On the third round of interviews for my current job, my interviewer was a Boomer whose opinion as the head of a similar and larger organization was valuable to my future Board.
After talking about Gen Y leadership, in which I blatantly quoted my blog to close the deal, she asked me what I would do if I witnessed unethical behavior.
“I would investigate to see if it was really unethical behavior,” I said, “or if I was misunderstanding the situation.”
It was the perfect answer for a business that loves gossip, but doesn’t like to make waves.
Then out of nowhere I felt compelled to add, “And I would probably call my mom and ask her advice.”
My interviewer smiled. Turned out my answer was right on all counts.
We ended up spending a large part of the remaining time talking about her relationship with her mom. She described how her mother had come to interviews with her, and how she continued to count on her mom in her high-profile position.
Gen Y isn’t the only one counting on parents for advice. This is behavior magnified and built upon from previous generations.
I call my mom all the time. Not as much as she’d like me to – a constant source of debate – but I value her thoughts and respect her advice more than anyone else.
She’s usually right too. Men, career, friends, she just knows. Everything. Annoying, that.
“Most Gen Y’s have strong, positive relationships with their Boomer parents,” Tammy Erickson argues at the Harvard Business Review. “They speak with Mom or Dad when they have a problem, and most feel that their parents understand them.”
I’m not saying that you should always listen to your parents, or that they’re always right. My own mother, who I referenced in my interview to get the job, and who praised me for my smart answers, was hesitant that I should even take it.
She didn’t really understand what I would be doing. I still don’t think she fully understands. But I took the job anyway.
I also listened to my mother at the same time.
Listening to my mom is recognition that I am becoming an adult. See, asking for help is one of the most adult things you can do.
There’s no one better to ask for help than your parents, because despite the fact that sometimes they might annoy or guilt-trip you, they really, in their heart of hearts, want the best for you. And they’re always proud of you. They always love you. That’s what parents do. And they know you better than anyone else.
I find it funny to read that some experts believe that Gen Y “may well shatter,” as the result of intense Boomer parental involvement. Do you know what I do when life isn’t going my way? I call my mom. And do you know what she tells me? “This is your life,” she says. “Stop crying and deal with it.”
Okay, it may not be those exact words, but today’s parents are not ignorant. They know that despite their coddling, Gen Y will need to become independent in order for us to succeed.
So we might as well stop getting up in arms that parents are helping their children. Because in the game called life, we really need as much as help as we can get.
“Use your parents’ insight to gain experience when you have none,” Rosie Reilman argues. “But don’t let them live your lives for you. This is your life. Take ownership of it.”
I agree. I’m not saying don’t grow up. We should grow up and take responsibility. I don’t believe, for instance, that you should move back home after college. Because of how I was raised, I think that’s irresponsible.
But I think we all feel, especially in our twenties – and maybe it never ends – that we’re doing a good job of just acting like adults. And maybe if we’re good enough actors, we’ll actually become adults someday. With the help of our parents, of course.
While Erickson believes we should accept all this as “a changing cultural norm,” Scott Williamson argues that “accepting this sort of behavior just enables more of it.”
But I believe we want to enable a workforce that asks for help, that respects their parents, and who aren’t afraid to admit that we don’t have all the answers. Certainly, there are instances when it can go overboard, but why must we continually let a few bad apples set the tone?
We shouldn’t sensationalize what is generally a good trend.
40 replies on “Back Off: Gen Y’s helicopter parents are a good thing”
I think confiding in our parents and asking advice is totally different than helicopter parents. To me that’s when parents go to interviews or call managers about issues that the person in their twenties should be dealing with. I’ve talked to my mom too about asking for a raise and other on the job issues but I don’t ask her to call my manager to discuss this with him. I think there’s a big difference. Good relationship and motherly advice is totally different to me than having her do everything for you. My parents have good advice and I like getting their input on things. But in the end, I have to make decisions for myself.
@ Rosie – I think it’s the same thing, but we’ve (or the media) has sensationalized the idea to the point where helicpoter parents is a huge deal. It’s not. Also, I found it interesting that this hugely succesful Boomer woman once had her mother come to her interview with her – is it all that bad?
I don’t have my mom make calls for me or come to interviews with me either, but I did have her meet my first boss when she was in town. The workplace is changing and getting more advice and input from your parents is easier when they have a clearer picture of what’s going on. It’s definitely a fine line to walk. Thanks for the comment!
I agree with Rosie on this one, I don’t consider helicopter parents to be the same thing as asking them for advice. I think for me, the difference is a matter of initiative and who is in the driver’s seat – if the parent is taking initiative and doing things on your behalf (whether you want them to or not) that’s being a helicopter parent.
