughts here}: Do we create this idea of normality in our mind, then say I will never or will definitely have that? What the hell is normal anyway?
I too, am echoing each reader that I’m happy you were brave and posted this. Honesty is raw and truth alone triumphs. Although it may not always be our brightest moments, they are still true, so no one can argue there.
I’m sometimes scared that when things start to go really well, that they won’t last. That it’s not me being undeserving but that I will fall back upon the past or assume something wrong is about to happen. Isn’t healthy. Isn’t right. It’s just what’s right now and I think you’re in the process of seeing and understanding that. Making the recognition for New Rebecca! is a step in the direction and I think you should be excited for it :) Thanks for sharing. We all have our shadows and secrets, human is beautiful.
Normal…eh, that’s funny. It reminds me of a book I came across once titled, “Everybody’s Normal Til You Get to Know Them”. I’ve never read it, but I think it’s probably true. We all have our crap, our issues, our messed up lives, or warped sense of reality. Maybe the first step is simply admitting that “Normal” is admitting our shortcomings. That’s one thing I’ve noticed you do very well on this blog. You have a tremendous sense of openness and try very hard to be transparent. I’m not sure many others in this world have the courage to do that.
Hi Rebecca–so many of your words in this post articulated things that I’ve felt. I’m so sorry you lost your father already. I’ve also thought about my mom’s death as an inflection point in my life, after which I’ve only known “messed up” as a basis for experience.
But surely the fact that you’re able to recognize that event’s impact on your life, and that you’re able to write about it so bravely and beautifully, testifies to some kind of healing. To echo others’ comments here I don’t know that “normal” exists, but I’m very grateful to read your dispatches from the abnormal!
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