A Brief Retrospective on Growing Up

Man, oh, man. I can’t be reading this post at a more timely moment. Looks like we’re connected in more ways than one, Rebecca…

Here’s my take: leadership (and all responsible ambition and entrepreneurial activities are acts of leadership) is lonely. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to die alone and that you can’t have a partner or a consistent relationship with a family member. But it means that you MAY, if that’s what’s on your path. That’s when you choose to a) settle or b) keep going the lonely way of command and leadership.

Settling is not bad, there are moments for settling, but that will probably drive you away from the impact that you could have in the world (which is fine). I think it was Napoleon, or Churchill, who said that he never had a moment for himself. What people fail to grasp, is that everyone can be in command and make their ambition happen. It’s as simple as deciding it, but it’s the loneliness that comes with it what drives them away.

How do you get over the feeling? You get your purpose straight again. Hey, for some people their purpose is to support others, and that’s as important as being the guy in command. Follow your purpose (which most people never figure out, by the way), and the feeling will go away. Only accept that loneliness may its price.

Thanks for the comment, Carlos! I love your thoughts on getting your purpose straight again. For me, I believe that is writing, and this post is the first step toward renewed focus (gosh, I sound like I’m in a twelve-step program, ha). I do agree that most people don’t realize they can make their ambition happen and that’s something I am exploring in an upcoming post, with a great example of an entrepreneur who, once he was close to $1 mil in revenue, just freaked out, and started sabotaging himself. Success, man, it can be scary!

First – it’s great to have you back and writing again.

Second – like Carlos, this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately, and unfortunately, all I come up with are a lot of questions.

I wrote about the idea of “settling” recently (http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/life/settle/) and have thrown out concepts like “working on living”, but I don’t know quite what to do with my own advice.

I had beers with a few what we’d call “location independents” recently. I walked away from that meeting talking not about my trips to Bangkok or jungle adventures, but rather, the challenges of hiring an employee. The success of my wife in her career. The tribulations of home-ownership. My joy over buying a grill. While I was rambling on, there was this feeling of inadequacy, but later, and ever since, that’s faded away. What I’m left with is that, this is my life, and there’s plenty to be excited for, even if it means, “settling” in the eyes of some.

I’m 26. And as a married homeowner with his own business, I’m more
accomplished now that I ever would have imagined before 30, heck, even
40 or 50. The question I keep asking myself is, “what’s next”? Do I
focus on continuing to build an empire with my business? Can I tell my
wife to quit her job tomorrow so we can sell our stuff and travel the
country in an RV? Am I terrified of having kids because it means a
dramatic shift in lifestyle, or am I mostly just afraid of settling in? Should I just frickin’ relax? Stop DOING so much and just breathe a bit?

I don’t have an answer, to, well, any of these questions. And like you, even through these great accomplishments I’ve had, I’m finding myself wondering “what’s the point?” – Am I just checking items off a never-ending bucket list?…

Thanks for making me think bright and early this AM. You always have a knack for that (and, I enjoyed listening and reading along – nice touch)

First – it’s great to have you back and writing again.

Second – like Carlos, this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately, and unfortunately, all I come up with are a lot of questions.

I wrote about the idea of “settling” recently (http://www.lifewithoutpants.com/life/settle/) and have thrown out concepts like “working on living”, but I don’t know quite what to do with my own advice.

I had beers with a few what we’d call “location independents” recently. I walked away from that meeting talking not about my trips to Bangkok or jungle adventures, but rather, the challenges of hiring an employee. The success of my wife in her career. The tribulations of home-ownership. My joy over buying a grill. While I was rambling on, there was this feeling of inadequacy, but later, and ever since, that’s faded away. What I’m left with is that, this is my life, and there’s plenty to be excited for, even if it means, “settling” in the eyes of some.