For me, my parents are my friends and advisors, and I don’t hesitate to bounce ideas off of them, but they’re not really involved in my professional life (outside of networking with my Dad because we are in related fields).
If this Boomer’s mother set up the interview for her, negotiated salary and participated in the interview – the things that she should have been able to do then yes I think it’s bad if we can’t do things for ourselves.
It’s interesting that you take that stance because you’ve even posted about how Gen Y is too conservative. Maybe we’re too conservative and don’t act because we’re constantly getting others to act for us. Do the hard confrontational work for us – like having parents call for us to get our raise or whatever.
I’m cool with not knowing everything too and more than happy to ask for advice and help on things. I love getting input from everyone, including my parents, but I want to be able to do things on my own too. I want my career to be because I worked to get to where I am at, not because my mother or father negotiated my position for me or had to do everything for me.
I knew someone who is constantly asking others questions to help her at work. She had been at her job for 10 months and still needs help on just about everything. I was happy to help her but I wonder if she would’ve just tried first to do it on her own before asking if she would get it and learn how to do it for herself. Instead of every time encountering a problem just ask and have someone do it for her. It got to the point where I would sit and ask her how she thought she had to enter something and she’d do it just fine. She just got hung up on the challenge before her and thought she couldn’t do it by herself. That’s sort of how I feel about the helicoptering.
@ David – Thank you for the comment! I guess I agree and disagree. I consider my mom a helicpoter parent because she’s always wanting to know what’s going on. Every. Single. Second. She’s definitely a hoverer, but she doesn’t neccessarily do things on my behalf (although if it were more accepted, I’m sure she would).
But sometimes it would be helpful for your parents to do things on your behalf in recognition that you don’t have all the answers. I don’t think we were adequately prepared to enter the workforce, and even when we learned to ride a bike we had training wheels.
@ Rosie – I don’t think it was to that extent, but where do you want to draw the line? It’s okay that the mom went to the interview but sat outside and didn’t say anything?
My arguement is that it can go too far, but it is generally a good thing.
It’s possible that Gen Y is too conservative as the result of how we were raised, but I think as we grow older, our parents will learn to let go in some respects. And in the meantime, we should be more respectful of parental involvement. Not incompetence like you describe in your last paragraph, but sincere advice, and yes, sometimes a bit of hovering. Thanks for making me think harder!
@Rebecca Yeah, I think the wanting to know what’s going on is a helicopter-y thing. Mine like to know what’s up, but they don’t dig, and they will offer to help any way they can, but they don’t push.
I think that that is a function of that relationship we have with our parents, we can strike out on our own, but we’re still tied close to home. Family is important to GenY, our (new) families, but also to our extended family, including our parents.
I agree with the sentiment of the other people commenting. I look to my father all the time for advice, esp. now with being a new parent. However, he doesn’t do any of the work for me, nor does he jump in with any unsolicited advice. We talk about the issues that I bring up (for the most part).
I think the ‘helicopter’ parents are the ones taking action for their children, which I think is fundamentally wrong. As a new manager, I doubt I would ever hire someone who had their parents call me asking questions about their career. Frankly, it’s none of their business.
@ David – I agree, and I think it is this special bond that the media takes advantage of (see below).
@ Norcross – Gen Y certainly has a good relationship with their parents, and I think that it is largely a positive thing. This special bond is often sensationalized in the media and the few bad apples are focused on, when in reality helicopter parents and their children are doing just fine.
Let’s take responsibility for how we and our parents are being defined and make what is now a widely-held Gen Y stereotype a positive.
Asking for advice, having a mentor, seeking parental counsel are all great things. Any and all of them should be used when possible. But having parents overly involved in their adult childrens lives is not a good thing. Once we’re out of college, it’s really time to stand on our own two feet, but hopefully never stop seeking wise counsel.
There’s definitely a difference between the two.
Since my own father’s death, I’m realizing the magnitude of his influence over me.
And I’m breaking those barriers down.
I’m keeping the best of who he was and what he taught me, and I’m cutting loose the things that no longer fit.
When the help of our parents is simply no longer an option, we start to do some amazing things, because we have to. That certainly doesn’t mean we have to wait for their passing to “find ourselves” or “become adults.” I think if we are intentional enough, we can take those steps today by ferreting out the aspects of our relationships that work and those that don’t, setting boundaries, advocating for ourselves, and asking for help when we truly need it. There is no shame in having a family support you.
I’m a Boomer, a parent, and a former journalist. When I first read about the “helicopter parent” a few months ago, I was amazed that any Gen Y-er (or Millennial or Echo Boomer – take your pick) would allow his or her parents to make career-related inquiries for them and possibly vouch for them in their job searches. After reading this post and the responses, I’m more convinced that this is the minority of cases.
