Category: Relationships

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Career Happiness Relationships Women

The Loosening of Ambition

I have a horrible memory, but I remember Ryan asking me to move to DC. Sitting next to each other knee to knee, looking away, biting my inner cheek while he explained why his company needed to relocate. I waited, re-forming his words in my brain while he talked, and then, he wants me to come with him, doesn’t think he can do it without me.

I remember Thank You. Relief. Finally. (And hooray big city!) Thank you for taking me away, letting me play big, taking me with you. 

The move, four years ago now, was supposed to be temporary. But it was also supposed to be permanent; you keep up a facade for the sake of transition. Uprooting it all is easier when you think you can come back. I moved to get out of the Midwest where I had lived my entire life, to do the next big thing, and to serve my ambition. Basically, I moved for me. But I also moved for love and for Ryan, more so than I knew at the time.

My job in Madison let me work remotely, which seemed like a good idea then. Who doesn’t want to work from home, especially in a place like DC? I imagined myself traipsing around the city, diving into museums, opening my laptop and leaning back, legs elongated and crossed at the ankles, surveying the people, twirling a pen between my fingers. But I didn’t do those things. And working from home sucked.

I spent most days in a dark apartment we found after viewing twelve places in twelve hours; it was the best out of a dozen, and we signed the lease to have an address for our U-Haul. After we moved in, we realized the windows faced a brick wall. The irony should have alerted me then. In Madison, I thought I was a big fish in a small pond (as much as a young twenty-something could be a big fish). In DC, I wasn’t a small fish in a big pond, it was more like I didn’t exist.

I didn’t get out and meet anyone as I was still tricking myself into thinking we might move back. There was no urgency for me to build a network as I still had my job. And I continued to hold onto the supposed heaven of working from home. Meanwhile, Ryan, whose company situation was precarious before the move (part of the “why” of relocation), was flourishing. You’re not supposed to be jealous of your partner but I was jealous. All of a sudden, everyone knew who he was and all about his company. But no one had heard of the startup I worked for. As time went on, I became increasingly isolated.

Life started to revolve around Ryan in ways I didn’t expect. He passed on speaking engagements he couldn’t or didn’t want to do. Told me about consulting opps from his network. A new job opening from someone he knew. What little career I strung together, I did under his wing. I never imagined myself as the girl who follows her boyfriend across the country, but that’s what I did. I never imagined myself defeated, not knowing what to do next, finding it difficult to get out of the house, intimidated and riddled with anxiety, but that’s what I was.

Sometimes our relationship felt like two bricks tied to my ankles, drowning me in a sea of opportunities. I kept this quiet of course; it wasn’t true, but the weight of my own responsibility was weighted even more with depression. I had the ability to create my future, my present, but chose not to day after day. I oscillated between stuffing down feelings of worthlessness to day-dreaming about starting over on my own alone.

One time I had a job opportunity in New York, something I was really excited about, and got to the final round of interviews. They said I didn’t get the job because the plan to work remotely and travel in between didn’t work. I offered to move to New York temporarily, say for three months, even six, but it didn’t work. And I couldn’t lie and say I would move there for real; we live in DC. And we live here for Ryan’s company.

After, when I told Ryan that I offered to move to New York, he was taken aback. You wouldn’t have really moved, would you? he asked. In my mind: YES. Then I shrugged. Maybe. In my mind: Maybe not.

My choice was largely unconscious over time, but I did prioritize the role of supportive girlfriend, fiancé, and now wife over ambition. And this is what women do. We have careers, we have ambitions, and then love, society, and a lack of vigilance gets in the way.

The ability to have it all, let alone do it all, rests on the supposition that we know what it “all” is, and succeeding in the idea presupposes that we have a choice in the matter, which we often don’t. A modern patriarchy leaves women subtle cues and not-so-subtle mixed messages that layer on top of each other to form a confused haze. We’re left fighting for personal clarity, for the knowledge of what one wants over expectations and transitions, for independence in the midst of love, for careers in the midst of relationships.

I am lucky to have a partner who, when I realized the tiny box I was in and of my own making, allowing myself to be pulled along by the gentle machinations of society, didn’t insist on professions of contentedness or ask, “Why aren’t you/can’t you be happy?” but rather opened up the world and said, this is for you. There is time.

But it’s hard to support your partner and take your own path. Especially when the path isn’t obvious or bumps up against invisible rules or biological clocks (shout-out to love, marriage and the baby carriage!). Unconditional love and support means the ability to fly and be rooted, to gamble and be protected. You get both freedom and security. And while ambition can be amplified in a relationship, a careful watch for its loosening and slipping, then settling, must be kept. Keep a lookout for your mind, worth just as much as his. Vow allegiance to love and independence. Guard your decisions with intention. The world needs the depths and dreams of a woman.

Categories
Knowing yourself Personal branding Relationships Self-management Women

What’s In a Name? Feminism After Marriage

I did not take the decision lightly to take my husband’s name. Many people were surprised (because here, here, here, here and here). But I have always known I would change my name, painful as it was to drop my maiden name Thorman, and its matriarchal lineage.

In my family, the women are the strong ones, and my mother is very strong. Thorman was my mother’s maiden name, which she came back to after divorcing her first husband, and she never married my father, who later died too early. I was first and foremost always my mother’s daughter and always had the name Thorman.