I’m 26. And as a married homeowner with his own business, I’m more
accomplished now that I ever would have imagined before 30, heck, even
40 or 50. The question I keep asking myself is, “what’s next”? Do I
focus on continuing to build an empire with my business? Can I tell my
wife to quit her job tomorrow so we can sell our stuff and travel the
country in an RV? Am I terrified of having kids because it means a
dramatic shift in lifestyle, or am I mostly just afraid of settling in? Should I just frickin’ relax? Stop DOING so much and just breathe a bit?

I don’t have an answer, to, well, any of these questions. And like you, even through these great accomplishments I’ve had, I’m finding myself wondering “what’s the point?” – Am I just checking items off a never-ending bucket list?…

Thanks for making me think bright and early this AM. You always have a knack for that (and, I enjoyed listening and reading along – nice touch)

Hiring and managing employees is so tough! Something that’s come up a lot lately with the entrepreneurs I talk to, many of whom are first-time managers. Exciting you’re at that stage!

I totally know how you feel about trying to figure out the next step. A good many of my friends have “settled down” in terms of marriage and then baby in the carriage as the song goes, and I often feel like I am on a dramatically different path and that’s tough. You have to constantly remember to be comfortable in your own skin and life plan instead of comparing all the time to others!

I really liked your point about, “What’s the point?” as I think about that a lot. Like you, I work really hard and try hard on just about everything. Sometimes I fight myself and think it would be easier to just do nothing, and who would notice? Well, I would :)Anyway, I am rambling now. Thanks very much for this thoughtful comment and your kind words.

I think it’s a matter of how one thinks about and frames it. The word “settling” is a poor word choice if you’re trying to be happy about the decision. As someone who is going to be a “trailing significant other” in a few months, I think about this from time to time too. However, I also know that this person is special enough to me that I’m willing to leave what I have to start something new in an exciting new city in a different country. Will I always feel that way? Probably not, I’ll have my days where I’ll regret it and wish I didn’t leave my job here, but if I allow those thoughts to continuously circulating, I’ll become really miserable. I think life is what we make of it and there are tradeoffs everywhere.

Definitely, I agree. I don’t think I’ve settled by moving to DC by any means. It’s one of the best things I’ve done on a personal level. I think it has been negative on a career level, however.

Like you, the person I’m with is so supportive in whatever I want to do. It’s just a matter of figuring that out, and for me, the move stagnated that process a bit (through no one’s fault except my own). For me, I don’t like the idea of trade-offs and compromise, but I also think I have been unnecessarily believing that I had to compromise, when really, I don’t. As I mentioned in the post, life is your responsibility, and that has really hit home during the past year.
Thank you for your comment, and I hope you’ll let us know how your move goes!

I second Matt’s first comment and am glad that you’re back.

For the most part, everyone goes through this – the “what ifs,” the convincing yourself to be happy, the wondering if you have any reason to not be happy, and thinking about what you want and how willing you are to get it, and – wait, is that really what I want though? I take comfort in knowing that so many other people are feeling this way and so few people are exactly where they thought they would be. And how boring if every decision and every consequence happened exactly as you planned it?

Our generation is notorious for comparing ourselves to others, and I’m not really sure why we do that (although I think that it does have something to do with how easy it is to do so via social media). While I think that settling is relative, I refuse to believe that it’s inevitable. You set your own standards and your own settling threshold. If you are where you want to be and are fulfilled in the ways that you would like to be, then there you are. Or maybe you’re not and you decide to make a few changes or take the opportunity to, as meme-y as it is, look at your life, look at your choices. But no one else can make that call for you.

That being said, I struggle every. single. day with where I am in life. I am constantly bouncing back and forth between needing to be filled up, and wondering if I’m failing at being fulfilled, and feeling selfish and spoiled for wanting more. And honestly, I think that’s fine. Learning where the balance is has become an awkward and often embarrassing dance, but I’m confident (most of the time) that I’ll end up where I’m supposed to and you will too. Am I making you cringe yet?