There’s some truth in what Rebecca says about the media sensationalizing (though I loathe that word) some cases. Journalists, after all, are intrigued by the oddity, anything that might fall outside conventional thinking. Unfortunately, sometimes what’s written can be applied unfairly to a broader group of people.
I believe the overwhelming majority of Boomer parents want their kids to learn to figure out the answers to their most perplexing questions – such as career and job choices – on their own. And if they need our advice, we’re just a phone call, e-mail, or face-to-face chat away. Will we advise you? Yes, if you’d like us to. Will we make phone calls and engage in something, like, negotiate a higher salary for you on your behalf? Nope! You need to let go of our hand and skate without us.
For those of you who have such parents, let them know how much you appreciate it since they’re helping you grow.
I was all set to enter your comments section and blast this post with a loud, obnoxious I COULDN’T DISAGREE MORE post. And then I kept reading your post, and thinking…
There are a LOT of things that really get under my skin about boomers. They gave us global warming, a currency crisis, suburban sprawl (or at best they accelerated a previous trend), the collapse of Social Security, fewer siblings, Dubya AND Hillary, a health care crisis…I better stop.
But you’re not talking about the macro-level problems of an entire generation. You’re talking about the micro-level benefit of talking with your mother, and then suggest how others might echo that practice. When I stop myself from getting back on my anti-boomer soapbox and think about the subject a bit, I realize that I’ll have much more to give my own children in the way of advice for having learned things without a strong parental presence (I’m sparing you some details). Further, I can trace each mistake I’ve made since leaving home to, in part, going without the same level of advice my peers may have received.
So maybe I agree. :-)
@ Scott – Different ends of the same spectrum to be sure. : ) I don’t think many young people aren’t standing on their own two feet. Peer accountability helps this.
@ Rick – I’m happy to dispel some of the myths about helicopter parenting. That was the intent of the post. We need to take responsiblity for the negative images out there of us. Media tells us it’s one way, and so people will respond to us accordingly. We need to change what it means. Thanks for comment!
@ Milena – what a great comment. I love that “there is no shame in having a family support you.” It seems to me that we need to focus less on comparing ourselves to others, or the “them, not us” mentality, and just do the best we can.
@ Lyons – haha. Your comment made me laugh. It’s true that precisely because the Boomers have faced many issues that they are good advice-givers. Actively seeking advice can only help us on our journey. Thanks for sharing your experience!
I agree with this post in some ways, but I have to say that I’ve witnessed helicopter parenting alive and well… and it’s not pretty.
Not gonna lie: I fancy myself a bit of a Helicopter-kid! or at least I was.
Though my folks did the typical things you mentioned (not as far as ever even talking to my boss or employers) – it was me who called up to do the consulting with my mom n’ pops. It helped them to let go a little, I think, in that they took comfort in knowing that I was interested in their opinion. Over time I realized my dad took a decisively different path to career happiness, but bouncing ideas and suggestions back and forth worked out in the end, with only one small argument in that he was pushing for a MA much quicker than I was ready for.
Anyhoo. Good post. Lesson learned: They are the ones with the experience, after all.
I am a boomer on the young end of the spectrum and I have an 11 year old son. I am happy to say he’s growing up in your footsteps.
@ Tiffany – But it’s the minority, right? I hope…. ; )
@ t h rive – Thanks for sharing your experience. I think more examples of how being a helicopter-kid is actually positive can help break down these negative stereotypes!
@ Lisa – What a gracious compliment! Thank you. I wasn’t a saint in my adolescence though… just warning you ; )
[…] 11, 2008 It’s conversations like this that make me miss writing at this blog on a regular basis. So without further ado, I’m back. […]
Some of us, who didn’t have fabulous parents, learned from their mistakes. It can be another tactic to making good decisions. It’s nice that your mom can be apart of your life like that.
I find it interesting when you mentioned that a Boomer’s mom went to a job interview on two fronts. First of all, it shows that not all Boomers had a negative relationship with their parents. Second of all, it totally contradicts the theory that Generation ‘Y’ is the only generation in which parents have been active in their career search. Granted, I think that parental involvement is far greater among today’s graduates than those who graduated even ten years ago. However, it is impossible to paint a broad brush and claim that because you were born in 19XX that you will have certain characteristics.
As mentioned, I am sure that today’s generation consults their parents more than in the past. I don’t know what percentage of parents are the “extreme” helicopter parents who contact their kids’ bosses, although it is a fact that it is at least anecdotal. The question is whether the employers are OK with this involvement, or whether there is a backlash. Some companies (e. g. Enterprise) seem to welcome this with open arms), so there might be more support than one might thinks.
