Happiness is relative, but I’ve been really happy lately. Secrets to happiness? Yes, I’ve got those. Try exercising, meditation, setting goals, spending time with friends and family, trying new things. Those should all sound familiar; people tell you those things all the time and they may or may not work for you. The real secret? I’ll get to that in a moment… (and it isn’t something foolish like follow-through).
Meditation, though. That’s something people are hot about lately. “It’s like a key that opens the door to the treasury within,” filmmaker David Lynch tells a New York Times columnist. “Here’s an experience — poooft! — total brain coherence. It’s what’s missing from life today: unbounded intelligence, creativity, bliss, love, energy, peace. Things like tension, anxieties, traumatic stress, sorrow, depression, hate, rage, need for revenge, fear — poooft! — all this starts to lift away. You see life getting better and better and better. Give the people that experience and — poooft. Man, it’s beautiful.”
This coming from the man who created Twin Peaks and Mullholland Drive. The point of meditation isn’t bliss (as any earnest attempt to understand the practice will reveal), but let’s look at the delusions supported in Lynch’s statement – primarily, that meditation will bring you peace. While the practice certainly can do that for you momentarily, we are decidedly fooling ourselves if we think that we can rid ourselves of negative emotions all together.
A great many people try and fail in that pursuit of happiness. Blogger Jenny Blake wrote a book on the topic and shortly after its launch admitted that “The book is meant to be aspirational — even for me.” It’s aspirational, but is presented as realistic. No one could possibly do or be everything in Blake’s book, and yet, that is the ambition. Why is impossible the ideal?
Society gets off on when you compare yourself to others, when you try to live by other’s beliefs, or when you try to get others to live by yours, and so and so forth. Unconditional happiness is just as destructive as uncontrollable anger. But the happiness ideal states you should learn from failures (instead of feel upset) and find lessons in whatever goes wrong. Theoretically, these happy nuggets serve to make sense of your pain but in reality, all they do is suppress it which is exhausting.
“Those who keep a check on their frustrations are at least three times more likely to admit they have disappointing personal lives and have hit a glass ceiling in their career. But those who let their anger out in a constructive manner were more likely to be professionally well-established, as well as enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with loved ones,” reports a study by the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
“People think of anger as a terribly dangerous emotion and are encouraged to practise ‘positive thinking’, but we find that approach is self-defeating and ultimately a damaging denial of dreadful reality,” says Professor George Vaillant, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School.
Let’s go back to meditation. One type of meditation is yoga, which is a study in the union of opposites (think Dog/Cat). In that vein, I’d like to suggest that happiness is not the end goal, but that you are always feeling happiness, and you are always feeling pain, in every moment. And that the union of these two emotions, and indeed many others, is the end goal, not the glorification of one over the other.
Struggle isn’t something to overcome then (and feel good about after), but just is. Some days things will go your way, and some days they won’t. Personal growth advocates assume you want to avoid those bad days whereas I don’t think that’s possible or necessary. In the moment you are failing, you are also succeeding.
Life is great and it sucks, always simultaneously. Most people can’t live in that environment so they live in delusions. Religion, personal development, companies – all are too eager to create those delusions for you. But life is a duality and I’m all for happiness, just not at the sacrifice of negativity, depression, anger, tension, anxiety, stress, hate, rage, or sorrow.
33 replies on “The Delusions of Happiness”
“Life is great and it sucks, always simultaneously.”
That is so perfect. But it’s not something we’re supposed to talk about it or acknowledge. It’s incredibly unrealistic to presume that we should always be happy and, quite frankly, those who always appear to be happy creep me out.
I used to be consumed by unhappiness. And I think that it is a constant struggle, but what has clicked for me is just a realization of myself and a deeper sense of self-awareness. In those I hate my life moments there is a realization that this has happened before – I have felt exactly this way before – and it has passed and here I am. And being aware and accepting that life sucks sometimes, it just does – and that that’s normal, is helpful in remembering that you’re not a freak for feeling that life is horrible in any given moment.