I didn’t always like it, of course. What I had learned to say in the most least offensive manner on my tongue would come out the opposite of sonorous from others. No, it’s not THUR-man. And I would always cringe when -MAN was emphasized. Or THOR-. Or anything that wasn’t a quick passing of two syllables on a person’s lips.

But who likes their name when they’re young anyway? Even my first name became Becca or Becka or Bex and I tried to see if I could be Samantha too. Ah, the eighties. When every young girl wanted to be the beautiful and elegant Samantha, and the fun and friendly Sam for short. Even back then we tried to have it all.

As I grew older, my name meant more to me. Thorman came to represent my mother, and our shared history together.  To lose Thorman wasn’t to just shed a name I grew up with, but a name that stood for strength and unconditional love. Many women keep their maiden name for similar familial meaning. Names are part of our identity, however you cut it.

So I could have kept Thorman and taken “a stand against the family’s historical swallowing up of women’s identity.” Or I could have hyphenated. I could have become Thorman-Healy, or even dropped my middle name and moved Thorman up to make room for Healy at the end. The number of naming conventions is many, if not impractical and confusing.

Rebecca Tuhus-Dubrow argues in the New York Times that “the inconveniences [of a hyphenated name] — blank stares, egregious misspellings — are outweighed by the blessing of never having to worry about a Google doppelgänger…. [but] the problem, of course, is that this naming practice is unsustainable.” Growing up, Tuhus-Dubrow constantly fielded the questions, “What will you do if you marry someone else with two last names? Will your kids have four names?”

On Slate’s podcast Mom & Dad Are Fighting (yes, I listen to a parenting podcast; no, we don’t have kids yet), Dan Kois and guest host Hanna Rosin talk about their kid’s last names. Rosin decided to use the combined surname Rosin Plotz for her kids, a non-hyphenated homage to both her and her husband’s name (“Now you can ask me if I regret that decision,” she says. “Yeah! Who wants to be named Rosin Plotz?”), while Kois argues that hyphenated names “feel like a generational Jenga, like somewhere six generations down the line it’s all going to collapse as everything gets piled on top of itself.” Still, he expresses regret that he and his wife decided not to hyphenate their kid’s names at all. “I think that would have been cool,” he says.

And honestly, what’s cool and sounds good often wins out. The path of least resistance is often the most practical, because no one wants to get stuck with the ugly name or a surname seventeen letters long.  

My own decision was a little of that, and a lot about family. I wanted to be known as “The Healys,” I wanted to write “The Healys” on envelopes and I wanted to be secure that our future kids would always know we are “The Healy Family.” I changed my name to create our family identity.

It isn’t about joining Ryan’s family or discarding mine; it’s about creating our own. Some feel the best way to do that is to combine or hyphenate names, to keep their maiden name, to take the woman’s name, or to create an amalgam, while I felt the best way to do it was to take Ryan’s name. There are parts of me that feels pangs for the Thorman name. A name change is never as simple as a few different letters; identity runs deep. And what Thorman represents is still there.

Like I can’t help but cringe when mail arrives addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Healy” or “Mrs. Ryan Healy.” I do remain my own person, and I would much prefer to be addressed as “Mr. and Mrs. Healy,” or “The Healys,” or “Ryan & Rebecca Healy,” and certainly “Rebecca Healy” if you’re referring to just me. But I am happy we are a unit.

Together, we’ll create belonging and meaning and tradition. You can create that with all sorts of manners of names, but our identity will be under just one. After two hours at the Social Security office, a twenty-four hour hold, another two hours at the DMV, and fifteen days later, it became official.

I’m still Rebecca, and now we’re The Healys.

Did you decide to keep, hyphenate or drop your surname? How did you and your partner decide? What will you or did you name your kids?

Categories
Behind the Money Honest Accounting Relationships

How Much Does the Dang Thing Cost? An Honest Accounting of a Modern Wedding

This is Part 2 of talking about my recent marriage. Read Part 1, How to Get Married After a Long-Term Relationship, here.

Okay, let’s preface this post right upfront:

1) “Expensive” and “cheap” are relative terms. But know that we live in Washington, DC and it’s one of the wealthiest – and most expensive – places to live in the country, so that’s where our paradigm comes from.

2) We all browse the wedding blogs and Pinterest in anticipation of the big day. As we gain inspiration, our budget gains dollar signs. During my research, I found it exasperating that no one ever, ever shared price tags (um, $ vs $$$ is not helpful). I desperately wanted to see how much a wedding truly cost, so I hope this helps future brides and grooms. This isn’t meant to brag or express regret; it’s simply a report of what we spent (okay, there is some bragging, some regret).

3) No BS here. This is an honest all-in accounting of how much our wedding cost. I include the cost of the dress and decorations, all the way down to the cost of airline snacks, sales tax and last-minute wrinkle releaser. If anything, I’m meticulous and that’s what you get here.

Where Do You Start?

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We started with the venue, believing if we could find the right venue, everything else would fall into place. We started looking in or just outside where we currently live, our Capitol city of Washington, DC. I think I researched every single freakin’ venue within a 100 mile radius (obsessive much?).