I am not sure if “moderate” helicopter parenting is a good idea or not…I don’t have a problem, though, with regard to talking to parents regarding career issues. For instance, I just got a job offer, and I spoke to my parents on how to handle certain issues, such as sign-on bonuses and the like. And this is not my first post-college job…I’m almost 30. I simply don’t think there is a problem with getting advice…it’s better to have that than to possibly go astray.
I’ve been told that a good relationship between a parent and their grown child makes all the hardship of raising a kid worth it. I’m 40 and my mom, an accomplished professional in her field, remains a trusted advisor on many work-related topics. She made that good relationship possible by backing off at a certain point in my younger life, even when she saw me making choices that she disapproved of.
My Millennial-age niece, on the other hand, is now actively shopping for Stinger missiles to knock her unwelcome helicopter mom out of her airspace. This totally freaks out my sister-in-law, who fears (legitimately, I think), that she is at risk of losing total contact with her daughter, but in this case, the boundary problem is 100% on the older (Boomer) parent’s side.
@ Jenson – I don’t think any of our parents are perfect, but it’s great that those who didn’t have perhaps the role model parent are able to be proactive in continuing to learn. Thanks for the comment!
@ Mark – I agree, I found it interesting, but not all that surprising, concerning the Boomer and her mom as well. I also believe that the more advice you can have in your back pocket the better off you’ll be.. so bring on the parents, psychics and people who give unsolicitied advice ; )
@ robsalk – Thanks for your thoughtful comment! Your relationship with your mom sounds a lot like mine. My mother was very overprotective when I was younger, but seemed to back off at just the right times. I hope that your niece and mom are able to find a balance. I tend to think problems are never one hundred percent one person or the other, but you never know…
[…] what you will about my generation being overly dependent on our parents, because I really don’t care. If you’re as lucky as I am, you have parents who know you better […]
[…] what you will about my generation being overly dependent on our parents, because I really don’t care. If you’re as lucky as I am, you have parents who know you better […]
[…] “What’s wrong with moving back with mom and dad?” The people I’ve been chatting with are amazed at how many of my friends are moving back home and not making a big deal out of it. Frankly, I didn’t even give it much thought until an X’er told me her story about how she counted down the days until she could leave the nest. For me, the move is just the reality of the situation…I could go and live on my own, but my bank account would get pretty thirsty. My folks and I get along pretty well, anyway. Chalk one up for helicopter parenting! […]
[…] “What’s wrong with moving back with mom and dad?” The people I’ve been chatting with are amazed at how many of my friends are moving back home and not making a big deal out of it. Frankly, I didn’t even give it much thought until an X’er told me her story about how she counted down the days until she could leave the nest. For me, the move is just the reality of the situation…I could go and live on my own, but my bank account would get pretty thirsty. My folks and I get along pretty well, anyway. Chalk one up for helicopter parenting! […]
[…] Rebecca Thurman defended this influence, claiming that Gen Y’s helicopter parents are a good thing for the office. And some companies […]
Did you repost this? I got it through my email feed today, but it is an old post….
Rebecca –
Great post.!
The most important points that came through loud and clear for me:
1. Learn from anyone (and everyone) you can. Don’t discount family just because they’re, well, family.
2. Build a personal support network. Build a professional advisory board. Sometimes, mash-up the two and blend well for best results.
Also, there may be, as many astute readers have pointed out, a difference between involved, concerned parents who are ready to dive into the fray whenever you call and those who ‘hover’ (a la the helicopter term) and interfere on their own initiative.
Example: I had my mom, who is an RN, write one of my grad school recs . This was a difficult decision, and very risky. I knew that absolutely before I included her letter. I could have used one of my fellow board members, numerous bosses and managers, research fellows, Executive Directors for whom I’ve volunteered for years, etc.
But hands down, my mom’s personal and professional knowledge of my goals and what I’d done each step of the way to achieve them (working full time senior year of college, including some night shifts as a patient advocate in the ER) in the face of setbacks was the most concise summary of why I’m pursuing a career in healthcare management and innovation, so I asked her to write a letter.
PS – (I got accepted to Georgetown, but did explain the inclusion of her reference letter to the program chair himself on the phone).
Another example: I am organizing/recruiting volunteers for a healthcare event. Most of the volunteers work in the field, are mavericks, and contacted us directly with interesting stories/emails.