Love, loved your comment. No cringing here. This idea about “wondering if you have any reason not to be happy” is completely dead-on. I have an amazing boyfriend, friends, family, a crazy-nice apartment, clothes, food on the table and have managed to put myself in a very favorable financial situation over the past year. And yet, and yet…

I take comfort in knowing that others feel the same way too, and the comments have been a breath of fresh air. I’m not the only one suffocating? Woot! Not that I want everyone else to be miserable too. Ha. I very much feel that part of where I’m supposed to be is writing, so keeping this commitment to start on Kontrary again and see where it leads is very important to me. But as my mother says, and I always repeat, “Everything will work out. It always does.” :)

This is what I feel like, too. It’s hard to get everything right. It’s hard to weigh the opportunity costs. I often feel stuck, lonely, mediocre.
I’ve never had to do anything difficult before, it was all just a natural progression, and coming to the point where you have the opportunity to make any decision, well, that is scary. I am itching to move, but also I want to stay. It’s hard for me to admit that to myself: that I am not the grand adventurer I always thought I should be (I had grown up hearing stories of my great-great-grandparents searching for King Solomon’s Mines in Kenya and wanting to be Indiana Jones). But being part of a community and growing roots and doing what you can with what you have (more, even), that is something too. Actively learning every day to build up your knowledge artillery is something, completing a marathon is something (and painful, as I found out). I am 25 and I am constantly looking over my shoulder at what other people are doing, constantly asking if I’m doing enough, and I have to remember that such behavior is destructive if it’s not kept in check, but a little bit can also be motivating.

Mediocre. Such a good word for it. Everything’s great, but you know in your heart you could be more. Totally get that feeling. I like your comment because it shows a good balance. Yes, you have potentially destructive, but also maybe motivating thoughts. And yes, you are comfortable where you are at the same time. For me, having that balance, is so crucial. Thanks for the reminder :)

I think it is a bit of a cop out on your current life to say you feel like you are settling. Own where you are in your life and relish in what you DO have and what you ARE doing. Maybe I have a different perspective because I’m 38 with 2 kids. I think we choose how we look at our lives. Also, life is about more than just professional accomplishments. Your experiences in DC are making your life richer. Imagine life without your boyfriend – he makes your life richer too. I don’t think that’s settling. I think you are choosing to live a creative life with a person that makes you happy. I guess I’m just trying to emphasize the importance of how you see your life and how that can make you feel.

As a yoga practitioner and teacher, I would say to you to remember that nothing matters except this moment, right now. I would also remind you to let go of attachments and be happy with who you are and what you have at this moment. Maybe that’s not ambitious enough but it’s true.

Very well put, Miri. I agree – the moments (and not the monuments) are what matter. Accomplishments pale in comparison to love and relationships.

Thanks Sam. I do agree w/Rebecca that we need a balance. When I was unhappy in my work life, love and relationships weren’t enough. My sense of purpose felt off.

I actually didn’t say I felt like I was settling, but rather settling into a specific lifestyle, but fair enough :) I definitely agree that we choose how we look at our lives. But I also think it’s total nonsense to believe we can be happy all the time. Sometimes you need to take an honest look and sometimes you’re not going to like what you see. For myself, I do love where I am. As I mentioned below, I have an amazing boyfriend, friends, family, crazy-nice apartment, super great neighborhood, great career. I do feel very lucky and I’m not trying to downplay that. But rather make the point that with all of that greatness, it makes it more difficult to take a risk. Or to find purpose. For me, writing is that risk and purpose, and so coming back to Kontrary is important to me. Funny, some people took this to mean I’m not happy. I actually am. But for me, that’s never the goal. And I enjoy being challenged and dare I say, unhappy, just as much as being happy. Interestingly, that’s a very yoga thing to say, I might add! It’s all about balance :)

Well put Rebecca. And I hear you on feeling like you aren’t challenged. I also agree that happiness isn’t everything. I’ll share a tidbit about my move to Madison from DC (opposite from you!) that actually is very similar to what you are feeling now. And, I went through some heart-ache (i think similar to you) to figure out what I could do to find that right balance between challenge and stability.