Originally I didn’t want to spend more than $5000 – $7000 (this was after Ryan talked me out of eloping with a cost of $50.) I kept thinking there must be a deal that I was just missing, a hidden gem that would be perfect, beautiful, and cheap. The recession was just a couple years ago; surely couples weren’t still spending outrageous amounts on one day?

Hahahaha, oh how naive I was.

I searched high and low for off-beat venues, from art galleries to schools to barns to wineries to Airbnb locations to office space in an old Living Social building. Trust me, all the venues with the “we’re-not-really-trying-hard-for-our-wedding” vibe have caught on and are charging just as much as the usual suspects.

The cheapest venue I found was a park pavilion with a rental fee of $50, but that was impossible to book in our time frame (who are all these people booking 2 years in advance??). And Ryan didn’t like my potluck wedding idea (boo!). The next cheapest venue was an old mill 34 minutes away for a $950 rental fee. Neither of us liked it.

We raised the budget to $10,000, but were adamant this was the max we wanted to spend. It’s not that we didn’t have the money to spend more, but rather that we preferred to spend that money on a down payment, retirement, and our marriage — not the wedding.

Most reasonable venues in and around DC were a minimum of $3000 to rent (before any food), and we resigned ourselves to spending more. Except, we didn’t like any of the new venues either. I got depressed, and we stopped looking.

How Much Does a Wedding Cost?

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A wedding budget is a personal decision. That’s the politically correct thing to say anyway. But in reality, a wedding’s costs are due in large part to family, friends and social influence. Marriage is an industry. “Couples are victimized by their own fantasies, cajoled by media visions of celebrity nuptials, and pressured by friends, family, even strangers posting idyllic photos on Pinterest,” reports USA Today.

The average wedding cost is $28,427 – and most couples go over-budget (including us). I continued to be depressed and felt like I just wasn’t savvy enough to find the deals until I learned that DC area couples have a hard time planning their weddings for under $35,000.

And that’s when we started to look outside of DC.

Where Did We Save?

Before we reveal all the details of our wedding, let’s talk first about where we did not spend our money.

We did not pay for 250 guests. The primary way we kept costs down was to have a small wedding. We had 65 guests and this definitely had the most impact in keeping costs down after the choice of venues. Part of this was intentional – we didn’t invite that many people – but it was also because we essentially had a destination wedding. While it was not at a tropical beach, it was expensive for most folks to fly to Madison, and not everyone we invited could make it.

We did not pay for a wedding planner. If I could have, I would have paid a wedding planner $10,000 to plan us a $5000 wedding. It would have been worth it for someone to handle it all. Alas, wedding planners don’t work that way.

Instead, a week before the wedding, we realized it would be nice to have a Day of Coordinator to handle details like filling the balloons, setting up the music and so forth. We reached out to an old friend in Madison, and she was game to help us out. We initially offered her $100, but gave her another $100 when all was said and done because she was so fabulous. I wish I could have given her even more.

We did not pay for wedding invites/postage. Instead, we put up a wedding website, which cost $12 for the URL and $42 for the WordPress theme. We sent email invites out directing people to the wedding website, where they could also RSVP.

We did not pay for the “rehearsal dinner” the night before, but we did invite folks out to our favorite steakhouse, the Tornado Room. And because some folks didn’t get in until late Friday night, it was really more of a “Wedding Party & Special Guest Dinner.” We paid for our friend/officiant’s meal, but no one else’s. We told people ahead of time there would be individual checks in case folks wanted to make other plans, but no one complained.

We did not pay for drinks the night before. After the steakhouse dinner, we invited all of our guests to the Irish pub Brocach for drinks Friday night. Again, we made clear this was an informal gathering and everyone would pay their own tabs. It was a great night.

We did not pay for hair and makeup. Or tanning, or false lashes, or teeth whitening. I once read that a bride shouldn’t look as if she were a different person on her wedding day, and took that to heart. I did my own makeup and wore my hair the same way I wear it every day. Ryan teared up when I walked down the aisle, so mission accomplished.

We did not pay for fancy flowers. The morning of the wedding, we got peonies and daisies at the Madison Farmer’s Market for myself and the ladies. I wasn’t planning to get flowers for the reception, but after buying pink peonies for my bouquet, we found white peonies I liked better, so we ended up using the pink ones at dinner. Total cost: $60.

We did not pay for programs. I designed cheeky programs at home, and printed four-to-a-page. The morning I was supposed to deliver the programs to our Day of Coordinator, I used the paper cutter at the hotel to divide them up. They were a huge hit.

We did not pay for live music. We love live music, but I’m glad we decided to go the iPod route, because I don’t even remember the music while walking down the aisle. Guys, I was so nervous, I can’t even tell you.

We did not pay for a cake. Although we did get dessert platters for folks with a sweet tooth.

We did not pay for a DJ. No room for dancing, so no room for a DJ. I love to dance however, and luckily at the after-party there was a DJ (not planned), and one of our friends joined them at the booth and we got in our drunken dancing after most of our guests had left. Loved it.

We did not pay for a second outfit. My big skirt came with us the entire night.

