Quick, which is more difficult – work or life?
Up until a year ago, both competed for my attention, each piling weight onto the seesaw to rise towards the favored position. A year ago, however, I started working at Alice and Ryan and I started hitting our stride (both of which were not without challenges, however… many, many challenges).
While working for a start-up demands hours, it demands more in mental energy, in spikes of time about as predictable as a bingo game, where the only invariable is that you know work will be stop and go. This means it’s often difficult to separate work and life, especially in the statuesque pursuit of balance, but while I used to recognize and promote blur, I’m now mindful of the distinct delineation between the two.
Smart people don’t balance two sides of the same coin – your work and life are, after all, inseparable from the backbone of your binding. You can’t push one to one side and one to the other and hope equilibrium presents itself because the entities are glued to each other and to you.
What I mean, for example, is that I cannot see Ryan and refrain from discussing at length our work. I have long agreed that behind every good man is a good woman, and likewise, the same holds true for Ryan and I on both sides. While he is the one that shows up to Brazen headquarters each day, my ideas fill his head. While I’m the one who walks into Alice each morning, Ryan’s sense and advice follows me.
More to the point, I guess, is that there is a mutual respect for what we choose to do with the majority of our day and into the night, and sometimes into our sleep and into dreams. Although when we do relate to each other our dreams from the night before, it’s not very likely to include the mention of a spreadsheet.
Right now, Ryan is across the street from me working. His offices are located diagonal from my condo, but I have yet to see him this week except for when he dropped me off from our weekend in Philly together on Sunday. I was working on a Wall Street Journal exclusive early this week, and he’s working on big plans for Brazen later this week. We also have friends, family, a basketball league, dance classes, books, blogs, grocery shopping, the gym, bill-paying and other magnitudes and minutiae of daily life competing for our attention.
Oh, and the new season of Chuck just started.
When I walk into work, much of that has to go away. I imagine this is natural for most people who enjoy their jobs, but particularly at start-ups you have to be ready to do whatever is put in front of you that day. Everything planned for the day will get eaten up by new priorities, larger plans and whether or not the toucan (our CEO) monopolizes all the time with the dolphin (our President and my direct boss). This can be best described as acting as a pivot, keeping your center, but spinning to each new person and project that appears.
One of the best parts of working at a start-up is that an idea spun in the morning has the potential to be fully realized by the afternoon. It can be that quick and magical and exhilarating. Also, the customers. When I worked for a non-profit in a trailer across from the food pantry that I was raising money for, I thought I wouldn’t again experience the rewards of being in such direct contact with the people I helped. But Alice has that.
One of the more challenging things is that blurring my work and my blog and my life to such an extent can make me very unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I’m always working which is frustrating, so I’ve tried to have clearer boundaries. I don’t really believe in work/life balance as an ideal, but no longer do I trust in work/life blur so much either.
As a generation, we’re always on. Is it okay to tweet during your workday? How often? What about talk to your significant other? Send personal emails? Do you work with your partner at night? Accept calls from the boss? Check your iPhone during a movie? Where is the line drawn and what is acceptable?
For Ryan and I, we have chosen to spend the majority of our day, not with each other, but with two different start-up companies. Our lives and relationship are more difficult and more enriched because of it. What about you? Work/life balance: truth or myth? Does it stand a chance?
34 replies on “One Guy, One Girl, Two Start-Ups and a Relationship”
At least you’re doing better than I am. My definition of having a life these days, while getting through my workload, is the ability to make the time to workout in the gym without taking a toll in sleeping time. Relationship with close people are nearly non-existent. Tweeting during the day or checking up Facebook is some of the only fun activities I do these days on a regular basis. While there are a lot of times I do want to hang out in parties or get-togethers, but most of the time, I get owned by the amount of work on my desk that I still have to go through. You seemed to manage it better than I have. My two cents. Btw, I still haven’t yet had the chance to make my comments related to your blog about education in general.
