Florida at Christmastime isn’t particularly warm, but it’s near tropical for Wisconsinites (of which I am finally one), so it is not the light breeze that causes my arms to hover close to my core while sitting at the pool. In fact, it is something that exists entirely in my head, and I have to consciously and decidedly lift my elbows and hands away from my hips and stomach towards the armrests so as to appear confident.
The right to be a woman, in the finest sense, relies on such confidence.
My two-piece bathing suit beguiles a certain flirtatious composure (it’s got polka dots), and at 5’8” (okay, 5’7” and a half) and 130 lbs, I wear it well. According to my original Illinois driver’s license, that identifying information hasn’t changed for ten years. I still weigh the same as I did in high school, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think I feel fat.
When I look at pictures of myself, I can see rationally that I am skinny, that I look skinny. That I am healthy, and I look healthy. That I am beautiful, and I look beautiful. Rationally, these are all facts that can be written and entered into evidence.
Quite irrationally, I can tell you that the daily struggle of being a woman is that my stomach expands when I eat, my thighs are big and my hips are large. I also worry about the backs of my arms, the portion of my leg directly underneath my butt, and the meeting place of my neck to the space underneath my chin.
Necessary qualifiers: I have an active lifestyle, I love to cook, I love to eat, I don’t read so-called women’s magazines and I usually love my biggest “flaws” – my thin lips, pale skin, imperfect nose and uneven eyebrows, thin fingernails, fine hair, big feet, small breasts, large rear. I’ve been known to run errands without make-up.
But I am looking in the mirror more often lately. Ryan says this to me, over Christmas vacation, while we sit in a high-rise condo that has a mirror on every wall and round every corner. There are a lot of mirrors here, I reply, but I know what he is talking about. He is worried about me, he says.
I don’t wonder at air-brushed models but the pre-teen girl walking down the street in West Palm Beach, dressed with too many inches exposed on her sapling thighs. Or the girls at the Philly wedding whose legs are the size of my arms and whose arms are the size of my wrists. Is this sickness? Disease? Good genes?
A couple mornings later, I spend too much time getting dressed considering I work for a start-up with a casual dress code. I dress up because I like to. I try not to stand out too much from my colleagues who wear jeans and sweatshirts by wearing a cotton t-shirt fabric scarf, or nice boots over leggings. I wear a lot of casual dresses with tights. I try to match the VPs (all men), but since there are no women executives, it’s difficult to know if I’ve got it right.
I could go on.
And then, on any given day, I read about why there are fewer women CEOs, that women are better CEOs, that women are less promising as candidates for promotion, that surgeons can now relocate fat from your thigh to your chest, that kids see housework as a women’s domain, just 4% of venture capital goes to women, wives earn more than their husbands, and just being a woman is a pre-existing condition in healthcare.
I find the truth somewhere, not in the piling up of research, like clothes discarded on my floor, but in accounts from real-life women, between the lines in their interviews, bluntly stated in their ethos, and shared and protected among friends.
“The truth is,” Joanne Lipman says, a former deputy managing editor at The Wall Street Journal and founding editor in chief of Condé Nast Portfolio magazine, “women haven’t come nearly as far as we would have predicted 25 years ago. Somewhere along the line, especially in recent years, progress for women has stalled. And attitudes have taken a giant leap backward.”
27 replies on “The Miseducation of a Woman”
I think your discussion of women’s issues make a nice counterpart to http://www.theartofmanliness.com and his discussion of men’s issues. You guys should do something together.
This is a reminder to review one of my favorite poems: Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou.
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
to be continued:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/phenomenal-woman/
@JohnO – Ha, I’ll take a peek at him. I seem to remember following his work when I was getting started.
@Thanh Lu – Ah, yes, that’s a popular one! Thanks for the reminder and sharing : )
I bet you’re going to get a lot of us chiming in with “I feel exactly the same way.” For me I had to struggle to find out what being a woman meant (grew up in a predominantly male household with mostly male friends), and then had to spend time figuring out what that meant in the work place. Even working for the same company the definition drastically changed from my DC location to Minneapolis. I also struggle with that it means to be healthy and be a woman. Every year the doctor gives me “that look” about my weight, but she’s not an expert in athletes. I have the body of a 3-sports-for 15-years athlete, and I wasn’t a runner. By my senior year in high school I was weight training with the football team and shot-put champion (who now trains for the Olympics). Even at my lowest weight my thigh was 26″ around, all muscle. People have smaller waist sizes than that. Who cares what I can press in the gym if it still comes across that I’m unhealthy. I don’t know how to make it fit…
Thanks for the great post Rebecca!