We did not pay for after-party cocktails or cigars at Maduro, our after-party location. We also did not reserve space at Maduro, so it was a risk going there after dinner. This ended up being one of my favorite parts of the night however – to just be normal on a not-so-normal night.

We did not pay for favors. Memories are enough, don’t you think?

We did not pay for a brunch the day after. Again, everyone paid for their own, and we paid for our meals. We invited everyone, but with people’s travel schedules, not many folks showed up. If I were to do it again, I would just skip brunch all together. Neither Ryan or I slept the night before – or the night before that – and we were exhausted.

We did not require groomsmen and bridesmaids to wear a certain outfit. While this isn’t reflected in our budget, I think our wedding party was happy about it. The groomsmen wore existing gray suits that they owned, while we paid for ties, pocket squares, shades, and alcohol. The moms and bridesmaids wore dresses they picked out on their own. My sister and best friend happened to pick out the same dress in different colors, and both moms picked out dresses with lace – awesome. Given that both moms are in their 60s, my sister flew across an ocean for the wedding and my best friend was pregnant, I just wanted everyone to be comfortable.

Where Did We Spend?

The moment we decided to host our wedding in Madison, WI – the city where we met, had our first fight, first date, fell in love, and got engaged (in that order) – I felt relief.

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More than anything, we wanted our wedding to be something special – for us. Besides the extraordinary cost, nowhere in DC could compete with all the personal history we had in Madison. While we plan to stay in DC indefinitely, we loved the idea that Madison would always be a special place with meaningful memories that we could visit (in the Summers, of course; never visit Madison in the Winter).

It was the best decision for our wedding — and our budget.

Venues

We didn’t have to search for venues, because each wedding location represented a different part of our story. Within 24 hours of making the decision, we had booked the venues, the photographer, the hotel, and more. We knew many of the people we booked with personally from our time in Madison (while Madisonians like to say it has a big city feel, Madison is still a small town), and it looked like we could manage the day for just over our budget of $10,000.

Ceremony

Our ceremony was at the Overture Center for the Arts, a structure designed by renowned architect Cesar Pelli, and we both love art and culture. I really wanted an outdoor ceremony, but feared I would worry myself off a cliff about potential rain, so we nixed the idea. Besides, Overture was within walking distance to everything else.

We got the Overture’s ceremony fee ½ off because we were willing to wait to confirm our booking until the last minute (hooray!). However, even with the discount, this was more expensive than I was expecting.

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Drinks

We had drinks and appetizers at the Great Dane Pub & Brewery, the location where we first met in person (after we met online blogging). The Dane has great local beer, and is a Madison institution. They required a $500 guarantee in spending for 2 hours, which included the food and seemed reasonable for our calculations.

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Dinner

For dinner, we took everyone to Cooper’s Tavern, the spot where Ryan nervously chugged a beer (or two) just moments before he proposed on the steps of the Capitol on a business trip last year. We ate rustic food overlooking the Capitol Square, where we not only got engaged, but also had our first date during a Concert on the Square.

The spending minimum was $3000 for food and drink, which was both reasonable and doable, and there was no rental fee!

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Dress

My dress was custom-made after I tried on similar dresses for 2x or 3x the cost. During the weeks leading up the wedding, I was under constant stress wondering if I had made the right decision until I had it altered by the sweetest woman in Dupont Circle for $100 (such a steal!).

If I could go back and change something, it would be the level of importance I put on that dress.  I would have liked to have spent less and even gotten a $200 dress at a department store. This is one of those places I felt a lot of pressure from family and friends.

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Suit

Ryan’s suit was also custom-made by Indochino, and while it cost almost as much as my dress, it’s something he will wear again and again. We were both surprised, however, that after sending in his measurements, he still had to get the suit altered when it arrived. I think he was just as stressed about his suit as I was about my dress!

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Photographer

Guys, photographers are really expensive. This could easily eat up your whole budget. While I had researched a few photographers to get a sense of cost when we were planning a wedding in DC, I only reached out to one photographer when we decided to have the wedding in Madison. We both knew her when we lived in the city, and I had been following her work ever since. She has a fantastic style and lucky for us, was affordable when compared to the other folks.

I was also pleased and delighted to learn that her costs included an engagement photo session (something we weren’t planning on), and she just happened to be traveling to DC so we got to do the engagement photos here – score!

She also didn’t retain any photo printing rights, which I guess can really add up for some folks.

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What Was the Final Damage?

Here’s the detailed scope:

Initial Budget Actual Budget
Wedding Website
$11.99 domain name
$42 theme		 $54 $54
Marriage License
includes rush fee		 $0 $145
Flights for 2 people
$838 flights for 2
$100 baggage fees		 $632 $938
Hotel for 4 nights
includes breakfast, snacks, water, etc.		 $592 $908.14
Wedding Dress
$1005.8 dress
$59.76 undergarments
$13.97 ribbon
$44.45 veil
$43.99 shoes
$116.33 alterations
 $1000 $1284.30
Wedding Suit
$750 suit
$79 ties and pocket squares
~$80 shades and alcohol
~$100 alterations		 $750 $1009
Day of Coordinator $0 $200
Ceremony Fee (Overture) $772 $772
Officiant
We paid for our friend’s dinner Friday night		 $250 $68.68
Drinks & Appetizers (Great Dane)
Open bar, appetizers
65 guests, includes service charge and sales tax		 $800 $1189.18
Dinner & Drinks (Cooper’s)
Open bar, salad, four entrees, dessert platters
65 guests, includes service charge and sales tax		 $3735 $2689.38
Decorations
$400 for Overture labor to hang streamers
$154.64 for streamers + kraft paper table runners
$100.33 for balloons
$36 for helium
$69 for namecards
~$5 for cardstock programs
 $250 $764.97
Flowers
from the Farmer’s Market		 $250 $60
Photographer
includes engagement + wedding photos		 $2532 $2532
Yellow Bus
for guest transport in between locations		 $750 $210
Meals + Random Charges
includes all lunches, dinners, drinks,
taxis, airport food, wrinkle releaser, etc.		 $0 $699.05
Thank You Notes $0 $101.95
TOTAL $12,366.99 $13,625.64