Rebecca, I’m in complete agreement with you for obvious reasons. I don’t believe in work/life balance. Technology has brought both together, so who you are in the workplace is the same person outside and visa versa. If you hate your job you’ll call it “work” and if you love it, you will call it a “hobby.”
I also do not believe in a work/life balance. Although it can be stressful, really loving your job means being on all the time. Isn’t that better than having a monotonous job where you dread the daily 9-5? I think so.
There are the occasional times when I need an hour, or even a day, to turn off the iphone off and not check my email. But when you’re a hard worker, other people notice and they respect those times.
@ Stanley – I often feel the way you do, in fact. Last year seemed to be the year of Ryan and Alice. This year I want to be much more social and that’s my theme for 2009: social and cultural. We’ll see how it works out : ) Perhaps that would work for you to create seeing your friends as a goal?
@ Dan – You’re the king of no work/love balance! Love it. I also love your observations – you can’t be one person at the office and another outside of it. And while I’m not so sure I’d call my work a hobby, I see what you’re saying : ) Thanks for the comment!
Anyone else call there work a hobby?
@ Elizabeth – Thanks for the comment and sharing your story. I agree that being able to think about your job all the time is more exciting and alluring to me, but I can see how some would treasure the 9-5 habit as well. I’ll have to take some tips from you; I always need more than an hour, ha.
Life. No contest takes work down by TKO.
It is funny how we talk about balance in terms of actually being completely unbalanced/ fully weighted far apart on two opposing poles.
Trouble is, when those to sides are so far away from each other, just a tiny bit more weight in one direction threatens the position of the other side.
I’m thinking of a see-saw here, and when both sides are balanced more closely to the middle (and therefore to each other), you run less risk of totally losing yourself to one side when one needs a little more.
@ Stuart – TKO? I’m totally lost. Haha. Interesting that you prioritize life. I don’t get that from you…
@ Tiffany – Yes! That’s what I was speaking when I was describing that work and life are inextricably linked to each other (perhaps imagine a rubber band around the two?), and they can’t go farther from each other without breaking that connection. Have you ever felt like you’re stretching it too far?
Rebecca- You hit it right on the head about the work/life blur we are steadily moving towards. I believe it was Dan Schawbel in “Me 2.0” that described how more and more people view themselves as a consultant who contracts out work to an organization for a period of time.
The period of time may be as short as a few months or as long as many years, yet people feel “they” work for themselves and provide a service to an organization.
Thanks!
Kevin
Kevin- I love that thought, and I think that’s really true. We are now thinking of ourselves as a personal brand, we work to better ourselves with experience.
Kevin and Elizabeth, you are right on target here. You are a consultant, which means you are your own business.
@ Kevin – Great reminder of Dan’s theories. I very much feel that way since I’m an established job–hopper. I look at my job as providing results for a company, not that it will be my life-long career.
Rebecca: It’s so interesting to hear about how you and Ryan balance, or attempt to balance, work and life. I think that if you’re devoted to your job, the blur happens whether you want it to or not. It’s the degree to which your work takes over your life that you have control over…sometimes. It’s definitely difficult. Neither my bf or I work at startups, but we are both in our first jobs, and working hard. We often find ourselves eating dinner after 9 pm because he works late, and my downfall is that my Blackberry sometimes resembles an appendage. But, I think the key is to remember that work is PART OF life. It’s not, nor it should be, our entire life. Great post!
Just reiterating again, that I love your writing and your blog. I get excited when I know there’s a new post in my RSS from Miss Modite :)
I have an interesting comparison to make. I have a couple close girlfriends that are nurses. The nature of their work is very serious (one in the O.R. and one in the E.R.) but once they leave the hospital, there are no phone calls, they’re off duty, they don’t have to sit in front of a computer or have clients to follow up with, etc. They can really have a work life balance.