You hit the nail on the head – somehow people who don’t believe life is great all the time have a weakness that needs to be cured by mood-stabilizing drugs or positive thinking – if only we realized life was wonderful all the time! That’s totally unrealistic however. I have had similar experiences to you and have spent a great deal of energy and unhappiness trying to be happy like other people seemingly are. In accepting that pleasure and pain go together, I have balanced myself out. I probably have equal number of bad days and instances, but there aren’t the extremes anymore. That as you say, pain is just as normal and acceptable as pleasure.
Great points Rebecca. I’ve always said that some of the biggest problems with the concept of happiness are 1) its inherent imprecision (ask any two people in the world what it means, and you’ll get two different definitions), and 2) its glorification. Your point about every state being necessary is wise and, at the very least, worth considering.
Here are a couple of posts that I wrote some time ago about the topic. I don’t agree with all that I’ve said in the past, but they still present interesting points:
http://www.owlsparks.com/decisions/the-consequences-of-imprecision/
http://www.owlsparks.com/decisions/the-mistaken-priority-of-happiness/
http://www.owlsparks.com/advice/a-case-for-love-vocabulary/
http://www.owlsparks.com/work/happiness-hyperopia/
Hope people won’t see this as self-promotion, but as an offer to expand on my points, and to take the discussion further.
Once again, fantastic article Rebecca.
First off, I love that you said “I don’t agree with all that I’ve said in the past.” For me, blogging isn’t a declaration of set ideas but a continuing exploration. I think too often it’s assigned to the former category, so I appreciate your willingness to be open about your changes.
All the posts you linked to (and please link anytime), reminded me of an ongoing conversation I’m having with an author, which somewhat inspired this post. She is theorizing that “the notion that a job should now bring fulfillment is such a radical concept – it’s almost as radical as the concept of marrying for love.” In present day, she argues relationships and jobs are things they never were before – “vessels for personal development and well-being, among other things.”
I believe part of this has come about with the rise of technology, which simultaneously stripped meaningful fulfillment and opened it up to everyone because now we all had infinite more choices, and how-to articles, and people to measure ourselves to and so on and so forth. Not only that, but technology drastically changed the way people work – we sit in a cube all day, which is incredibly soul-sucking. We’re so unhappy as a society that we’re obsessed with the pursuit of happiness. That is just the balance of how things go. So now everyone is on a search for happiness and fulfillment. I don’t believe we’re supposed to find happiness however, but a balance. Pleasure and pain will always exist, but I think we can bring the two into a more meaningful and manageable up and down instead of the extremes we have today…. maybe. I am still thinking on this.
I truly believe that every change of values and behaviours comes from changes in technology first, so I do agree with you on its impact. Not sure about the way it has changed us (in an article for a Spanish journal of social sciences, I argued that technology exposed us to millions of definitions of something that we thought we knew), but it sure has been a major force.
Great point on comparing work with marriage.Maybe a little disconnected, but it reminded me of this quote by James Albert Michener:
“The master of the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him, he’s always doing both.”
“Technology exposed us to millions of definitions of something that we thought we knew” – that seems right on to me. Would love to see that article, but I assume it is in Spanish which I am not fluent in – boo.
That’s a great quote on dualities. Society thrives on polarizing extremes, but trying to live in one of those extremes is exhausting. We live in a system where we’re all connected, not a silo.
Meditation is boring. I say so in my next book (due out in June). At least it’s boring if the point is some (unattainable?) end goal, as you suggest. Perhaps it’s not so boring if it just is – allowing you the time to achieve clarity. Hopefully, that clarity can highlight the dual reality you suggest (great/sucks, pain/happiness).
Great post. Life is not as simple as we all wish. It’s complex. And that makes it worth living.