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How Did We Pay for the Wedding?

Parents.
We asked for minimal gifts from our parents; each side offered and wanted to give more, but it was important to us to pay for what we could on our own.		 $3189
Airbnb.
We rented out an extra room in our apartment to help make some extra dough. This could have been more (in the past, we’ve paid for entire vacations this way), but our landlords told us to stop — boo.		 $1869
Savings.
We split this evenly across both our savings accounts.		 $4784
Cash Wedding Gifts.
We received more checks than this, but spent it on gifts or were able to put it into savings. I will always give cash/checks to future couples; we had no idea how useful this would be.		 $3783
Total $13625

Well, that’s it! What we spent, where we saved, and how we paid for our special day. I hope this helps future couples, and gives them permission to spend where they want (and don’t want) for the big “I do.” I also hope it helps current couples talk more openly about their finances.

To love and money.

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What do you think? Too much spent, too little, or just right? Where did you spend and save?

Photo Credits: Megan Elise Photography.

Categories
Happiness Knowing yourself Relationships Self-management

How to Get Married After a Long-Term Relationship

RyanAndRebeccaEngaged_29Ryan and I were together almost six years before we got married a few weeks ago. People (like me) enjoy asking long-time couples once they’re married, “Do you feel any different?” And the answer is usually, “Not really.”

But I do. For me, marriage is an unknown. I didn’t grow up with an example of marriage or what it meant. My father died when I was in second grade, but even if he had lived, my parents were not married. They loved each other, spent their free time with each other, slept with each other (and then there was me – surprise!), but did not marry each other, for reasons too intricate for now. So I didn’t learn about marriage growing up. I learned Independence. Strength. How to Put Together Furniture Without a Man.

And while I was never sure I would ever get married, Ryan has always been sure he would. If my upbringing was imperfect, his was idyllic. While his parents were both previously married, once they came together, they stayed together. They had Ryan and his brother, and while of course they had ups and downs, they mostly built an All-American life. Which isn’t to say my childhood wasn’t privileged and joyful, just that we did not represent the standard nuclear family.

So do I feel different? I started to when we began to plan the wedding. Besides the streamers and food, we planned not just the order of the ceremony, but our marriage. I knew Ryan was “the one” right away, but five or six years together didn’t help the fear of lifelong commitment weeks before the wedding. I pushed against the idea in my head and then out loud. Very loud.

It came out all sorts of ways, but was mostly this: “Are you sure about this? Are you sure you want to commit to me? Lil’ ole me?” and also this: “Wait, I’m not ready yet! This isn’t where I wanted to be in my life. My identity! My career!”

I dug my heels in, trying to make the time before the big “I do” go slower, to talk about kids, and finances, and how we would fight, and who would get up with the baby, and where we would live. Our imaginary teenagers got into all sorts of trouble and I got upset when it became clear Ryan would be easier on our kids than I would be (dear future kiddos: you will be grounded).

It all took some time to sink in. When you’re as hard on yourself as I am, acceptance is a delicate flower. I came to realize that not being fully formed, well, that was okay. You can enter into marriage without smoothing down all the bumps. God knows, I tried.

Finally, we took a slow one or two hour walk through our favorite running path, down to the Lincoln Memorial (Ryan’s favorite), then along the reflecting pond, past the White House, and back up, past our neighborhood restaurants and shops. I didn’t get everything figured out like I wanted to. Only that I had chosen and had been chosen.

I finished my vows, the promises I made to Ryan, that we would figure the rest out along the way. I promised to go on that journey with him, not knowing what will happen, how we will feel, or what will come next.

When we arrived back home after the wedding, everything looked the same, but also, everything had moved two inches to the right. The space in between opened an entirely new depth in our relationship. I can see glimpses of what our life will be like, but I try to live in the present. My head on his chest, his hand on mine.

This is different. It’s all very different. Every day, my heart opens wider and I don’t know how it can hold so much love.

How did you or will you prepare for your marriage? Do you feel different? How will marriage change your relationship? 

(Psst – Next week, I’ll reveal the more practical side of marriage, including exactly how much our wedding cost and of course, the wedding photos. Update: click here to read.)

Categories
Career Relationships Work/life balance

When You Both Work: 10 Ways to Balance Love & Career

When both partners in a relationship work, it can be difficult to balance love with career. Modern romance often means no one is home to make dinner, and quality time can be hard to find. Over at US News and World Report today, I talk about the ten ways to still find success as a couple while pursuing a career. Read it here.