We moved here to Madison because we wanted a simpler, more family-friendly place to raise our son (he was exactly 1 when we moved. In DC I was in the management consulting world – challenging and fast-paced. There were things I loved and things I detested. I earned my yoga teaching certification (and a wellness coaching one too) in DC and when we moved here I thought I’d quit the corporate world and start a life as a yoga teacher and wellness coach. Man, did I feel like a fish out of water. I took on the risks of having my own business, making significantly less money for what I thought was a passionate choice of work and better flexibility for my life with a son (and another one on the way at the time).

I quickly realized those risks I chose were making me feel very unsettled and I was not feeling challenged by my work at all. I also realized that I missed the corporate/professional world and the challenges that I loved when working in that arena. The isolation was also driving me nuts and my erratic hours were making me feel awful too.

So, I did some work on figuring out what I loved about my consulting work and what I didn’t like/wasn’t good at and realized I wanted to pursue working in communications. And, my current job is a great marriage of all my strengths and things I enjoy with just enough challenge to keep me happy but the stability of the corporate job (and hours) is what I need for my current family and lifestyle.

Man, that was longer than I planned! But my point was your life situations are going to change your perspective on what the right challenges and risks are and how much balance you need.

Miri, thanks so much for sharing your story. I love when people write these kind of comments. And indeed, while different cities, it does sound very similar to my situation! It’s funny, you don’t know what you’re really going to like until you try it. That’s why I tell people, oh, you think you’d love being a venture capitalist instead of lawyer? Stop dreaming! Go talk and hang out with VCs, start reading tech blogs, start pursuing and applying to jobs. You’re never going to know until you’re actually in the situation, like you said. And there are so many variables.

Something else you said reminded me that I don’t actually have a huge tolerance for risk. I’m very calculated in the moves I make and while they may seem risky from the outside, I have always provided myself a lot of padding. I think it’s just a matter of moving forward, whatever that pace may be for you.

You’re treading on interesting ground here, in my opinion, when you talk about reconciling ambition and reality as though they are two opposing conditions. In my experience, ambition is one of those dangerous “shoulds” that people often punish themselves with. I “should” be more ambitious. I “should” follow my ambitions. All of that should-ing on yourself can rob you of the pleasure of enjoying just where you are.
Acknowledging your unrest, or your frustration with where you are is a great reason to do something different so you are someplace different, but that only makes sense if you are dissatisfied with where you are (“where” in the broadest sense of the word). And, triteness aside, I agree with the adage that We tend to seek happiness, when happiness is actually a choice.

Thanks for this comment Kathleen! Ambition is a should. Great point. I guess it’s more about purpose. As I’ve mentioned in a few other comments, for me, writing is that ambition and purpose. And it is actually coming to terms with the fact that maybe I don’t want to be a high-profile executive is part of what I’m trying to reconcile. Ambition, how we think of it, is a social construct. But I think it can also be ambition for your specific dreams, and accepting that what you want is completely okay. Not sure this is making sense, so I’ll stop here, but thank you very much for the comment. Definitely interesting to think about word-choice and all the connotations around different words.

I’m so happy you are back. I’ve missed you.

I think everyone feels that way to some extent. You have your dreams and goals which would work out if you didn’t participate in life. Life is relationships, family, friends, health, and big or small things that come up everyday that you choose to embrace. That’s life. Life happens. Be happy you aren’t so narrow in your drive that you don’t participate in life. Remember that so many on their deathbeds say that they wish they had participated in their “beautiful life” instead of wasting their life in meeting some phantom list of professional goals you made years before you matured to understand them. These are self-imposed and can rob you of today.