I can speak to startups, because I am also in one and my ex-boyfriend was as well. I don’t think for us, that work/life balance exists. It is a blur and what we can simply do, are create our own rules. Like, I won’t check my iPhone during a movie or a date. When I’m at the office or working (after hours, well all hours are working hours, ha) then that’s where my attention lies. I think that’s okay and it’s pretty amazing that a couple like you and Ryan can contribute so much creativity and inspiration to each of your everyday work life. Maybe that’s the trade off?
@ Sam – You’re right, the blur is there. Sometimes I wish it weren’t, ha. I like control and I think that’s part of the hardest part for me to reconcile in finding balance. When I first got my blackberry, it was attached at the hip, but now Ryan is worse than me with his iPhone. Ah, technology… : ) How are you and your boyfriend dealing with having your first jobs and working so hard?
@ Grace – That’s so interesting to hear about a profession where you can have more balance. And nurses get paid really well too! Thanks for bringing that up. I’m confused about what you mean about the trade-off – that Ryan and I talk about work? I always get excited when Miss Small Hands posts too, btw, haha : )
Wait till you have children! Life is a mystery, yet we have to make choices.
Interesting topic – can you believe we’re still talking about work/balance some 20 years after the idea first came out?
I always think that work/life balance needs to exist in a wider context – it is not a goal, it’s a strategy. You don’t reach a point of balance and then everything’s peachy, and it’s not even about always making sure that balance is there.
It’s a strategy you can employ when necessary to help you work towards something or to help you honor something important, and employing it strategically can help to deblur those blurry bits.
No way, is this a myth. It may be to those who benefit directly from working all hours but for those who blindly work hard for others and more importantly have dependants outside of that world, there has to exist a sensible balance.
I do not buy into this ,” you are as effective as the midnight oil that you burn” represented by the post midnight mail to the top executive.
If more people championed the quality not quantity, then indeed work life balance may well become historic.
@ Laurent – Oh dear. That will be a long time off!
@ Steve – I really like that way of thinking about it – just another tool in your toolbox when things get rough. That actually takes a lot of the pressure off when thinking about it… thanks!
@ Cath – Love your comment. I too believe there is a strong difference between smart working and just working, that quality matters more beyond the time you put in, and that’s probably what started my desire to have clearer delineations in the first place. Thanks for sharing!
Rebecca, I totally relate to the constant blur between work and life. Being in a startup, well it is my life. It’s where my passion goes, where my heart goes. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Two of my co-founders are engaged and I’ve loved how they handle it. They each try to really focus on whatever it is they are doing at that moment (even if that is taking a break to eat some cookies), they try to have that moment to focus on each other.
It has led me to do the same thing: to take small moments when I completely focus on something other than the startup. It may only be for 10 minutes, but it refreshes me and helps those in my life feel like they really matter.
I know, I’m always fascinated with my nurse friends because they can really leave the (somewhat upsetting) nature of their job as soon as they walk out the door and not need to put on their ‘nurse’ cap until they walk back in.
Trade-off might have been a poor choice in word, but what I meant is that you’re both intertwined to each others roles and professional goals. Some people can’t be as connected and I think it can be positive. For instance, if my husband was a Doctor, I really wouldn’t be able to contribute to his day rather than listen (not my field/industry) whereas you can both share startup culture and also companies that are in the relatively same industry. Does that make more sense?
-Miss Small Hands :)
Rebecca, Having been in the same position as you, and then being a more than full time working mom for years and a coach – one thing I have learned…when we talk about work/life balance I really believe it is life balance – and there is no one equation that works for everyone or over our individual lifetimes. The balance shifts with your life in a way that will always amaze you. For example, if you decide to have a family and you also work hard and often, you may look back at these times (2010) as “i didn’t know how much easier it was then…”. Just a thought..
Elizabeth, Dan, and Rebecca,
Great feedback thanks! I look forward to more posts regarding Gen Y, work, and life!
Thanks!