Categories
Career Relationships Self-management

How to Handle Difficult Career Transitions

How to Handle Difficult Career Transitions

You have the option to listen to this post:

[audio:https://kontrary.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Transitions1.mp3|titles=How to Handle Difficult Career Transitions]

Ever since we moved, I have been doing projects. A lot of them. Whereas other people will spend money on clothes and beer, I will spend money on molding, paint, and shelving. Part of my obsession is that I have a design background, but most of it is that I am an extreme nester. God help me when we decide to get pregnant.

Needless to say, it’s a problem.

Especially since I work from home. I can’t concentrate until everything is done and put in it’s place. Or mostly done. And then, without fail, with every project, there is a moment. A sense of dread. Total exasperation. Exhaustion.

This time around it was the paint. Well, it is always the paint. We didn’t paint our last place, thank God. It was already white. I like white walls. A lot. But we painted two places ago. Or rather I painted everything and twice. And we painted the place before that, and we painted this place.

Every time, it is a nuisance. You always forget how hard painting really is. How long it takes to put up the stupid blue tape, how annoying it is to do two coats, because you really thought it would take just one. Humans have evolved to intentionally forget such things.

I always look forward to painting, until I want to stab Ryan in the head with a brush and the color is completely off despite trying seven, eight, nine samples. I hate painting. Let this post allow me to never forget.

Ryan claims he never forgot, but he helps me anyway. And while I am freaking out that the white may be too white, Ryan is saying phrases like “Let’s let it dry,” and “We need to do a second coat,” and “Oh, I’m really starting to like it,” as fast as he can manage.

Then finally, we are done.

I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. The next morning, it’s liveable. The next day, it’s growing on me. And in a few days, I’ve decided it’s the perfect color. How could I have ever thought otherwise? My heart swells I love it so much. (“Let’s paint the bedroom now,” I exclaim. Ryan hopes that I am kidding.)

Transition times are tough. When paint dries, you can literally see the color changing, your paint strokes disappearing, and your walls going from one state to another. In life, it’s not as cut and dry.  Like when you get a promotion, and suddenly your slammed with more work than you can seemingly handle. Or when you start a side job, and you’re juggling multiple missions at once. Or when you get to know your boyfriend’s family and they drive you up the wall.

There will be that moment. The one where you have no idea what you were thinking. But give it time. Transitions need time. You have to settle in, find your new habits, define a different self. Your mental and physical memories, ingrained in your everyday, will push back. You’ll want things to stay the same. You’ll want to be the same person, do the same things. You’ll try to retreat. Change will seem much more of a nuisance than it’s worth.

But then the paint will dry. (I promise.) You’ll wake up the next day and life will be a little easier. And things will be a little easier the day after that. Until you couldn’t imagine anything different. And you’ll forget all the bad stuff until next time, thank God.

So if you’re in a transition, know that it will be difficult. Even when it’s not supposed to be. Even when it’s something good and exciting and amazing. It’s still going to be tough.

Just give it time. And maybe a second coat.

Categories
Knowing yourself Place Relationships

Moving to a New City

Airports are particularly filthy places, no matter who you are. No matter what seat you’re in on the plane, everyone has to sit on the same toilet seats in the airport. Or hover, if you’re smart.

I’m not a germaphobe by any means, at least not yet, but airports get to me in a way that other public transportation doesn’t. I’m always looking to count on the goodness of my fellow travelers; but it’s usually about a fifty-fifty split as to who surprises me, for better or for worse.

One of the ideas that I put out there at the beginning of the year was that I wanted to travel more, and indeed, I have taken more trips in the last year than I probably have in my life. And each time, I feel all that is more around me, all that is bigger than myself, and it makes me want.

I get that you can make any city work for you. I’ve been making Madison work for me for almost ten years (oh my lord). And when others would complain about Madison (which they did a lot), I was the one to persuade its virtues (which I did a lot).

So no, this was not my first choice. Or second. Or even third, really.

Following my boyfriend for the good of his career is not my dream. Countless friends have been picked off the career ladder for just this reason and I have always held fast to my ambition during the barrage.

I’ve never had any intention of leaving my career – or my home. But as months, and then years started to separate me from my idealism, I saw in ways that I didn’t understand before how easily people can settle. How it wouldn’t matter much what the next job was because the trappings of work would still be the same, so you settle. Really great positions and ideas and causes can supersede the trappings, but still you come to rest.

So in less than two weeks, Ryan and I have settled everything, but in a different manner entirely.  

In two weeks more, with the help of UnitedVanLines.com, we will have moved and all the way to Washington, DC.

. I will work remotely – Alice.com is graciously letting me keep my position. I’ve rented out my condo. Ryan will open a new Brazen office. And we’ve found a great new place to call home. Ryan has lived in DC before, but it will all be new to me.

As I write this, I’m no longer in the airport, but on the plane. It is the time on the flight when everyone is curiously quiet – the babies are suckling, the old men are sleeping, and the young women are reading. Outside the window is a bit of how large the world is, and then, as the aerial views are covered with a blank slate of clouds, how large it could be.