It’s great to have goals; but be flexible. Don’t miss out on the seasons, love, happiness of heart, empathy, warmth, service, smiles, hugs, history, family, friends, and breathing deeply and smiling in your life everyday with appreciation. In the end these are the things that will be meaningful. As Cathy Black said, “Work doesn’t love you back.” You have so much more to offer and be fulfilled by in your life. I’ve heard it said that sometimes you can be so focused on your goals that when something wonderful suggests itself you can miss it. Be open. Don’t let an old list keep pushing you down the narrow, constraining pipe. There are wonderful things all around that you miss when you are driven by a focused light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that your list can be ever changing. And yes, no matter what your choices, at some point you will have regrets. Just don’t let them be what you missed with your loved ones.

Thanks! I agree that there is a “phantom list of professional goals” and we’d all be better off without it. I think for me, part of this post, is reconciling that I want to write and having that be my goal even though “society” or whoever may not think it’s the greatest thing in the world.

I also think it’s interesting that so many people say, “don’t miss out on life!” When for me, and I think this is a very Gen Y construct, work is life, and vice versa. And that’s probably what makes it so difficult. I don’t want to spend 8 hours a day doing something that’s not meaningful because those 8 hours are full of relationships and friends and life too.

Life twists and turns, and the only thing I’ve really learned from it all is that the way I feel about it is my choice. Like you said, life is your responsibility, and so are your feelings about it. I’ve changed jobs twice in the last year and am struggling where I am now to feel both good about my immediate work and my career, and I’ve begun wondering if it’s not the work but me — if I will always feel this way until I reconcile some very big realities about life and who I am with myself.

Settling is what you make of it, and it’s not all bad. I can’t tell you how much I’d love to be able to settle into a routine with someone I love and accept that settling FOR them. In some ways, it’d be a relief. I know I’d have moments of regret or resentment — I think that’s natural when you compromise for someone else — but there are definitely positives to it I want in my life.

So, you made the move. You’ve settled into a safe spot. You’re not sure you like it and you want to figure out what’s next. What’s next? Invest time in some serious soul searching and seek it out. And I’d say, while you’re in the midst of that soul-searching, don’t forget to remember that it’s okay to settle down and it’s okay to feel safe.

Teresa, this is such a great comment. Over the past year, accepting that it’s okay to feel safe is something that I’ve definitely learned to do. And realized that I can use that to take bigger risks rather than just stay safe and feel bad about it :) I was thinking that I had to compromise for my relationship, but that’s really not the case. Those compromises were limitations I was putting on myself.
I think your comment about new jobs and accepting realities about life is interesting. The only way you can see what you’re truly good at AND enjoy is to try it, and so it’s not necessarily bad if you’re not finding your place. You just have to keep trying new things until you find that fit. Although, doing that with a dose of reality, is never a bad thing :)

I agree 100% Teresa (and with you, Rebecca). I’m teaching myself that “safe” isn’t a dirty word. Risks can be rewarding – but what can be and is equally rewarding is knowing that you’ve created a life for yourself that, dare I say, makes you feel content and comfortable.

It may be worth it to define “settling.” Settling is not choosing to have a family or choosing to work for someone else. Settling is also not settling in or settling down. Settling is when you could have something better – and you know it – and you opt for the lesser choice.

Do you think you’ve opted for a lesser choice by moving to DC? Only you can answer that.

On the other hand, just because you get an itch to try something else doesn’t mean you’ve settled. Just because you travel more/less or work more/less or earn more/less money doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve settled.

If you’re the kind of person who needs adventure – and you know it’s out there – than not choosing adventure is certainly settling.

It doesn’t matter anymore where you thought you’d be at 28. As Miri said below, the moments matter.

For me, I like to soak in moments – when I’m working, speaking, writing, spending time with my wife and daughter – and have that “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be” feeling. If I have more of those moments than “I wish I were somewhere else” moments, then life is good. Keep going. If you have more moments you wish you weren’t having, then you need to do something to change that. To not do so is to settle.

I totally agree about defining settling. For me, it wasn’t about moving to DC (which I LOVE, and feel like it was the best decision on a personal level), or feeling like I was accepting less because of my relationship, but artificial constraints and compromises I was putting on myself. I felt like the move was bad for me on a career level, but only because I wasn’t doing anything to fix it. Once I realized that, a lot was able to change.