Kevin
How are we dealing? That’s a very good question…we live together so that definitely helps. I almost always wait until he gets home to make dinner, even if it’s not until 9. And, what also helps is that we rarely go out on Friday nights because we’re both so tired from the week. So, we just have a lazy night at home. Honestly, I think you really have to appreciate the time you have together, however short or busy it may be. Three years of long distance taught me that :) That’s all the insight I can offer. If you have any to share, I welcome it!
Damn! I go and have a baby and you write two honest, outstanding posts.
Best 2 things in here:
– The analogy of the coin. Your language is poetic and gets the concept, explaining it flawlessly.
– The fact that you watch Chuck. A+
If there was a way to USB my Blackjack to my brain so that I could be continuously plugged in I would totally sign on for that experiment.
They always say that you are a reflection of the friends you keep. While not having a BF in a start-up (or really, a committed BF at all) I am surrounded by friends that are ambitious in their own right but not crazy about it like I am. They are the friends that haul me away from my computer at 6 PM on a Saturday night for dinner or make me leave my cell phone in the car for the whole weekend while we are camping. They gently tease and berate me when I’m so inconsiderate as to be spending time with them and instead spend my time staring at my email.
Because when you create a blur instead of a delineation you sometimes forget that others aren’t blurring with you. I constantly have to remind myself that people are taking time out of THEIR lives to spend it with me. How can I NOT offer them the same consideration back?
I’d hafta say life…I think once you find the right gig, work can be challenging, but not as challenging as finding a healthy balance in life. Besides, finding that vocational fit is a huge aspect of life. I think when you’re pursuing the right vocation and with the right person, you have no choice but to feel challenged and enriched, great feelings, I’m sure!
@Rebecca, not that I don’t want to be more social. In fact, there are opportunities available periodically for my last term in college. However, due to the fact that I’m still relatively attached to my grades (even though they don’t mean or help much any more at this point), and curfews imposed, I haven’t been all that social. I think it would help when school ends and I move out once I found some short term options. We’ll see later on in the year.
I do agree to a large extent, but I think you are missing the point when you assume that bloggers themselves assume they are writers. Blogging simply enabled those who were before unable to publish their thoughts and expose their inner-selves to do so on a large scale. New media is not here to replace old media, it is just a new form of expression that empowered those who were previously ignored, it is a tool of folk-culture. How it affects old media is another question all together.
I can back up Grace. Work/Life “Balance” varies widely by industry. I work in science and I like my job a lot, but one of the benefits is that when I leave at 4, I’m done. I can go home, zone out, read, do chores, whatever, without having to worry about work. It allows me the time to do something else, so I don’t dread going in the next day.
I live in Boston, and I ride the subway. While most of the lines are under ground in the middle of the city, the come to the surface as they read the ends. It’s really quite amazing to see just how fast people pull out their blackberries and iPhones as soon as we pull out of the tunnel and they get a signal.
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HI Rebecca—Nice article and well said. Interesting times we are in now, and I believe the next few years will be incredible as these new startups take hold and multiply.
best,
GL Hoffman
Two important considerations about startups and achieving work/life balance that I have found in my experience. First, core, or set hours really don’t exist in startups – performance is measured by value added or task completion. The benefit here is that you don’t have to be at the office at a given time as long as the work gets done. The downside is that if you’re not productive you can end up working a lot. Work smarter not harder.
The second consideration is that, especially in a startup, it’s important to know what to let slip. It’s literally impossible to complete every task. Figure out what your boss or other key stakeholders value and knock those things out first and leave the others as secondary. Again, work smarter not harder.
These are the keys I have found to success in a startup and achieving work/life balance.
[…] the venomous expose together. I felt sorry for her students. So very deeply sorry and guilty, but Ryan had left my side and I didn’t know anyone else at the party and I was stuck and uncomfortable and […]
Seems like you two have a good grasp on things– a possible power couple?