There is no time in history where women have gained recognition as that of the present. Frankly speaking, the furtherance of the generation of man has owed itself to the caring hands of women. :-)
Why no mention of how intelligent, articulate, generous, and interesting you are? I know I don’t get it because I am from Mars, but to me these things are your “cake”. Your looks are just the icing.
Keep up the great work!
@ Emily – Thanks for sharing your story; while I know rationally that other women are in the same spot, irrationally, it really helps to hear other stories : ) So, you’re comfortable with your body but feel others judge you? I’m curious how this plays out in your day-to-date life….
@ Walter – Hear, hear! Haha, thanks for the boost : )
@ Bret – Ahhh, yes. : ) For me, and I would gather most women, your looks play such a greater role than most men would imagine. There are days, weeks and sometimes months where I don’t care, but sometimes, like lately, I slip back down the slippery slope. Thanks for the kind words!
I see body issues creeping out all the time when I’m working with people – both men and women, and it seems to be one of those things that’s pushed under the carpet in preference for pretending that everything’s just fine.
We’re not quite as evolved as we’d like to believe, as everyone encounters these issues at some point.
I guess it’s natural in some ways (although the media don’t help) to pursue an idea of “healthy”, but it only when you open that up for yourself and see what your own expectations and beliefs are that you get to see how you’re really tying yourself up in knots.
I think that’s the trick, to follow a positive, enabling idea of “healthy” rather than one that limits, confines or takes away from your self-esteem.
One of these days we’ll nail it for good.
@ Steve – You’re right that it’s both men and women. I often wonder if it’s occasionally harder for men in this respect because women are unfortunately expected to have body issues, but men aren’t. The pressures are obviously difficult on both sides. I recently read somewhere that you can’t ignore such pressures (or body issues), but rather just remain mindful… kind of like what you said : )
You didn’t fully address the body image issues you seem to be dealing with. Do you think they are attributed to the overarching “female struggle” for perfection, despite the fact that you insist you accept, even like your flaws? The fact that you work in a highly male dominated start-up? Or a result of the media?
It seemed like you passed over this issue quite quickly!
@ Lindsey – Thanks for pushing me to go farther with this. I think it’s all of the above, which makes the pressure greater. I was feeling these issues long before working at a male-dominated start-up, but probably not as much in college. I really thought all the way through college that women were equal, but in the real world and in different jobs I had since graduation, I learned this wasn’t the case. That combined with the pressure of “looking good” from daily interactions, the media, etc. exacerbates the situation. As I mentioned to Bret above there are times I do accept and like my flaws, and times that I don’t. Most frustrating is I haven’t seen a reliable trend for when this occurs and when it doesn’t. If I knew, I might be able to focus easier on making it better…
Have you seen the TV ad where Ricky Gervais says that “famous people are just like us”, and then laughs hysterically and says, “except they’ve all changed their faces!!!”? It’s sadly true.
There’s nothing wrong with having shapely hips and backside–I wish I did. There’s nothing wrong with having normal sized breasts—I wish I did. Most breast implants are out of proportion for women’s bodies and don’t look real anyway! Breasts are not round on top.
There’s nothing wrong with having a normal sized mouth and beautiful smile! Think about the women who have had their lips injected and now cannot see their feet! Their lips don’t move when they speak and they look like they were stung by a bee. That’s truly ugly when it’s not natural to your face structure.
Your face is a perfect combination of features to create what makes you unique and beautiful.
I agree that everyone has things they wish were different (because no one is perfect—whatever this decade’s belief of what perfection is). Strive for health, not the sickly, near starvation, boney-look. That is what a normal 12 year old girl looks like before entering puberty. Celebrate your uniqueness, not what you view as “imperfection” by today’s media standards. Be grateful for your body and beauty. To me, you are perfect.
I’m happy we are all different and unique. It makes it easier to tell us apart. Little Giggle.
Your third to last last paragraph, with all the contradictory facts, is so interesting to me. The idea that women make better CEO’s but are seen as less promising candidates, or the idea that a woman can go to work, outearn her husband, and then come home only to find that her children consider the housework to fall squarely within her purview.