Also, I love that I can see how the character of your comments have evolved. Being a father has definitely changed you :) I love the smile that I can see in between your words.

It was an unexpected and delightful surprise to see that you are writing again. The topic you chose is especially relevant — I don’t suffer from the sense of setting you described; I live with it.

I enjoy my corporate job. I bought a house in the suburb in December. I travel once in a while domestically or abroad for business. I am getting married in October. And I tell teens and adults about the relevance of science and mathematics in their daily lives via engineering outreach. While I haven’t become what I wanted to become when I was more naïve, I have a better grasp of what I am really good at and what my limitations are when choosing/building a career. Life is good to me.

On the other hand, my fiancée has many unfulfilled wishes: make money by publishing an e-book on relationship for entrepreneurs; travel the world and meet every blogger she knows; attend a Burning Man event and return to the World Domination Summit; deliver a nutrition and mental health workshop to major brand CEOs and convince them to change their ways of business… She hasn’t achieved any of that, and I can’t help but think that she hasn’t got any of it done because she is settling for me.

I have the blood of a Chinese scholar. I am a moderate in everything. Yearning for the stars doesn’t make me happier than taking a swim in the ocean. I’d rather be told what to wear and when and where to show up for my own wedding than to toil over which of the 20 wedding bouquets the bride should carry. I believe that I can have everything, as long as I don’t ask for much and always in moderation.

Life is too short to live in frustration over what was not and what could have been. I live my life by putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you for this honest and transparent comment. It’s so interesting to get a peek into other people’s lives and relationships. I don’t get the sense that you are settling from your description. Settling to me is not doing the things you truly want to do (and what you want to do, not what society or a lifestyle blog tells you to do).

I am sure that your fiancee doesn’t feel like she is settling for you, or else you wouldn’t be together, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask, I’m sure. Frankly, that is what I thought during a dark couple of months last year, and it was horrible. But then I realized that Ryan was most definitely not holding back (he’s incredibly supportive), and it was my own damn fault for not doing the things I wanted. So I promptly started doing them.

Thanks again for this comment. It’s great to hear from the “moderates” of the world :)

Happy to have you back writing :) I’ve always loved it, since day 1.

I would be curious to see who is where they thought they would be in life…particularly with our generation. I am really happy where I am, but I too, think it’s safe. I used to move a lot, move alone, travel internationally alone, and now…life has taken a pace. I’m creating movement and change here in front of me, but I often wonder if it’s enough.

On the flip side, the “should” “could” and “would” aren’t my favorite words. I somehow think we are where we need to be in this moment, and if we want, we can ALWAYS change it.

Great thoughts and thinking :)

Thank you, Grace! This was such a sweet comment.

I too wonder about our generation – I have definitely witnessed a shift from when we were all blogging in the beginning to now. The tone of the our articles have changed, and so have our dreams and what we’re working on. I wonder if this is just a natural progression or if the turn of events (9/11, the recession, etc.) has changed us and made us more safe.

Anyway, I guess only time will tell! :) Thanks again.

Oh man, do I understand where you’re coming from. I am totally living safely right now, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m in a job that is not ideal, by any stretch. I live in New York City, which is amazing, but not a place I initially saw myself. But, the things that I’m doing and where I am are because I love my husband and I support him. He’s in law school, and I am literally, financially supporting him. I accept and tolerate my unhappiness/stuck feeling because I know he’s worth it. And I know that when he’s out of school, it will be my turn to follow my dreams. I think there is a way to reconcile ambition and reality, but you have to realize that this may not be the time for it yet. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with maintaining the status quo for a little while if doing so helps our significant other get where they need to go. The important part is that you just press the pause button on your dreams and not the stop button. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but you’re not alone in these feelings, and if you ever want to talk/commiserate, let me know.