I like meditation :) I agree if you’re pursuing meditation in tandem with your pursuit of happiness, you may be in trouble. I think the reason meditation is so difficult for many, especially in present day, is that at first you have to be alone with your thoughts and that’s scary, especially if you believe you should be thinking a certain way or about certain things. But in meditation you do not pass judgement on your thoughts. You simply let a thought arrive, examine it, and let it pass. Eventually, and this is really difficult for even a short amount of time, perhaps you have a mind clear of thoughts. That isn’t so happiness can rush in though. Enlightenment is not happiness.
meditation can be boring. but boring is relative, too. meditation is actually quite exciting some of the time. moreso, meditation is education. when you sit with thoughts -or without thoughts-you are training your mind to stay balanced. a trained mind, in general, is happier during the complexities of life, or so i’ve found.
meditation is good :)
Life is wonderful, all the time! We’re here. Period. Wonderful. But it doesn’t mean you have to be happy all of the time; I enjoyed the post. Be angry and happy and you’ll be healthy, mentally and emotionally.
Speaking of happiness, I love the Beatles song “Happiness is a Warm Gun” referring to drugs, in my opinion. It was my favorite scene in the movie: Across the Universe. The music video was shot in a VA hospital and a Vietnam vet was singing the song – he wanted morphine. Singing “Happiness is a Warm Gun” in this scenario is incredibly powerful coming from a person who was (likely) drafted against his free will; his life turned upside down, dreams/ambitions squashed. Attainable happiness in world now is boiled to a warm gun (syringe).
Ahh, I love the Beatles! I’ve only seen parts of Across the Universe, but have been wanting to see the whole thing in it’s entirety. Another good example here of how happiness is relative. I’m glad you enjoyed the post – a little daunting to put out there – will people just think I’m an angry complainer or a debbie downer?, but of course, everyone feels that way. We just all want each other to think we don’t.
Yes, it’s a great movie! I recommend it. I’ve heard that people either love it or hate it, but it’s all in how you perceive it, right? It is a musical so be ready to accept that the plot weaving around Beatles songs. No, I don’t think it’s a daunting post! Happiness is relative and, in my opinion it’s a state of mind not a goal. People mistakenly think it’s a goal to be achieved i.e. “pursuit of happiness.” You can have career and personal goals but after you reach them (or if you don’t), what then? Is your emotional well being or happiness dependent on these things? I say it can’t be.
Exactly – well said!
Add that if we all derived happiness from the same thing, life would be pretty boring. What makes life interesting and happy and sad is we are all looking for something different. The thing that we deem is missing. The thing that can turn sad to happy or boring to interesting. Each of us is on our own search for what fulfills us, and it’s different for each of us. “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you know is fighting some kind of battle,” is how I try to interact with everyone. I’ve found that the happiest people have some big battles going on that you wouldn’t guess. And the sourest people have the least challenges and just can’t find happiness in their struggles.
I do think happiness is different for many people, but trying to find happiness in our struggles is part of what I think hurts us. Why is the goal always happiness? Why can’t it just be struggle sometimes? As I mention in the post, I am increasingly seeing life as a duality where you experience pleasure and pain simultaneously. I guess if that’s what you mean about finding happiness in struggle, then I agree. But if we’re trying to find happiness to avoid struggle or to eliminate it from our lives, than I think that only adds to the problem.
I love this and totally agree. I have couples come in and any time one (or both) of them have an “issue” (anger management or depression, for example) they have the tendency to start apologizing to me and saying things like “I know I should just get over it”. No, no, no! Negative emotions are valid and useful and, like you said, necessary for emotional health. I think a big reason our country is riddled with addiction of all shapes and sizes is because we are so terrified of feeling anything other than happiness and butterflies.
And this is all coming from Sunshine Bear herself.