One new volunteer, however, was accepted after his father wrote an email to our organizer talking up his son’s accomplishments. The sons response, after we contacted him, was ok, but just ok. I wonder if his dad submitted the information without his knowledge, or if he’s just kind of going along for the ride. Our other volunteers are passionate about ‘selling’ why they want to be involved, and as a result, I’m excited they’re on board. It’ll be interesting to meet this volunteer, who has an excellent resume, and see if he really wants to be there.
Lesson learned: There’s nothing like your own initiative and passion for a field of study, profession, person, etc. authentically expressed.
I don’t care WHO it is that helps you do that – if it’s a parent, so much the better – keep these people close. You’ll need them.
If you dream big, you’ll also fail big, and having this type of support skeleton helps you pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
Boomers and Millenials actually have a lot in common with eachother, so I am not too surprised that you and your interviewer shared this interesting bond.
I like that you mentioned
“I believe we want to enable a workforce that asks for help, that respects their parents, and who aren’t afraid to admit that we don’t have all the answers.”
The most-common piece of advice I would give to a careerist is “Don’t lie. Admit when you don’t know… then prove that you’ll assemble the resources to get it figured out. This is the age of Google. You don’t have to be a ‘Know It All’, but you should learn how to be a ‘Know How to Find-out It All’.
[…] provocative post about Helicopter Parenting on Modite this morning reminded me of some advice I frequently give to job-seekers, but I don’t know […]
I found this comment particularly interesting:
“But sometimes it would be helpful for your parents to do things on your behalf in recognition that you don’t have all the answers. I don’t think we were adequately prepared to enter the workforce, and even when we learned to ride a bike we had training wheels. ”
I think this problem is incredibly valid – particularly when it comes to work ethics among Gen-Y (we tend to be MUCH more lazy than our Boomer or Xer counterparts), I’m not sure what ‘term’ to put on my other thoughts. I think for the majority of us, we were latch-key kids, meaning we raised ourselves in great part (I was not one, my mom worked from home and for the most part was there when I was). The problem with this is that Gen-Y parents expected the school system to teach us the things they couldn’t or didn’t want to teach. Responsibility is one of them. I work for a company in which I am responsible for recruiting people for my team – I almost cringe at the thought of interviewing a Gen-Yer because of the baggage some carry – lack of personal responsibility, and in many ways looking for the easiest way out. I know that there are Gen-Yer’s who don’t fall into this category.
I still ask for my parents opinions about a lot of things (I’m married and I have a family) but I am certainly not expecting them to fix my problems or raise my kids for me. Do you think to a certain degree we are enabling our parents to hover over us?
I hope I didn’t ramble too much and this made some sense..
As a young member of GenY (in my teens), I think that this article provides a rare optimistic view of helicopter parenting. However, I do not think that people asking their parents advice and respecting their opinions qualifies as helicopter parenting. That is simply called respecting your parents. I always thought that actual helicopter parenting was when parents involved themselves in every aspect of their child’s life in an unwanting and interfering sort of way.
Another interesting article about so-called ‘helicopter parenting’ is http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/06/19/10-qualities-of-teacup-parenting-is-your-kid-too-fragile/ This website provides teen opinions on parenting topics.
[…] because normally my mother tells me how great I am, how I can do no wrong, and how all men suck. It is the Gen Y parenting creed. But tonight, I am not so […]
[…] because normally my mother tells me how great I am, how I can do no wrong, and how all men suck. It is the Gen Y parenting creed. But tonight, I am not so […]
[…] many Gen Yers, I have an amazing relationship with my mom and dad. They are warm and loving parents; and […]
People always look at me like I’m freak because I still talk to my mom after graduating college. Is it the American norm to give your parents the cold shoulder when you are out on your own? It seems so disloyal to me….
Ok. My parents are terrible source for advice.. hell, they’re just plain terrible. I couldn’t wait to get away from them, and I’m glad I don’t talk to them more than once a month, and usually only because I have to.
Articles like this piss me off, because it makes me feel like the abuse I endured at my parents’ hands has marked me out as a failure for life. I’ve actually had situations at work where people have asked about my parents, and I’m thinking to myself: ‘Do I tell them my parents are monsters and that I ran away and never looked back’, or do I lie and tell them ‘oh, yes, I miss my parents SOOO much’.
I spent my whole life trying to crawl out from under my parents’ dark shadow by working and studying hard. Its so rare to find anyone who is appreciative of that in the workplace.
[…] to solve my problems for me (and hope they never call my boss), a number of us think it’s perfectly okay to maintain a close relationship with the nest. They’ve been where we’re going, shouldn’t we […]
I agree with bah. I’ve seen helicopter parenting too – I like to call it overparenting without parenting – and it ain’t pretty.