Hi Sam, this is so funny, I was just reading your post earlier and was going to write a similar comment! I’m struck that you view the current time in your relationship as your time to support your husband, and at some point it will be your time. You must be a better partner than me because that kind of thinking drove me nuts and made me slightly resentful. Until I realized I could just do what I wanted and there was really nothing holding me back except myself. I’m curious, do you think you could do what you want (and not be stuck) right now if you really wanted? Is it actually impossible or just difficult? For me, money was a big hurdle and it sounds like you’re similar? Once I started reaching some of my financial goals, I felt more empowered to make other decisions to move me closer to doing what I really want (to write).

It’s great to see you’re writing again. I write a bit myself and find it very fulfilling.

I’m nearly 41 now and understand how you’re feeling because I felt a bit like that at your age. I had a successful decade in my 20s. I had so much potential: I got a good degree and planned on teaching high school during term-time and writing great American novels in the summer. In the end, I grew tired of beating myself up for needing to change all my long-term goals in my 30s due to a number of health issues and an unhappy marriage.

These days I am still ambitious but the goals have changed. While I’ve given up ever trying to teach in a classroom: I’m learning Japanese, I regularly raise money for a variety of charities and I blog. I think it’s ok for goals to change as you get older – it’s part of accepting that you always were (and still are) a great person.

Japanese?! That’s awesome. I hear that’s really difficult to learn. I definitely agree that it’s not only okay but necessary for goals to change and evolve not only as you grow older, but as you learn more about yourself and discover what truly fulfills you. Thanks for the comment and sharing your story!

I know exactly what you mean. And I think it’s our generation the feeling that “I should be more” I think TIME put out an article dubbing us the “lost generation” I’m sure you’ve read it. Anyway, my feeling is that there are plenty of us who have the thought “this is not where I thought I would be at 28” in my opinion that is not what comes along with growing up.

There is a fine line between success and failure and each person defines that line in his/her own way. And I know what you mean when you say you check off a list that feeds a lifestyle that keeps risk just out of reach, and by risk I think you are referring to success. Here are my thoughts: life isn’t your responsibility, living is. Is settling inevitable? Depends on how vulnerable you want to make yourself, but I say NO. Doooooonnnn’t stop belieeeeeving

Haha, love the singing. Yep, I think I did read that Time article… love Time! Definitely, everyone defines success differently and that’s super important. I hope that by writing again, I am getting back to what I believe in and getting risky again.

I really liked everyone’s comments about settling. I think it’s a huge part of not knowing. So much of what we do is based on faith – faith in ourselves that we think we know what we’re doing, faith that a new job, relationship or whatever will work itself out, faith that even if we fail it won’t paralyze us.

But for many humans, it’s not enough to simply have faith; many people require evidence that their faith is being rewarded (yes the connection to Judeo-Christian concepts is deliberate). If we move to a new place in hopes of starting over and it doesn’t work out (at all) or not how we anticipate, it can be frustrating. So settling, or a type of internal stagnation, sets in. I think, at its core, it’s about fear, about living in the past. It’s about this idea that we become attached to things that happened to us, and we base our present (identities) on these past successes or failures. When there’s a disconnect between when we want to happen (ambition) and what’s actually happening (reality) – this creates a type of inertia that many people deal with. This inertia easily settles into a type of depression, a sort of sadness and a fear of the unknown, this hatred for faith because things have never worked out.

There’s no reconciling this because it’s inherently a problem with the Ego and Spirit. The ego – materialistic part of us – always wants “more”. But what’s “more”? More money? More responsibilities? More happiness? We’ll never have those things; the ego will never be satisfied because there’s technically never “more”. Part of what I’m learning in spirituality, but finding it difficult to actualize, is this idea that now is enough. Everything I need is now – which is hard because I’m in a low paying job, my loans refuse to go unpaid, I live at home (which isn’t ideal at all) in a state I’d much rather not be in (the list goes on). I have dreams, but I get trapped trying to live in a future that doesn’t exist and I’ve succumb to the inertia I wrote about earlier. I end up procrastinating because my present isn’t matching my daydreams, but I should know by now that peace can only be found in the present, not in another job, city, country or what have you. If you can’t find or create peace now, you won’t have it at any other point in your life.