Ha! One of the reasons I love your blog, Marie, is because you carry the balance well. I wouldn’t really call you a sunshine bear; you have such humor and irreverence – and yet, a solid belief system – it’s fabulous. It’s great to hear from a counselor on this issue as well. I think we often go into counseling with the idea that we have to be desperately wounded and come out miraculously cured. When in reality, like you say, your negative emotions are valid. You don’t need to store them away. I wish more people understood what was great about counseling!
David Lynch talks about Transcendental Meditation (TM), one of the many forms of meditation in the world. He comes to my hometown frequently, where (http://www.maharishischooliowa.org/) my school has TM and yoga before and after classes each day. His foundation (http://www.davidlynchfoundation.org/) helps to bring inner peace to students, families, parents, even programs in prisons through meditation. It is never meant to make all stress go away but rather act as the tool to help alleviate it in our day-to-day lives. It also does bring bliss – it’s not just for the moment.
I should know, since I was 5 I have been meditating everyday (Kindergarten – 12th grade in school) and to this very day.
I like this analogy about TM – it acts as the flu (the opening) in a chimney. Inevitably in our lives, the smoke (stress) will billow up, cake the chimney walls, and sometimes create a mess if the flu isn’t opened to allow the smoke to escape. Whatever your “meditation” might be (maybe it’s a hike, maybe it’s prayer, maybe it’s taking a run, maybe it’s through food, etc.) I think it’s important to have that outlet. We should never be disillusioned to think it will solve everything. We are after all, mortal and impressionable and life is HARD.
However, we can equip ourselves to tap within to some sort of resource that is deeper than the surface level we skate upon each day. Great post. Clearly it resonates with me, it’s my entire life and the “interesting” way I was raised ;)
This is some interesting research that shows reduced anxiety, decreased depression, increased calmness, etc. from Harvard to U of Michigan to American Medical Institution (http://www.davidlynchfoundation.org/scientific-evidence-that-the-program-works.html) for TM specifically. It’s interesting to see the hard facts…
I completely agree meditation has benefits. Everything in my first paragraph I do, believe in and have benefited from – that includes meditation. I strongly agree that certain outlets as you mention can help mediate the extremes we live in today. I take issue with Lynch’s prosthelytizing however. Negative emotions don’t just suddenly disappear. Here’s another quote from that same NYT article: “I felt a freedom and happiness growing inside. It was like — poooft! — I felt a kind of smile from Mother Nature. The world looked better and better. It’s an ocean of unbounded love within us, so it’s real hard to get a conflict going.” Really? Is that why Lynch has had four wives then? ;)
Your ideas of alleviating stress and Lynch’s ideas aren’t in line with each other. My thought is that there is no reason to alleviate stress – that stress is there for a reason. And when you’re feeling stress, you are also relaxed at the same time. I think meditation may get at this for many (perhaps what Lynch is getting at with the unbounded love bit). Again, my issue isn’t with the practice itself, but the obsession with happiness in society and the notion that if you have negative emotions something is wrong with you. To the contrary (or kontrary, ha!), hate is just as natural as love and indeed, you couldn’t have one without the other.
The very idea that we are something to solve seems convoluted to me. Why do I need to fix my emotions? Was I broken to begin with? I don’t think so. The language we use – ugh! And do we need these outlets increasingly because increasingly it’s not okay to show any emotion besides happiness? So, we rely on running for three miles instead of saying what we think? I don’t have this figured out either; just sort of talking out loud here, seeing what sticks…
Ah got it. I’m not sure that David thinks that all negativity just goes away permanently or that there should be no negativity – but I can’t speak for him. That’s just one quote he provided.
I also think it’s harder for you to speak about TM, this specific form of meditation because it’s far different (more research too) than just sitting, closing your eyes and breathing. There are trained TM teachers, a mantra, etc. It’s a different form of meditation and without practicing it before, it’s a non-experience. The effects are different and I am speaking to (as David is specifically to TM) almost 20 years of it.
I do believe in alleviating stress. I also think that good/bad/evil/happiness/laughter/sadness etc. are all necessary for life’s progression. We cannot know success without failure, etc.