We won’t be in DC long – I’m still holding out for my first choice, after all – but we will be there long enough. Long enough, I think, for an adventure.

Categories
Happiness Relationships Self-management

A New Residence for Home

Ryan is so very tall and my condo is so very small. So it was not without reservation that we recently moved in together.  We talked about it a lot – the important things, the mundane, the humdrum. In talking about moving in together, we broke our record in effective communication. And then we talked some more. “If we could communicate like this for the rest of our lives,” Ryan said, “we’d be the best couple ever.” And so it went… until.

You know, moving is very stressful, and moving in with someone you intend to spend your life with is this gigantic life decision, and somehow all of the pressure and insanity of it all got put into one question – did we need to buy another dresser?

Perhaps the most romantic notion I had of combining our belongings and everyday lives was that we would be able to use my library card file (currently in use as my sock drawers) as our dresser. But, no. No, no, no.  Ryan needed a place to store his t-shirts. All forty-six of them. And he didn’t find it at all romantic, never mind practical, to store a lone t-shirt per tiny drawer.

I won’t take this moment to comment on the romanticism or practicality of forty-six t-shirts, but I do recommend that you, my dear reader, come to your own conclusion on that point.

Besides his t-shirts, Ryan also likes to hang his towel on the closet door instead of the towel hook we bought specifically for the purpose. He takes out the trash and cleans if I cook. I don’t know when, but he watches ESPN because that’s the channel that appears when I turn on the TV. I am always on the computer and he is always on the phone. He leaves his eye glasses on the bathroom counter, but little else. His shoes are lined up across the top and bottom shelves of our closet, and underneath the bed. Waiting for Cribs, I guess.

He overtakes our small white couch like a dog. If Ryan could be animal, he has said that he would want to be a big, slow dog, so please don’t think I am insulting my incredibly sexy boyfriend publicly. Well, a dog or a lion, he said. There are a lot of similarities.

He has a repertoire of several particularly esteemed dishes that he can cook: pork chops, meat spaghetti – in which the spaghetti is actually egg noodles – and chicken and broccoli “stir-fry.”

He locks the door when he leaves in the morning and says to me when he’s home: “You know you don’t have to lock the door when I’m here, right? I will protect you.”

“It’s a habit,” I reply.

He opens the shower curtain from the wrong side, and never closes the blinds. If you touch him when he’s not expecting it, he will unreasonably flinch and exclaim “ow!” like he means it.

When we watch a movie, he will lie down and I will lie down, and we will spoon and watch the screen and out the sixth-story window. When I get too tired, I will turn around and settle into his chest, and he will kiss my forehead and I will go to sleep.

Ryan moved in on the anniversary of our first kiss.

This weekend, I think we’ll buy a dresser.

Good Hearts.

Categories
Career Relationships Self-management Work/life balance

One Guy, One Girl, Two Start-Ups and a Relationship

Quick, which is more difficult – work or life?

Up until a year ago, both competed for my attention, each piling weight onto the seesaw to rise towards the favored position. A year ago, however, I started working at Alice and Ryan and I started hitting our stride (both of which were not without challenges, however… many, many challenges).

While working for a start-up demands hours, it demands more in mental energy, in spikes of time about as predictable as a bingo game, where the only invariable is that you know work will be stop and go. This means it’s often difficult to separate work and life, especially in the statuesque pursuit of balance, but while I used to recognize and promote blur, I’m now mindful of the distinct delineation between the two.

Smart people don’t balance two sides of the same coin – your work and life are, after all, inseparable from the backbone of your binding. You can’t push one to one side and one to the other and hope equilibrium presents itself because the entities are glued to each other and to you.

What I mean, for example, is that I cannot see Ryan and refrain from discussing at length our work. I have long agreed that behind every good man is a good woman, and likewise, the same holds true for Ryan and I on both sides. While he is the one that shows up to Brazen headquarters each day, my ideas fill his head. While I’m the one who walks into Alice each morning, Ryan’s sense and advice follows me.

More to the point, I guess, is that there is a mutual respect for what we choose to do with the majority of our day and into the night, and sometimes into our sleep and into dreams. Although when we do relate to each other our dreams from the night before, it’s not very likely to include the mention of a spreadsheet.

Right now, Ryan is across the street from me working. His offices are located diagonal from my condo, but I have yet to see him this week except for when he dropped me off from our weekend in Philly together on Sunday. I was working on a Wall Street Journal exclusive early this week, and he’s working on big plans for Brazen later this week. We also have friends, family, a basketball league, dance classes, books, blogs, grocery shopping, the gym, bill-paying and other magnitudes and minutiae of daily life competing for our attention.

Oh, and the new season of Chuck just started.

When I walk into work, much of that has to go away. I imagine this is natural for most people who enjoy their jobs, but particularly at start-ups you have to be ready to do whatever is put in front of you that day. Everything planned for the day will get eaten up by new priorities, larger plans and whether or not the toucan (our CEO) monopolizes all the time with the dolphin (our President and my direct boss). This can be best described as acting as a pivot, keeping your center, but spinning to each new person and project that appears.