I don’t know if this directly addresses your final question; but it’s what I thought of because it’s the place I constantly find myself each day.

Ahhh, I love your comment. I think the point about how we base our present identities on past successes and failures is right on, and was definitely something I have been doing over the past year. Comparing to others, yes, but mostly comparing to myself. I agree, you have to find peace or balance no matter what. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!

The feeling of frustration at not quite being at the place we had dreamed/planned on being at X age is something I think we can ALL relate to. For some it’s their love life, others their career life, and for many it’s a mixture of both! So needless to say, you’re not alone. And I applaud your honesty.

With that said, I think it shows great emotional maturity to stand up and look at where you currently are and say…”I’m making small scarifies in my life now so I won’t have to settle later!”

In short, I don’t see you living “safe” for long. In fact, if writing full time is your dream, I say chase it (as I know you will)! Nothing safe about that.

Thanks for the comment, David! You’re right, it does take emotional maturity to do that, and that was something I wasn’t ready to do at the time and was something I had to learn. I think over the past year, I’ve grown a lot in that regard, mostly realizing that I don’t have to make small sacrifices, and really, those were artificial constraints I was putting on myself. Anyway, hindsight is 20/20 as they say :) Thanks for the kind words.

Two thoughts:

1. Just because you’re not feeling hugely challenged at this very moment in time doesn’t mean you’ve settled. It might mean you’re giving yourself a much-needed break. Or preparing for what’s next. Or figuring OUT what’s next, how you’ll challenge yourself next week or next year. Sometimes we can be challenged in our social lives but not our work lives, or vise versa — and it’s way too hard to have BOTH of those challenges at once. So maybe, just maybe, you should take a breath and enjoy this down time while you have it. :)

2. The great thing about settling is it’s a choice. Which means that starting tomorrow, you could choose to NOT settle, to challenge yourself in a new way. In other words, the only thing you need to get past where you are now is the decision to do so!

Alexis, I really like this perspective, and sometimes I forget that we do need pauses in life to prepare for the next thing and you’re right, what’s up means something else may need to be down. Thanks for these reminders : )

I feel pretty stuck right now myself – I’m 29, finished grad school in December and have been trying to find a way out of my current job, where I have been for nearly eight years. Every day that I’m at work and feeling sorry for myself that I’m doing the same exact thing, and dealing with the same exact dysfunction that I’ve been dealing with for most of my 20s, I have to try realllllly hard to think about all the positives I have: a great boyfriend, my cat, our apartment, living in Boston, our social life, etc. It gets really hard sometimes, especially when so much of my livlihood is defined by my occupation, but I suppose this is where I’m meant to be at this very moment.

Hi Emily, Oooooh, I feel your pain :) Can I recommend, even if it’s tough to leave your current job (which you should probably just up and do and get over the fear there), why not try finding a side project to work on? That’s what really helped me. I started consulting/freelancing, as well as started Kontrary up again. Or even just volunteering once a week at your favorite nonprofit. Having some sense of accomplishment outside of the job that feels like it’s slowly pulling you down is super powerful. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, hope you’ll stay in touch and let me know what happens!

I have not yet settled, and to play devils advocate…or i guess to send you some piece of mind…I wonder if I should. I have travelled much of the world. Lived in different countries, and explored many wonders of the world. However now I am in yet another new location, living out yet another new adventure. I have finished school and have no loans to pay, however I still have that twinge of responsibility always poking its head around the corner. At 27 should I be growing up? Should I be “settling…” I guess this just reminds us to keep your head up and quit thinking the grass is always greener…Thanks for sharing :0) always love hearing the other sides perspective. -Daniella

By Rebecca Healy

48 replies on “A Brief Retrospective on Growing Up”

Leave a Reply Cancel reply