I would never want it all poof gone (as maybe David alludes to) but I also know a life that is far less stressful, I don’t react as poorly, I’m not bogged down as much and I don’t let stress run my life. I’m pretty sure both you and I know a lot of people that are so stressed, it is actually STRESSFUL and uncomfortable to be around them. It’s draining. To me, that isn’t something I strive for…maybe some do.
And I really like your last point that we don’t need to go out and “solve” something. However, I truly believe that life is always a work in progress. Sitting on our heals and not doing much, doesn’t allow us to walk to the edge in life, push boundaries, grow, love harder, forgive, etc. I think there is always something someone can work on…and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Definitely can’t speak to TM, but am certainly intrigued now! You should write a post on it :)
I think you’re right about the alleviating stress thing too – I mean, on a practical level we need to alleviate stress. Just as a philosophical approach to life and in terms of affirmations, I like to remind myself that stress is there for a reason. That helps me align.
And I absolutely agree we should always strive to be better, just not in the pursuit of happiness alone. Something I’ve tried to avoid saying here because it’s so cliche, but I will now revert to because it’s so freaking true is that it is about the journey.
I know, I should. I have spoken about it/written about it but a full post would be interesting. It’s funny that it’s “hip” now – but I remember in high school people thinking I was very weird and different. Probably why I live in places like Burlington, VT and Boulder :) I wouldn’t want to be raised any other way.
Stress is definitely there for a reason. I think the challenges are necessary for life and I suppose what we choose to do with our actions and choices is important.
So the thought of even thinking about meditating scares me because I can’t imagine sitting quiet and still for more than a couple of minutes. But at this point I think you know that about me. Really what I love about this post is the point you make about happiness. It reminds me of when I’m sick, I kick myself for not appreciating how I feel when I’m healthy. As soon as your soar throat clears up you are thankful but it’s not long before you stop appreciating it. What I’m getting at is you have to have some bad before you can appreciate the good. Life is all about balance. If we were always happy you wouldn’t appreciate it, and to me that’s the whole point.
“What I’m getting at is you have to have some bad before you can appreciate the good.” That sums it up! I really do increasingly believe that life is about balance as well – that whole union of opposites thing. And meditation isn’t that hard! I mean, it is, but you can do it :) I do think different things work for different people though. I really love running lately and have been doing more of that and less meditation, but both have their benefits!
To take this idea a step further, if it weren’t for some bad, it wouldn’t have been possible for some good occur. If people hadn’t gotten angry, we would have been without advances. Womens rights, racial equality, just to name a few. Sometime anger is a healthy motivation to change what needs to be changed.
Exactly! We need a Universe that has both. We won’t ever have a Nirvana where everyone is happy all the time; it simply can’t exist. Nor do I think most of us would ultimately want it to.
I agree, I love running. I think for me this is definitely a good meditation. We should run together sometime soon!
I wonder if thinking in terms of the happiness/unhappiness binary is itself a little useless. “Happiness”, like “unhappiness” is something of an empty term. It does not speak to accomplishments, motivation or, most importantly, meaning, but rather describes only a state of being. It concerns me that so many frame their goals using these terms. It should be no surprise that many do not find meaning or fulfillment in their pursuit of happiness, as the goal of happiness itself does not incorporate these more important goals.
” What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.” – Viktor Frankl, who writes beautifully on the supremacy of meaning over happiness.
Yes, this is definitely part of what I was getting at. The pursuit of happiness as your end goal doesn’t take into account, well, everything else. Love that Viktor Frankl quote. I will say however as I mentioned to Carlos below that we’re a culture recently obsessed with fulfillment (which we equate with happiness) and so that is driving a lot of this. Our jobs were never supposed to bring us fulfillment before, but probably the isolating nature of sitting in front of our computer screens in a cubicle is so numbing that now we’re reacting against that in the extreme.
“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.” — Victor Hugo
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