Maybe it’s just proof that we really are pretty much just awesome at every single thing we do?
I also work in an almost all-male start up environment but for me, it’s been good, self image-wise. I remember working in a predominantly female office and agonizing over clothing choices, hair dos and an extra two pounds much more than I do now. I would never go back to that time and if I can, I’ll always try to work somewhere where there are a lot of men. They make me think about other things rather than how I look. Or maybe it’s because I’m too busy keeping up and proving myself to sweat the small (er, big… butt in my case) stuff.
Women are much more critical of other women, and their biggest critic is themselves. That last point will probably never change but perhaps over time, the previous one will – we need to support each other.
@ Linda/Mom – Thanks for being my best supporter and giving the best advice as always. Everyone should be so lucky to have a mom like you!
@ Parsing Nonsense – Haha, yes! I love that perspective. I think that’s also part of the issue, more seriously though. That we feel (and are expected) to do just about everything, and to do it well. Talk about weight!
@ Kasia – I agree, in many ways, working with mostly males has helped me; they really could care less, but I still worry anyway : ). I entirely agree with you that women need to support each other – always easier said than done. I hate the competitive aspect between women and wish there was a way to magically erase that. Thanks for commenting!
Rebecca,
I’m not quite sure how to put my thoughts into words at this moment but wanted to give you kudos for writing this post. As women, we struggle with these issues. We have ups and downs and days when we feel better about ourselves than others.
In our society today, it’s difficult to banish body issues when we are surrounded by images of celebrities whose bodies look perfect. I know that they must work their butts off for hours every day to look the way they do, and I would rather spend my time being with friends and family, reading, exploring, etc. than working out all day. (They also have people to cook for them, etc.)
As women, we do have to support each other and continue addressing these issues as opposed to keeping our thoughts bottled up.
Thanks again for allowing us to have this conversation. I guess I was able to express my thoughts somewhat after all. :)
Rebecca,
What a fabulous post! I totally agree with you on the miseducation of women. One of the things I have done to try to elevate the up-and-coming generation is to be a mentor to as many women as possible. I can’t stress enough how important that is for us “older gals” to do. We are blazing the way, but there has to be a strong path for our fellow women to follow!
Sharon Markovsky
http://www.sharonmarkovsky.com
@ Lindsey – Thanks for expressing your thoughts! I think the most important thing you bring up is that we have to support each other. I see too little of that and wish it were better.
@ Sharon – I love that you’re making the effort to be a mentor to as many women as possible – that’s so important and definitely helps tons of women! Kudos to you : )
[…] seesaw to rise towards the favored position. A year ago, however, I started working at Alice and Ryan and I started hitting our stride (both of which were not without challenges, however… many, many […]
I have been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and I have been very impressed. I love this topic and you make it very relevant and personal at the same time. I work in a male dominated field and I constantly feel the gender seperation, especially in terms of body image. I don’t think we have come as far as we hoped but I don’t see any reason to give up. I think it is within all of us to continue to challenge ourselves regarding these topics. Bringing this topic to light is a great way to get us back on track! Thanks for the great read.
Amber Sosa
Beautiful piece. Did you see the Economist cover last week? I wrote about it on my posterous last week. “We Did It,” it said, with Rosie’s determined mug. Simply because we have crossed the 50% threshold for women in the workplace (regardless of salaries, leadership, etc.).
Reading this with the fresh eyes of a brand new dad to a daughter, I am both comforted and worried.
Worried that my little girl will grow up in a world that had taken great strides for what it means to be a woman while still lacking the lights years of leaps needed to make things truly equitable.
Comforted that women like you are honest and provide one picture of what being informed, ambitious, and a leader can look like.
[…] The Miseducation of A Woman – Modite […]
This is one of your best posts yet! Great insight!
I know this is from some time ago, but I just clicked on your blog after seeing you around Brazen Careerist, and: this is such a beautiful, and true, and beautifully written post. Thanks for writing so candidly. I’m subscribing.
[…] Remember, I already know that I’m irrational. And even when I am walking down the street on a lovely summer day, comparing myself to every woman I pass, fat and thin, young and old, I try to concentrate on the good that has come out of my internal struggle, one I know I do not face alone. […]
[…] seesaw to rise towards the favored position. A year ago, however, I started working at Alice and Ryan and I started hitting our stride (both of which were not without challenges, however… many, many […]