Author: Rebecca Healy

I am not funny. Maybe sometimes I am. I try to be. I often laugh at my own jokes. All good reasons why I found it fascinating to take a peek into the delightful and devious minds behind The Onion in a recent NY times article.

The Onion newspaper was originally founded right here in Madison, Wisconsin, and I occasionally wheeze past the offices that still remain here on my even more-so occasional runs. And back when I had a different job and no car, a co-worker would drive me home and I would make wild faces and gestures towards the Onion conference room window every evening around 5. We’re pretty sure they never, ever saw me. Or they did a really good job of ignoring us.

They must have just been working really hard, because as the Times reports, the process for coming up with insanely entertaining headlines is actually quite regimented:

The staff devotes the first two days of every week to composing headlines, then assigns the articles that will run beneath them and provide a body of supporting jokes…

A Tuesday in October found Mr. Randazzo and nine writers and editors gathered around a conference table in the SoHo offices of The Onion for a headline meeting. Each had a printout of 101 headline contenders, which had been submitted —mostly by one another, with some support staff and freelance contributors also allowed to pitch in — the day before.

“It’s a very specific, regimented format,” said Dan Guterman, the head writer. “You sort of learn the Onion language by rote. We spend hundreds of hours in the room deconstructing the jokes. I don’t think there’s anything comparable to the amount of material we generate and reject just to come up with the week’s headlines.”

Collecting Headlines Funnier Than This via The New York Times.

Paying the bill is something I’ve debated at length with Ryan – not the act of paying it, but how to do it. For instance when I first started dating him, I never knew if he was picking up the bill because when it came, he would just let it sit there. And while I always offered to pay or split the bill, he would always brush me aside and end up paying it. Mystifying.

Later, I asked him about why he let the bill sit on the table and he argued that by paying right away when the bill arrived, we had to leave shortly thereafter. I argued the opposite. By paying when the bill comes, we’re free to stay as long as we want with the added benefit that both myself and the waiter aren’t confused and anxiously awaiting whose credit card will be placed in the black folio.

During hard times however, who pays the bill can be even more confusing when you’re dating, out with friends or on business. The Guardian offers some tips:

Unless I know that someone around the table is really hard up, and has chosen accordingly, I favour just splitting the bill equally – after all, everyone had the option of choosing whatever they wanted, and to nitpick about your risotto being cheaper than his steak can spoil the atmosphere remarkably swiftly. Non-drinkers, of course, should be automatically excused the cost of the claret.

If you are trying to save money (and let’s face it, if you’re going out to dinner, it’s probably not a question of being on the poverty line, more that you’d prefer to spend your cash elsewhere), you can do it subtly.

Economists suggest that people are more likely to order extravagantly when they think others will be sharing the cost, so it would be sensible to explain early on (without fuss) that you’re on a bit of a budget, so you’re only going to have a main course, and then put down what you owe, plus a reasonable tip, as soon as the bill arrives, before anyone can mention splitting it. But unless you’re in dire straits, don’t be mean about it, and ask for the 50p change you’re owed – leave it for the waiter.

Modern Manners via The Guardian.

I was frankly surprised at the response on my anxiety post. I didn’t expect so many people to understand where I was coming from… so thank you. Here’s some great follow-up posts to mine:

When did I become incapable of spontaneity? I used to be capable of it, pretty sure about that. In fact, I used to be really darn good at it! But recently, anything “off plan”, whether it’s a food item on a menu, a trip somewhere, or even a drink with the girls, has become a chore, another thing on the list, something that requires its own mini plan of how to get there and enjoy it. And that can be fraught with anxiety…

I find myself ‘nesting’ my way out of anxiety, staying home or ducking out to avoid the stress related with erm, having fun… I’m a highly productive member of the workforce, can be counted on to do the right things by my friends (remember, I always have a plan!), and I’m sure I’m enriching my life by ticking off things on the big, fat to do list. Only, it would be nice if sometimes I could switch off the list making freak in my brain, and just chill out.

– Via Life Beyond List.

With anxiety, you really do feel like you’re being threatened, but anxiety is a threat in and of itself. So many times I would tell my dad I was going for a walk and would make it to the end of my driveway before I turned back around. So many times I passed on going somewhere with friends, afraid that those same emotions would blindside me and I wouldn’t be able to get home, get back to my comfort zone. I was afraid that I couldn’t control life, couldn’t stop change from happening.

Anxiety is a change itself, though. It changes your life, turns it upside down, turns you inside out, threatens to keep you a prisoner in your own house, your own skin.

Until one day you push through it.

– Via twenty(or)something.