One of the best parts of working at a start-up is that an idea spun in the morning has the potential to be fully realized by the afternoon. It can be that quick and magical and exhilarating. Also, the customers. When I worked for a non-profit in a trailer across from the food pantry that I was raising money for, I thought I wouldn’t again experience the rewards of being in such direct contact with the people I helped. But Alice has that.

One of the more challenging things is that blurring my work and my blog and my life to such an extent can make me very unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I’m always working which is frustrating, so I’ve tried to have clearer boundaries. I don’t really believe in work/life balance as an ideal, but no longer do I trust in work/life blur so much either.

As a generation, we’re always on. Is it okay to tweet during your workday? How often? What about talk to your significant other? Send personal emails? Do you work with your partner at night? Accept calls from the boss? Check your iPhone during a movie? Where is the line drawn and what is acceptable?

For Ryan and I, we have chosen to spend the majority of our day, not with each other, but with two different start-up companies. Our lives and relationship are more difficult and more enriched because of it. What about you? Work/life balance: truth or myth? Does it stand a chance?

Categories
Links Relationships

Get a prenup for your marriage

photo via WeHeartIt.

Marie McKinney argues:

Prenups at face value seem to fly in the face of pretty much everything a marriage stands for. Prenuptial agreements seem to say “I promise to love you forever… but when that doesn’t work out I want $500,000 for every year we were married”

… What I’m trying to say is that we don’t like the idea of prenups because they suggest a lack of faith in the marriage when the marriage contract itself seems to have little to no faith in the marriage either.

I actually think prenups suggest some maturity in communication. If you can communicate well-enough on the what ifs of your relationship, you’re probably in a good place, right? Because those what-ifs will come up – you will wonder and life is anything but predictable. Prenups also have to do with more than infidelity, so it’s easy to start the conversation in another area of the document, and then get down the gritty parts.

Also, it’s quite possible that I will out-earn my spouse over the course of my life, and no matter how much I love them, I want to be protected financially. And even if that’s not the case, your non-financial contributions are worth something too.

I mean, I guess I look at it like this. If you can’t imagine going through the worst with someone in amicable manner, than why are you with them? Too many of us just shut our eyes and hope for the best.

via Marriage Studio.

Categories
Links Relationships Women

Midwest women marry early

In some more research related to my post on feeling pressure to marry early, Pew Demographics reveals some fascinating statistics in their infographic on marriage and divorce. For starters, the numbers back up my assertion that Midwest women marry earlier; a Wisconsin’s woman median age of first marriage at 26 is a full two years earlier than a New York’s woman median age of first marriage at 28.

And in another intriguing twist, it seems that the rate of divorce seems to increase in States where couples marry sooner and is lower in States where couples hold off a couple years, with some interesting exceptions.

Pew Infographic via GOOD.

Categories
Knowing yourself Relationships Self-management

Trying isn’t good enough

“What did you do today?”

I cried like a druggie in rehab pleading with God and my dead father to help me. Also, I slept. Tried to sleep. To ignore. To escape. Between sleeping and crying, I tried to be normal.

“Nothing much, I ran some errands,” I replied on a Saturday night out at the bar, trying to be normal. Going out with friends for the first time in a long time. Friends that were good enough to forget that I ignored them for the past eight months. Because that’s what happens when I’m in a relationship.

Everyone likes me better when I’m single. If you lined up the town and asked them to raise their hands when they saw a cool person, and then presented Me, In a Relationship and Me, Single, the hands would most assuredly go up the second round, and I would raise my hand in line with the rest. I’m not good in a relationship. Perhaps because I don’t think I am, and perhaps because it never really mattered before now. Because when you date assholes, you can be a bitch right back. So dating a good guy is a complete shock in terms of how to act and how to behave and how to live.

So of course you push this cool person down the same worn-in path as before, and as you go, you look around and know that the two of you don’t belong there.

And I am angry that the Universe could present me with such a being when I’m not primed. I’m not prepared.

It’s not that I don’t feel worthy, exactly. But that I never saw myself with someone so all-American, so normal, so right. Because my life was messed up the moment my father died, and surely God doesn’t think I’m ready for a life that isn’t messed up. Surely, I should keep punishing myself. I am not ready for such greatness. Surely, I am not ready to lead a normal life yet, with barbeques and endless cuddling and television. Life is jaded. Always and forever. This will never heal.

Being single, it doesn’t matter. But being in a relationship – the good kind, at least – brings all this other responsibility. And I don’t really care for all that. To care about someone so deeply and they just might up and leave, or want you, or die, or get sick, or let you down, or need you, or care about you back. I get anxious. So anxious I can’t breathe.

Okay, so I have issues. The kind that should be capitalized and underlined, and you should take note of it.

But I’m working on that, and back to Saturday night, I declared that it was the beginning of “New Rebecca!” exclamation point, let’s take another shot, done and done. I was fabulous. I smiled and was totally level-headed and ingratiated myself back to the good side of the Universe through two hipster bars, three slices of bacon, spinach and yellow-tomato pizza, and a pair of four-inch heels. Cue the soundtrack as the shot pans up and fades out. Walk out of the theater with a happy ending. It was fun and I laughed.

Sunday morning, I got up and cleaned the wine bottles from the counter, threw away someone else’s cigarettes, and vacuumed the dirt from the corner. And somewhere in between, I found a little bit of normal.

Common Sense.